Saturday, December 31, 2011

Be the Dragon

According to the Chinese, 2012 is the year of the dragon which symbolizes magic and power and according the Mayans 2012 is the year the world will end.

Whether everything changes or we end in fire or ice, here’s what I’m going after- (feel free to chime in)


By the summer transfer to a different team at work.

Make more friends at work- introduce myself to the group of 20 something yr. olds who play Ping Pong down the hall from my office, and get my name added to the scoreboard.


Go to Vegas in February with only single girlfriends and let my mischievous side out.

Go to Chicago when the weather gets warmer and visit my best friend. I’ve been saying I’d visit since 2004, it’s dragon time.

Get kissed more often.

Get highlights, brown is so 2011.


Fall in love again.

Get on JDate. Seriously, it’s time and mom will never stop asking until I do it. Any suggestions on a good username would be helpful!


Visit family every six-eight weeks.

Make sure cousins and new niece, and upcoming new nephew know my name as they grow up. I’m tired of being the one who went to New York and only visits once a year.

Make solid attempt to fix Dad’s relationship with his brother.


Drink loads of water everyday.

Get to the gym as often as possible- this means in the AM before work like I used to. I liked my body better then- it’s time to get rid of those eight annoying pounds I’ve had all Fall.

Smile often.

Daily dance parties.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Girl with a Book

I never used to understand people in bars, sitting alone with a book. It never looked right. Like, we all see you, trying to read in a crowded bar surrounded by booze. What exactly are you doing?

Today I was that girl. My favorite coffee shop was full so I found a near empty bar serving food around the corner from it.

The bartender was charming and cute. But married. To a girl who he admitted, just needed a green card. When you read the book 'The Marriage Plot' in public, such interesting conversations happen with strangers.

A few hours later, I was fed and a few gin cocktails deep. I didn't know it was a 2 for 1 special but I was glad it was.

I was in the holiday spirit and didn't want to leave. The people around me welcomed me into their group as I paused from reading. There was a shot involved later. The bartender got busy.

I relaxed and let myself fall in love with the bartender just for those few hours.

I had one of those great afternoons where I felt like I could do anything I wanted. I was grateful for being so unattached.

It was early in the afternoon on a Sunday and I felt free.

Monday was so far away. I could sit and read by candle light with a drink next to me or make a new best friend.

I was satisfied with either.

Thirty dollars and 4 hours later I left fully tipsy and feeling good.

Leaving just as unattached as a arrived, but a lot more satisfied.

I'll admit a part of me was waiting for my next love to walk into the bar sometime in those hours I was sitting in Norm's corner.

Another part of me was just happy to leave with no ties.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Un Pause

I’ve been on hold for some time now, emotionally and according to the extra weight in my ass, physically.

I used some drama going on with my family to deter me from making any choices in my own life. My ability to mentally multi tast got a little derailed.

I unintentionally halted future plans and kept my walls up. I was in a constant emergency landing position. It took me months to realize it.

And finally it’s lifting. I’m learning how to throw my arms up and dance again.

I’m learning how to not feel guilty for just watching TV for six hours on a Sunday.

I’m learning that there’s a lot I can’t control but that doesn’t mean that I have no control.

I’m learning someone could spend their entire life trying to figure out the actions of their ex boyfriend but I don’t want to anymore. Short of him giving me the big gesture he’s done taking up space on this blog.

This is the last post about him.

This is called growth- he came out to a mutual friend’s birthday party last night. He met her at my party a week ago and I met her a few months ago. She’s my friend. I know what you’re thinking, he was interested in her. But he wasn’t. He barely talked to her.

He talked to me and bought me drinks. At one point I got pulled into the dance floor and danced with my new friends. He stayed back and started talking to a girl in the party. I stopped turning back to him and just nodded when he would get up to get refills for me. By the end of the night they exchanged numbers.

Later, we shared a taxi uptown and he started to get cranky and complain as he thought about Monday and the weekend being over. I smiled to myself because this was one of his traits that I never liked. He still had it. I didn’t miss it.

I dropped him off and the taxi took me to my apartment. By the time I got home I had a text from him ‘As always, it was good to see you.’ I smiled to myself because this was one of his traits that I did like. He still had it. I expected it.

This is called growth. I got home and didn’t cry. I didn’t feel like he holds the magical weight that could fill the love gap in my life. He may have it one day, but not now.

For now, I’m un-pausing myself and seeing who else can fill me up.

By the way, I’m so much prettier then that chick at the party was. What can I say, I can grow all I want, but that doesn’t mean I’m perfect.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

New Love

I have amazing news that I don't think anyone could've prepared me for. I've heard warnings in the past but didn't fully believe them. I felt a love today that was completely originally. I had sent out vibes to the universe recently of needing a new love interest and it's been delivered.
(especially after make out #2 with the old bf on my birthday)
Ahem, what? Moving along...

It is so soft and genuine and caring and innocent. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. Stop time and fast forward. I had proof of life in my hands. Proof of magic and a bundle of love.
The proof I've been looking for, to restore my faith in the fact that there is something next. Even though, for me- I don't know what that next is. There is something 'other' besides occasional heartbreak and constant disappointment. There's potential.

And it's not easy. In short, it's mindblowing. To accept that what I held in my arms was full of so much. It was thinking and dreaming. It was scared and happy. It's 19 inches and at the beginning stages of life. I've never witnessed this before. And it's absolutely breathtaking, to the point where I'm elated and squeaky.

Though we may always need the occasional EX boyfriend to kiss us on our birthdays or random out of towner for a one night stand, or a deep long lasting crush that may never get returned- the true story of love begins with an inch of potential, an inch of life that only we can recognize.

I see that potential in her- an entire new beautiful force that can give and take, explode and destroy all the love she wants. And it's not terrifying and I don't want to analyze it, it's beautiful.
Today, I recognized and believed in 19 inches of that potential in my amazingly adorable first niece.

If you ever have the chance to witness a newborn joining us in this dizzy world, take it. You'll literally see, everything differently. And it will be lovely.