Wednesday, September 4, 2013

My Next Step

I don't like goodbyes. I realized I may be slightly obsessed with vampires because of their lack of goodbyes. I feel like I could've said goodbye to this blog for awhile but I wasn't sure how. 
I wish I could say I'm ending this blog because a new chapter has been I got a new job when really I'm temping at the company that laid me off or I'm moving when really I just resigned my lease, or we're engaged when really our pacing hasn't changed, or he said I love you when really he hasn't (worldwide groan).
Things are starting to build up and starting to bother me. Others seem to have this very natural way to move forward and I'm a little stuck. I want things to change, I'm just not sure on the direction.

I mostly want more out of my relationship but I don't know what. I'm happy where things are but I know I need to figure out where my heart lies in future stages in order to sort out the present. Whenever I think about next steps a fog rolls in on me and I don't have a clear image. I think it has a lot to do with 2 things- my parents separation and me not having my first relationship till I was 24. I'm a tad emotionally stunted in sharing my life with someone. I clearly don't know fully how.
My mother seems to think that when I meet the right guy then this image becomes clear but I don't believe that. 

I think it has to do with my own comfort level with those 'Bridget Jones' next steps as I get older...meeting parents, moving in, marriage. It all involves giving up a part of myself I just don't know how to let go of. It's like I'm missing these puzzle pieces. I know I should want to give up these parts as I merge more with my boyfriend's own parts but I keep hitting a road block.
I always felt I would address all of these things in therapy when I was ready and now's the time for me. Time to call in the shrinkadink. I can't progress and evolve without figuring out what I want and my relationship can't matter who I'm with. 

So I'm stopping posts and will start a new blog as soon as I feel I have reading worthy content to share with you all. This blog has been an amazing outlet and source of support over the past years and I appreciate all my commenters and followers. Stay tuned...