The Middle

Being in the middle of transition is paralyzingly terrifying and nerve-wracking. It's been some interesting couple of weeks. And my nerves and excitement battle each other each morning. My energy and optimism and strength and esteem are at an all time high each before my first sip of coffee.

Nothing can stop me, no one can get in my way from growing into the woman I want to be. I walk tall and smile and say good morning to everyone who glances in my direction. I feel lighter than air and strong.

Then, little things happen quickly around me...and reality sets in. Negativity and politics and drama start to shove against my coat of self. And I find it hard to push back and regain my footing. Little moments and big battles seem to make up most of my day. The constant pushing and pulling of what matters, what I take in and what I chose to ignore. It's pretty fucking exhausting. What's that you say? It's called being an adult. Yeah, I'm getting that now. Recovery needs to happen fast and quick these days.

I'm about to sign my first lease in three years. Occupancy/sublet is a beautiful paperless real estate phenomenon but it has ended. I've accepted the available position at a different department at work. The messy paperwork and HR above-my-head politics that I'm dealing with by switching departments is shocking. I thought it'd be an easy, supportive switch. But all of a sudden, everyone has a different definition of protocol. I'll skip the stressful politics and move on.

I should tell you...it's the old BFs department. But I won't be working with him. Hopefully. But on another note, I will be making more money and have more responsibility.

And any discomfort that slides in when I think about that I could end up at a desk next to his...I ignore because I refuse to let him get in the way of all of the potential I'm feeling right now.

The light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train anymore...it's the opening. It's the quick intake of air before the next open unmarked road. And I'm pushing through and past the train to grab on to that light as fast as I can. Here's to the murky, windy path ahead! Big inhale and go!