When's January 3rd?

I used to love twinkle lights. Maybe it was just a few years ago or maybe not since when I was a kid. I always loved that they used to appear out of nowhere, suddenly right after Thanksgiving, around the time that mittens and hats came out. Though filled with wet snow and gray skies, the city streets would still be splashed with color during the cold weeks before Christmas. I would look at the lights, whether they outlined a doorway or blanketed a tree, and feel warmth and comfort. I’d be filled with the same inner ease that comes from the first sip of coffee in the morning. The floor of my stomach would feel full.

And as I got older I started to hype up my birthday more and more more. Adding pressure on friends to attend because it was my special day. I never really knew why I valued those days surrounding my birthday so much until now...

Gifts weren’t necessary but I just needed all the warm bodies around me as possible. December 1st would arrive and weeks of planning would become fulfilled. I’d feel loved and special, comforted and warm.

And slowly as the days followed and the buzz of the holiday season took over, I realized that the glow that once continued through January had faded. The harshness of becoming an adult happened. And it slowly took away from me realizing how colorful the dark city streets were. Illness, and fights, and death started to define that twinkly time.

That big shiny space in the pit of my stomach started to feel more and more empty as the weeks went on. I now still cherish the time around my birthday even more, because I know that as the twinkling lights turn on around town that my spirit will dim. I’ll look at each light I pass and wait to feel that same warmth I did as a child and maybe from just a few years ago. And there's no turning back. I have to deal with the harshness each year and go through the growing pains as if forcing myself to stare straight into a candle's light. It burns as I get close, but if I look away all I'll see is darkness.

I see lovers snuggling and feel the coldness of my bed even more. I hear of family plans and feel the distance from my father even more. His holiday card and check staring back at me. The warm, fuzzy memories have been taken over by memories of hospitals and tears and distance and confusion. You don’t need to watch It’s A Wonderful Life to fully understand what some have known most of their adult life...what mothers remind their broken-hearted daughters over tearful, cold telephone calls- the holidays suck.

For me the same journal entry each year ends with this begging thought...next year can’t come soon enough.

Annual Holiday Solo Rant

I need to remind myself for the millionth time that I shouldn’t drink and blog. Emotional, dramatic jibberish comes out. I’ve been falling back into bad routines with some drunk crying while out. Luckily, it’s only been in front of my bbf E whose known me since my first bowl haircut in the first grade.

I’ve been working on staying focused and strong at work and that’s been translating to emotionless and distant in my personal life.

Hence the continuous physical-only relationship with the Brit and the guy friend hookup over Thanksgiving. I tell myself that I don’t want a relationship, I don’t want to be dating right now or sitting across from a stranger telling my life story. I want to coast into 2011 with as little small talk as possible.

And hence the gradual pushing away of all friends who have an inch of drama in their life. I refuse to sit across from someone as they dump on me their boy troubles. Most of them are the cause themselves- stuck in bad relationships because they’re too afraid to be alone. If it’s one thing my mother has taught me it’s that it’s better to be alone then with the wrong guy. In either case, you may be unhappy and occasionally eat a container of Cool Whip, but at least you’ll be in control solo.

Have I become guarded and slightly bitter after a long year of seeing my own relationship and a dozen others fall apart? Am I pushing friends and potential interests aside to protect myself and save emotional energy that’s already hovering on empty? Am I maybe hitting the spiked eggnog a little much and shutting out holiday cheer?

Yes, yes and yeah.

What can I say? At this point, being self absorbed is a tactical survival method that I need in order to get to 2011. After that, well- I’m hoping the cynical fog will lift a little and we’ll see what I have left in front of me besides my blackberry and new knee high boots.

Just Stand Up

Does the heart open and then close before it breaks? Do I spend weeks floating on air before I realize I’m crashing? Do I beg for change when all I really want is his body to hold me close like before everything changed?

Is your first love always there until...you accept that love exists again? Am I going to be hard, and broken and alone, until... I fully shut him out and let myself live alone. Will he one day stop looking at me, touching me, like he used to. God. Why did I fall for the nice guy? It could be worse. I know, my breakup could’ve been more of a heart break. But it would’ve been nice if the break was less nice and more bitter then sweet. It would’ve made breaking from him, easier for my heart.

I saw someone kiss him tonight. And maybe he kissed her back. But she kissed him again. And I was standing there, in that moment. Wanting to be anyone else. Not wanting to see any of it. Wanting, to be a part of anything else.

It’s a slow, easy, friendly torture, to be friends with your ex.

One kind of torture that I can flirt with out of boredom, out of slight, silly hope. But not out of reality.

To him-

You know how you’re friends with your exes. and you stay in touch and you know whose a swinger and whose having a kid.

well that’s not going to be me.

im never going to be friends like that. because i’ll always be waiting for you to want more. and that's all i really need to say. for me.

26th Birthday Day Checkpoint

I'll update soon about my holiday break and how I slept with my guy friend S and how my new job is going but on to more important, immediate things.

Today is my birthday. And yes, I am one of those annoying people obsessed with my birthday. I tell everyone, I plan as many get togethers in my honor in advance and really consider it a holiday break where I can do whatever I want and people need to be nice to me.

My annual standard plans are- girlfriends only dinner, bar night, mom visits, out of towners visit. So needless to say the next two weeks are busy. Last year I had the BF so an extra dinner was squeezed in but I got no birthday sex cause he was too tired and it was a weeknight. That should have been a red flag but hell, I ignored it cause he wrote me a really sweet card and took me out to sushi. This year, my girlfriends are taking me out to sushi and I already have the Brit on call. So here's hoping it's a birthday with a happy ending.

Even though NYE is right around the corner now, I always do birthday resolutions, separate from my NYE ones.

Let's take a look at last years and see where we're at shall we? Then tomorrow night I'll post new and improved ones as a 26 year old. Suggestions welcome of course!

"25th birthday resolutions"

1. new apartment with real non craigslist furniture that doesn't feel like a dorm

done. as of October 1, yes. 20th floor view facing the east river with a balcony, gut renovated apartment.

2. go on a real, getaway vacation with (now old BF) for at least 5 days.

fail. his couch became our constant weekend staycation. red flag i missed again.

3. get a fucking raise already or a new job that pays what I'm worth.

done. as of Nov 29th. done and done!!!

4. finish first draft of novel

ugh...may have to get a 6 month extension on this one...i think i literally left my main character in a therapy waiting room.

5. put lotion on feet more

eh. so I have dry feet and it bugs me...i am getting better at this, but still get dirty looks when i get a pedicure.

6. finish one of my short stories

eh, again. i did finish 1 out of the 2 i was working on then, but i NEED to still send it out to lit magazines.maybe that's a 2011 thing.

7. do regular community service

done. been volunteering monthly with the Alzheimer's for a year.

My Needs with Maslow

I’ve compartmentalized my needs so much that I’m not sure if Maslow would spit at me or shake my hand. I look at things two ways- what I can handle/control now and what I’ll figure out later.

Family: in small, little tidbits. Dad visits now, Mom visits later. Sister’s drama later. Brother’s phone calls to chat now. But quick so we don’t talk about anything heavy.

Have Thanksgiving there. Figure out Christmas later. Just don’t be alone. I make simple, little decisions that make my day move forward. I stay distant, yet succinct so I don’t get overwhelmed or anxious about the holidays.

Relationships: emotional stability comes from my girlfriends on Saturday nights. Mental stimulation (brunch, movies, art galleries) come from my new gay guy friend three/four times a week. Sexual satisfaction comes from the Brit once a week. Connection of intimacy (though repressed majority of time by my demand to stay emotionally distant to protect myself) comes from the old bf, daily, unfortunately.

Work: I transition into the new department on Dec 29th and leave my department after over two years.

That in itself gets an entire mental storage space big enough for a minivan.

After I described this all to my friend B, she asked how my cupboards looked? Nice and organized, she mused. It must be exhausting to fill all of the cupboards up with nice, neat, compartments. Imagine clearing them out. Facing family straight on. Having one guy to fulfill all of my needs. Moving forward completely with work and being in the role that I deserve to rock it.

is it exhausting, yes? But what option to I have? I’m protecting myself and trying to move forward. Sometimes all you can do is take baby steps and make labels in order to do that.

2AM trash

It’s 2 AM. And according to the break up 9 months ago, I should be out and not holding back and having that crazy thing called fun. It hasn’t hit me like this in awhile. I’ve been having that extra drink and throwing my hands up in the air and happy. Letting go and feeling good. Seeing the brit or not seeing the brit, seeing him or not seeing him. Being fine and moving. And yet...

And I know you’re tired of hearing excuses just as much as I am. And yet, I’m tired of trying to meet the next guy in a bar. And I”m tired of trying to meet him online. Or through friends or ad parties. And it’s been nine months and it’s not a matter of getting over him, it’s a matter of getting around and through.

I’m starting a new position next week and my desk is close to his. And when I say close, I mean, I'll be delving into Dante’s definition of hell ‘proximity without intimacy’. I’ll become a master on it, WHILE I become a master on my new position. Position and role first, before emotion and feelings. Me, before him.

I was out at a party last week and with a totally fresh, new group of friends. The massive tray of food that was at this party included one main eye catching dessert- the vanilla cookies at Starbucks that used to be left at my desk by him. I'm constantly reminded of him. When will those cookies just be cookies again?

I leave the office in a rush, cause I’m 10 minutes late to whatever, as I dive to open the elevator door, he’s there...waiting to go down.

End of the work day on Friday. I’m outside putting on my gloves and he saddles up next to me and tells me I look confused. I was deep breathing after a long, long day with family drama on the side...I smile and tell him I was just looking for my gloves. He mentions how it’s not that cold out for gloves, am I trying to look fashionable instead? I smile, again...and say, I’m cold. Was never one for putting fashion before practical. He says, he knows and hopes I have a good weekend.

Now I’m here. With that gut to throat feeling of loneliness left on a Saturday night. And I turned to the guys I was with tonight and waited for them to say the right things. Fill in the right blanks. And when it didn’t come at the right time, I grew tired and antsy. And soon I started feeling unpretty and wishing a secure hand would hold the small of my back and gently gide my body home to bed.

And yet even after all this time and seeing how far I’ve come and how good and crisp and new I feel, I still want him deep, down...to turn to me and want something different from me. To stop playing the daily games and just admit that he's in it all for me.

Ugh, maybe it's nothing and I'll just blame the sangria and my tired feet.

Making Moves, Just Not Sure Where

I blame my recent decisions on an uber long stressful work week. I won't get into details but the transition into my next role hasn't been a smooth one due to a very short fused, bitter, stressed out soon to be former manager. I've been leaving work shaken and on edge due to his unpredictable treatment of me. I refuse to let it bother me anymore though. One person's opinion of me should not rattle me that much or make me question my performance at work. I've gotten better at reacting logically to work situations and less emotionally via the book How to Play Like a Man and Win Like a Woman. It's brought down my stress a lot and helped maintain perspective. But this past week was more trying than most.

Friday night I ended up working late and had to turn down the Brits invite to go to his place for an after work happy hour. Nudge nudge. A half bottle of wine helped slide me into an easy sleep. Saturday morning I woke up refreshed and had a nice productive, errand filled gym day. And then I made an interesting decision.

I took the old bf up on one of his offers to hang out. He had extended an invitation earlier in the week with a group but I turned it down per usual, saying I had to work. But the truth was, I wanted to hang out with him and I wanted to see the Dan Band. I brought my bff E with me who always is a fan of the Band. So it was me, E, old bf and our mutual friend D from work. And in all honesty, the night was fun! Sure the awesome show helped and so did the beer. But it was just nice to be around him. Were old feelings there? Yes. And of course I hate that those feelings are still there and most likely will never go away. I can give you a laundry list of reasons why I shouldn't like him and why he's not relationship material. And I know things between us aren't going to change, ever. But I see him do or say little things that are just so him, that I think most people don't even notice, and I have this inner smile that still fondly appreciates everything about him. I'm not sure if that smile will ever go away, no matter how many invitations from him I turn down.

We all grabbed more drinks and food after the show. Again, more laughs, and more ease all around. We could've continued the night with them but E and I said we had a friends party to go to. We went to our new goto bar and talked about the tragedy of first loves over more beer. Overall a very good night and I ended up, of course, shacking up with the Brit. Who confirmed my suspicion of the stereotypes that Brits don't 'give back' to girls who aren't their girlfriends. Not sure if you've heard of this, but the Brit confirmed it. Apparently I have to start dating him to get more fulfilled. Thoughts anyone?

I'll say this...even though I don't spend a lot of vertical time with the Brit and am shocked at how okay I am with how little I know about him, he's still a great distraction. And it's nice to just have a break from my normal routine and do something a tad casual, to get out of my own head for a little while.

All The Right Stuff But...

Of course there's always a but, my friends. I don't believe in perfection but can't things be good for a little while without a big old but at the end?

I'm inches away from my new position where I'll grow and mature into this amazing role. But the girl my who my bosses offered my old position to, declined so now we're back at square one. I can't move up until they replace me. It's been over a month. Probably another month to go. I'm so ready for this new position I can taste it. It's like I'm sitting at the dork table, looking around and seeing an open spot with the cool kids. Torture!

I've found this really cute, quirky British fling but he's not really good at giving back if you know what I mean. And actually, hasn't...at all. I saw him last Thursday night after an open tequila-only bar at an industry party. We met at my place, hooked up and he left. I was more randy as he was leaving then before he got there. Any advice on how to get the control back on a midnight booty call? Damn tequila and accents!

I've finally found an okay balance with my old boyfriend at work and barely take him into consideration anymore. But he still invites me out with his friends, and even after I decline, he feels the need to text me on a Saturday night saying that I didn't miss anything fun. Can some guy decode this for me? Because even if I declined plans with a girlfriend I wouldn't expect her to give me a report in the middle of the night. Confusion, again!

I've been going through some family drama recently. Which really isn't any different from a day that ends in 'y'. The last time these matters arose my old bf was around...so now I put my walls back up to protect myself and gain strength to get through all of it, especially as the holidays approach this is what I have to do. I can't help but think, why can't he be here now to rip the walls down like he once did. I hate that I have to go through this shit alone again. I am stronger then before and more demanding and trying to keep the control in my family, but it's harder and more exhausting this year because my safety net is gone.

I'm worried that I'll spiral like I once did, right before I was with him. I kept my highs high and let my lows be low. And muddled with extra drinking and nights out in between. Nothing off scale, just enough for me to be off balanced. I'm worried but I hate it even more, that this somehow all manages to cycle back to him. My stress and vulnerability from my family, how I hold it in until a Saturday night comes around and let loose. How in the end it may have been him who saved me from the worst part of myself. How I wish in the end, it'll be him to still catch me when I least expect it.

I know what you're going to say, it's time I catch myself. I say back, that sometimes, even after three vodka ice teas on a Monday night, it's hard to play catch alone.

Grrr...

Do me a favor and tell me the stupidest thing you have ever done. I just realized that after living in a new apartment for almost 2 weeks now that I forwarded my mail to the wrong address. My apartment door faces the street, so I forwarded my mail to the street with the apartment number etc. I realize today...TODAY...that my address is actually on the avenue. And not the street. I feel like the biggest dumbass. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate looking back at when I used to think no doubt and then think 'Wow...just, wow. What was I thinking?'

Give me some perspective here...what's the biggest, worst, 'I'm a dumbass' moment you guys have had?

Oh damn

I blame the wine and lack of text from the Brit tonight...I joined JDate. And initially I thought I had cooly just signed up for a 1 month trial. But nope, I'm signed on for 6 long months of this. Luckily, mother assured me 1 week after being dumped by 'whathisname' that she would pay for JDate when I was ready. We never agreed upon the contract, thank goodness!

First guy I started chatting with tonight within ten minutes asked me what my type was and if I wanted to meet up for a date next week. I think he could hear my mental eye roll through the keyboard.

One word I used was 'adventurous' but what does that mean? Mountain biking and cliff diving? No. To me adventurous is trying a unique kind of sushi or venturing to a new neighborhood on a Saturday night. But random#1 of course won't get that, and I don't feel like explaining. Ugh! Maybe my cynicism and me shouldn't be plugged in yet...

I had no idea that online dating had 'flirting' and email prompts. I keep getting exclaimed messages in my inbox about my future matches. I've been 'viewed' and 'winked at' and 'flirted with' and been on a 'hot list'.

I've had 24 views and 6 IMs and 2 favors. Good god someone call the Rabbi and set a date!

Sorry for the sarcasm, again- I blame the wine! Where's the damn Brit?

Living For Me

Ok. Most important news is that I’m obsessed with the singer Ida Maria. Check her out ASAP and thank me later. I can’t stop listening to her CD and I immediately want to sing her music in karaoke. I’m sure my performance will be an insult to her but it’ll be a blast. She reminds me of Rachel Yamagata meets Florence and The Machine. I’m seeing Miike Snow this week, finally! I’ve been wanting to see them for a few years now.

I’ve officially moved in with my guy roommate, who I’ve known two years. We live in this 2 bedroom place that I can barely afford on the 20th floor, facing the east river. Waking up to that view everyday...well I don’t mind paying and still living paycheck to paycheck. I’ve waited a long time to live in a nice place that feels like my own. It’s not some dusty re-used craigslist apartment that I can’t spread myself out in. For the first time since I was 14, I feel like I’m not living in a dorm. My medicine is actually IN my medicine cabinet. Do you know how amazing that is?

When I tried to explain that to my roomie, he shrugged and just said ‘So, my stuff is in there too.’

I have a shelf in the closet just for scarves and linens and umbrellas. They aren’t shoved in a corner somewhere. They are organized and neat. It’s freakin amazing.

The choices I've been making recently have just been for and about me. What I really want and what feels good. No overanalyzing or making a pro/con list. I'm going for what makes me feel like me and actually really happy. No 5 year plan, and no getting stuck in the past. I've given myself a break. A perm vacation from trying to figure it all out right now. No more losing sleep over the things I can't control.

Couple things have been happening since I found this balance in my own life. I’m noticing how sucky and drama filled my friends lives are and have no tolerance in listening to them complain anymore. I have no tolerance for nodding my head and telling them what they want to hear, just so they can feel better about their decisions.

Examples:

My friend C, broke her lease in her apartment because she thought the apartment had bed bugs (never confirmed) and when she didn’t hear from the landlord right away she put a stop of her rent check and moved out over the weekend. Why she didn’t call an exterminator, I don’t know. Also her on/off again BF (told her awhile ago he doesn’t want that label) dumped her again. And she spent all of her savings on buying new, bed bug free furniture so now she has no money to go out. She invited me to come over and help put her new furniture together. My immediate answer was no, but I suppose I should suck it up and spend an afternoon helping her out even though I vowed to never help friends move/build things.

My friend L (the chihuahua) showed me her new eye glasses at work today. They’re these large cat-like vintage frames. I laughed when I saw them and when she asked if I like them, a loud No came out of my mouth. She called me a bitch but I didn’t apologize for it. It actually felt pretty damn good to say what I thought instead of squeaking out a ‘they’re very you/different/look great’.

I’m doing a lot less apologizing these days and ignoring the negative, shitty drama that comes in excess my way most of the time as I get stomped on. I’m emptying out the bad and for the first time, in a long time- deciding what I want to let in.

Only good stuff if I can help it. I’ll take this control and balance for as long as I can. We all know that it’s not going to last. As my dad says ‘Enjoy the good while it comes, but just know that while it’s here- there’s a pile of shit somewhere with your name on it.’

P.S. I shacked up with the Brit again last weekend. Did I mention that I’m REALLY enjoying this living for me in the moment phase I’m going through right now?

(big smile)

A Brit 2

Normally, I'm not one to kiss and tell. But when I haven't been with a guy since there was snow on the ground, and that guy was my old BF then yes...I kiss and tell when my dry spell has been broken. And now for the fun part!

I went out with some coworkers after work on Friday to celebrate my new job. I had about five frickles and a hell of a lotta beer for dinner. The old bf showed up when I was in full swing of feeling good/wondering if I was going to yack up a tequila shot I shouldn't have had. So our conversation was limited to me excusing myself to the bathroom every few minutes or so. Nothing else much more then that.

Time hazily passed and I ended up making plans via text to meet with the Brit. I had really given up meeting up with A because it had been months since we actually met and if he actually wanted to see me, it would've happened. But again, all my good feelingness and beer took over my over-analytical thinking.

I don't quite remember if I said bye to whathisname but regardless I was a girl on a mission to have some good old fashion carefree fun. I met A at a bar around the corner from work. Okay, that's a lie. I went to the bar to meet A and it took me about 15 minutes of walking past him to recognize him. He was wearing glasses and had longer hair then I remembered. He said he had watched me pass him about five times before calling out to me. I think he was a tad embarrassed. We got a round at the bar and talked for maybe an hour. He was just as cute and tall and British as I remembered from months ago.

The idea came up to go back to his place for some wine. Sounded fabu to me! By that time I was sobering up and was ready for a more (ahem) comfortable environment. It didn't take long before we were messing around. Then I had a hit of sobriety and insecurity. I stopped moving and he noticed. All of the reasons why I shouldn't be shacking up with this guy came into my head- he doesn't know me/ he doesn't know my body/ it's not going to feel like my old bf/ it's not going to feel that good/ A doesn't care about me. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I told A that I hadn't been with anyone in awhile. He was nice about it and said we could just talk and then go to bed. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and had another hit. Only this time, it was security. I told myself that I deserve to relax and have fun and give this guy a chance at making me feel something. He could never call me again or he could become something great. But why not let myself try before putting up the walls again. Besides...it was close to midnight and my mind was having a battle with my lower regions...I decided to give my head a break and let my (umm) instincts drive the boat for the rest of the night. Not something I do, well ever! But did I mention they hadn't a chance to drive since there was snow on the ground??

So I fixed my hair and strutted back into the bedroom. And let's just say, the security and confidence and feel-good carefree fun me stayed in tact...twice. And then showed up again in the morning.

Waking up next to A the next morning was...interesting. I knew it wasn't going to be the oldBF on the other side of the bed when I turned over. I pushed that visual away. I turned over and looked at him. I pushed some hair out of his face and smiled as he leaned in to kiss me good morning. I thought about it and I liked that it was A there. Because he wanted to be there, with me, and he wanted to lean in and kiss me and hold me. And whisper he wanted to see me again.

Again, nothing could come of this, but the potential, the possibility of something, right now, for even the over-analytical side of me, is better than having someone who stopped whispering and leaning in, a long time ago.

The Middle

Being in the middle of transition is paralyzingly terrifying and nerve-wracking. It's been some interesting couple of weeks. And my nerves and excitement battle each other each morning. My energy and optimism and strength and esteem are at an all time high each before my first sip of coffee.

Nothing can stop me, no one can get in my way from growing into the woman I want to be. I walk tall and smile and say good morning to everyone who glances in my direction. I feel lighter than air and strong.

Then, little things happen quickly around me...and reality sets in. Negativity and politics and drama start to shove against my coat of self. And I find it hard to push back and regain my footing. Little moments and big battles seem to make up most of my day. The constant pushing and pulling of what matters, what I take in and what I chose to ignore. It's pretty fucking exhausting. What's that you say? It's called being an adult. Yeah, I'm getting that now. Recovery needs to happen fast and quick these days.

I'm about to sign my first lease in three years. Occupancy/sublet is a beautiful paperless real estate phenomenon but it has ended. I've accepted the available position at a different department at work. The messy paperwork and HR above-my-head politics that I'm dealing with by switching departments is shocking. I thought it'd be an easy, supportive switch. But all of a sudden, everyone has a different definition of protocol. I'll skip the stressful politics and move on.

I should tell you...it's the old BFs department. But I won't be working with him. Hopefully. But on another note, I will be making more money and have more responsibility.

And any discomfort that slides in when I think about that I could end up at a desk next to his...I ignore because I refuse to let him get in the way of all of the potential I'm feeling right now.

The light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train anymore...it's the opening. It's the quick intake of air before the next open unmarked road. And I'm pushing through and past the train to grab on to that light as fast as I can. Here's to the murky, windy path ahead! Big inhale and go!

7-10

Quick question blogger buddies-

If you were given a gift- to go anywhere for 7-10 days, where would you go?

A solo travel adventure, paid for...any suggestions?

Duality

All movies, love songs and poetry I had seen and heard before had a new, fresher meaning. I finally got it, all of it. And I was happy.

I walked taller, well-- most of the time floated, and smiled uncontrollably. I was with this guy who adored me and I deserved every inch of that contentment.

There are rows and rows of warning signs that I see clearly now. But at the time I didn’t see anything wrong with not thinking or talking about the future. We were living our lives and enjoying one another.

Change happened though...gradually of course. So slowly in fact that it took me months to realize what was going on and I didn’t accept it fully till I was even farther away from the end of the relationship.

I started feeling a quiet distance forming with each date and weekend we spent together. A routine that turned into a slow dance that both of us tiptoed into. Nothing thrown off balance and nothing changing.

But slowly, I became less of a priority, less of a concern whether I was with him or not. He would be there with me, and yet I felt the kisses and refills of morning coffee were more a polite gesture then something he wanted. I felt like work, an obligation that he quietly got through. His energy dropped, his eyes sparkled less and we became two bodies that remained close but were miles apart. I didn’t understand what was happening and I didn’t know the words to explain it.

For weeks, as I took the train back to my apartment after spending another weekend with him, tears would stream down my face and I didn’t know why. An empty pit in my stomach began to grow but I still didn’t know what it meant. He had been driving the relationship for so long at that point, I didn’t realize that he had stopped looking where we were going.

I wasn’t the girl I used to be anymore. I didn’t know what it felt like to not have him two inches behind me or what it felt like to not float and have sparkling eyes. I knew what it felt like to feel alone when you’re sitting on the same couch as your boyfriend. I knew what it felt like to feel not loved on Valentines Day. I knew what it felt like to watch someone disappear right in front of your eyes. I knew what it felt like to be more consumed with this person disappearing then yourself.

And now months later, while I’m still learning to wake up in the morning and be okay with standing up on my own, sometimes I still look beside me and want him there.

I’ll want his hand reaching for mine or rubbing the small of my back. I’ll want his twinkling eyes to smile back at me or his fingers running through my hair. I’ll want him whispering sweet words in my ear, the just because flowers, or the coffee just the way I like it.

And then, like forcing myself to remember a bad dream, I’ll remember the space I felt between us in bed. Two bodies lying side by side, backs turned to each other and feeling the emptiness inside of me swell. I’ll remember him kissing me hello later and not first. I’ll remember finally asking him for answers but only getting sad eyes and defeatist shrugs in return. Him telling me that I deserve better and he’s lost and is only dragging me down. Even with those words, I didn’t understand what he was doing to me. He was letting me go because he didn’t know how to hang on anymore without pushing me away.

I’ll remember seeing the glazed over, tired look that took up his face as he apologized for only wanting to sit on the couch all weekend again. I’ll remember him simply saying that that was how he wants his life to be and me not knowing how to say ‘Well what about me?’

I’ll remember my heart not really breaking until months after we ended things because there was still a part of me that thought he’d come back.

I’ll always love the guy who dipped me in the rain and told me I amaze him everyday. I’ll love the guy who cooked for me and made my bed while I was in the shower. I’ll love the guy who let me open up and be a part of a we for a shining, twinkling moment.

I’ll always hate the guy who opened me up, but filled me with nothing. I’ll hate the guy who never said I love you. I’ll hate the guy who didn’t fight for me to be in his life. I’ll hate the guy who took too long to say ‘You deserve better’. I’ll hate the guy who turned into someone else who I couldn’t love.

And of course, there’s a part of me that will always love the woman I got to be when I was with him. And there’s a part of me that will always hate that woman for letting go of who I was to be with him.

Him Who?

Well after a night of eating my own body weight in delivery diner food, I physically feel less than stellar even after going to Spin class at 7AM. I apparently really like to out do my big accomplishments.

We all know I’m in the middle of transition- finding new job, new apartment. This is a given. Needless to say, with Saturday night included, my libido is on hold and I’m just focusing on numero uno.

After a day of ignoring the old boyfriend and focusing on work AKA a day that ends in Y, I go out to see the Scissor Sisters with L. By the way, I’m sure I’ve mentioned she’s more dramatic than a chihuahua and is the old boyfriend’s semi assistant. So if I’m not hearing about what the old boyfriend thinks about L’s newest drama, I’m hearing about the old boyfriend dealing with work drama.

I suck it up, and deal and listen. And smile and nod, and ignore the punches I feel each time I hear his name.

All I can think is, I don’t know who this man is anymore. I mean, I clearly know the obvious, general outline after having spent over a year with him. But he’s different now and we somehow (thankfully?) stopped being friends awhile ago. Now I look at him and I’ve reached some kind of turning point.

Though I’ll always wish for him to wake up and be the man he was. The man who was in love with me for a brief sparkling, dipping moment, I know that the man he was is gone. The man I fell for, is gone. Sucked up into his own ego and self pity and confusion. I’ve seen him recently, obviously, around the office, but unable to speak more than a few words before real emotions set in- and all I want to know is- is he okay?

The turning point- where the self satisfying emotions have dwindled for a moment, and you’re able to clearly see you’re ex and take a mental note. I see him now. He’s gained weight, never smiles and looks to have aged 10 years over night. He jokes about being an alcoholic and if/when he gets married/has kids. His eyes don’t twinkle. And at first, months ago- I thought it was me, adding pressure to his life and begging for a relationship he didn’t know how to be in. Now months later, and he’s the same tired, distant man.

All I want to do is ask ‘Are you okay?’

Not for the sake of me, I promise you- this time, it’s for him.

I'll Be Smarter In My Next Life

So the interesting part about going through a transition/exploratory time is that it doesn't necessarily mean that I make right decisions. In fact, during this time I'm probably going to make more bad decisions than good but I've been reading that slip ups and mistakes mean I'm taking risks. As long as I learn from them then they aren't all that bad.

And now I'll segue into a Saturday night beer-infused story. I met C at her apartment and caught up about her business trip. Then we met a male coworker of ours out at a bar in the neighborhood. We'll call him M. I've known him a year and is the kind of guy who looks and still acts like a boy. M is shy at work but is actually really funny when you get to know him.

I met some of his friends and did my best to not be shy or introverted. The beer helped. But it was nice to be out and socializing. C left and then M's friends left. So it was just me and M. Do you see where this is going? Me plus beer plus alone with a guy who turns out has a crush on me.

He grabbed me and kissed me at one point. And I ended up kissing him back for a few minutes but then stopped him. I realized quickly that he wasn't a good kisser- I blame his thin lips.

He was also quite drunk and I tried explaining to him that messing around with coworkers is a bad idea. He kept trying a couple more times to put moves on me but I just laughed it off and pushed him away.

I woke up this afternoon and slowly started to beat myself up over making out with M when I knew I didn't have feelings for him. I saw myself spiraling into my old loose hook up stage and feeling more and more shitty about myself. On to one night stands and guys who actually don't have feelings for me or know me but just want some ass. And I thought about the awkwardness at work that'll take place tomorrow and felt worse. Like I don't have enough crazy emotions to deal with at work already!

And then I stopped worrying and decided to give myself a break. I told myself that I still have control over this situation and all I did was kiss him and I didn't lead him on. I was honest to him and myself, and it felt really good. I control when happens, and I control my emotions. I'll treat M the same tomorrow as I did last week. And I'll continue my ME work and tomorrow is a new day!

Rocks, Me and Hard Places

Truths are harder to deal with then the lies we create for ourselves in order to feel more comfortable. Why is it that facing issues is so difficult? I’ve become a master at these lies. I have a layer thinly spread around myself that shields me. I tell friends what they want to hear when they’re dumping drama on me, I tell coworkers what they want to hear when they’re stressed out, I tell family members what they want to hear so they don’t worry about me. I stay in my light sing-songy voice and smile better than Mona Lisa.

But there are more and more signs, showing that the truths are coming to ahead.

Change is in the air.

Case and point: during a lunch break with L today I slipped and said ‘I can’t stay with this damn job anymore. I go to work just to be emotionally and financially a$s raped by the company’

She stared at me in shock for about five minutes and then asked me if I thought she had lost weight.

Before that I was telling her about a job offer I got to be an assistant on a talk show located one state over. I am absolutely thrilled to get a job offer in this economy and to work on a show again makes me so happy! And they want me to start right away!!

But wait, there are downsides- the work week is Wednesday-Monday, roughly 65 hours a week. I’d make overtime. But hello- my life would become my work, my work would become my life.

I’m not worried about not knowing anyone. I make friends quite easily.

I’m not worried about the commute. Worse case scenario, I move out there.

I’m excited and finally ready, to start a new chapter in my life. A new adventure and focus.

But I’m worried about losing my weekends and become detached from a balanced life. There are things that are ME-things that I do on the weekends. My book club and spin class and volunteer work. Oh, and brunch! I wouldn’t be able to brunch!

These are things that I cherish and value and need. And I don’t think I can give up, even if that means not yet starting my much needed adventure and change.

Am I silly to turn down a job because I like to brunch on Sundays?

Or am I just telling myself another lie by saying I should take what’s in front of me and learn to adapt?

If others can do this schedule then why not me?

Is this the change I’ve been looking for to help me grow or will it only end up shutting me down in insolation?

If I feel like I have nothing to lose and should go for it, then why do I feel like I still have things to give up?

In this journey to fill the ME, should I fight even harder to hang on to the little things that define me and not settle them for a job that just isn’t right for me? Or is taking a risk a part of learning about my limits? My head says one thing and my gut says another.