Sunday, September 19, 2010

A Brit 2

Normally, I'm not one to kiss and tell. But when I haven't been with a guy since there was snow on the ground, and that guy was my old BF then yes...I kiss and tell when my dry spell has been broken. And now for the fun part!

I went out with some coworkers after work on Friday to celebrate my new job. I had about five frickles and a hell of a lotta beer for dinner. The old bf showed up when I was in full swing of feeling good/wondering if I was going to yack up a tequila shot I shouldn't have had. So our conversation was limited to me excusing myself to the bathroom every few minutes or so. Nothing else much more then that.

Time hazily passed and I ended up making plans via text to meet with the Brit. I had really given up meeting up with A because it had been months since we actually met and if he actually wanted to see me, it would've happened. But again, all my good feelingness and beer took over my over-analytical thinking.

I don't quite remember if I said bye to whathisname but regardless I was a girl on a mission to have some good old fashion carefree fun. I met A at a bar around the corner from work. Okay, that's a lie. I went to the bar to meet A and it took me about 15 minutes of walking past him to recognize him. He was wearing glasses and had longer hair then I remembered. He said he had watched me pass him about five times before calling out to me. I think he was a tad embarrassed. We got a round at the bar and talked for maybe an hour. He was just as cute and tall and British as I remembered from months ago.

The idea came up to go back to his place for some wine. Sounded fabu to me! By that time I was sobering up and was ready for a more (ahem) comfortable environment. It didn't take long before we were messing around. Then I had a hit of sobriety and insecurity. I stopped moving and he noticed. All of the reasons why I shouldn't be shacking up with this guy came into my head- he doesn't know me/ he doesn't know my body/ it's not going to feel like my old bf/ it's not going to feel that good/ A doesn't care about me. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I told A that I hadn't been with anyone in awhile. He was nice about it and said we could just talk and then go to bed. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and had another hit. Only this time, it was security. I told myself that I deserve to relax and have fun and give this guy a chance at making me feel something. He could never call me again or he could become something great. But why not let myself try before putting up the walls again. was close to midnight and my mind was having a battle with my lower regions...I decided to give my head a break and let my (umm) instincts drive the boat for the rest of the night. Not something I do, well ever! But did I mention they hadn't a chance to drive since there was snow on the ground??

So I fixed my hair and strutted back into the bedroom. And let's just say, the security and confidence and feel-good carefree fun me stayed in tact...twice. And then showed up again in the morning.

Waking up next to A the next morning was...interesting. I knew it wasn't going to be the oldBF on the other side of the bed when I turned over. I pushed that visual away. I turned over and looked at him. I pushed some hair out of his face and smiled as he leaned in to kiss me good morning. I thought about it and I liked that it was A there. Because he wanted to be there, with me, and he wanted to lean in and kiss me and hold me. And whisper he wanted to see me again.

Again, nothing could come of this, but the potential, the possibility of something, right now, for even the over-analytical side of me, is better than having someone who stopped whispering and leaning in, a long time ago.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The Middle

Being in the middle of transition is paralyzingly terrifying and nerve-wracking. It's been some interesting couple of weeks. And my nerves and excitement battle each other each morning. My energy and optimism and strength and esteem are at an all time high each before my first sip of coffee.

Nothing can stop me, no one can get in my way from growing into the woman I want to be. I walk tall and smile and say good morning to everyone who glances in my direction. I feel lighter than air and strong.
Then, little things happen quickly around me...and reality sets in. Negativity and politics and drama start to shove against my coat of self. And I find it hard to push back and regain my footing. Little moments and big battles seem to make up most of my day. The constant pushing and pulling of what matters, what I take in and what I chose to ignore. It's pretty fucking exhausting. What's that you say? It's called being an adult. Yeah, I'm getting that now. Recovery needs to happen fast and quick these days.

I'm about to sign my first lease in three years. Occupancy/sublet is a beautiful paperless real estate phenomenon but it has ended. I've accepted the available position at a different department at work. The messy paperwork and HR above-my-head politics that I'm dealing with by switching departments is shocking. I thought it'd be an easy, supportive switch. But all of a sudden, everyone has a different definition of protocol. I'll skip the stressful politics and move on.

I should tell's the old BFs department. But I won't be working with him. Hopefully. But on another note, I will be making more money and have more responsibility.
And any discomfort that slides in when I think about that I could end up at a desk next to his...I ignore because I refuse to let him get in the way of all of the potential I'm feeling right now.

The light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train's the opening. It's the quick intake of air before the next open unmarked road. And I'm pushing through and past the train to grab on to that light as fast as I can. Here's to the murky, windy path ahead! Big inhale and go!

Thursday, September 9, 2010


Quick question blogger buddies-

If you were given a gift- to go anywhere for 7-10 days, where would you go?
A solo travel adventure, paid for...any suggestions?