Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Adult Moves

I’ve decided to move out of the City  
and it’s the biggest adult decision I’ve ever made, well not including deciding to wear lipstick to work.

I’ll be saving over $400 a month and finally, for the first time in 5 years, stop living paycheck to paycheck.
Also I'll have twice the living space.

I’ll be able to do that crazy thing called ‘save money’.

I’ll have a commute for the first time since college but I’m actually OK with it. I always liked riding the train and analyzing people. 
So now I get to do it for 30 minutes at a time.
Plus I'll be able to read on the train! (Oooh)

I actually haven’t gone out with that guy yet
I’ve cancelled on him twice.

The first time- I told him I had to go look at apartments (lie) but then I ended up having to work late.
The second time- I told him I had to work late (lie) but then I went home and fought with Time Warner Cable via Chat for three hours.

Apparently I’m OK with doing anything else besides going out on this date.

Maybe I’m just waiting till things calm down after I move to go out with this guy.
Or maybe I’m waiting for things to become clearer with the Ex.
Or maybe I just don’t want to go out with him.

Right now I see the Ex once a week- we have a proper date and then an adult sleepover. We email/text every day.

I know I want more, I’m just not sure how to get it.
That being said I’m not sure how much more I even want. 
Why isn't Cosmo or Marie Claire coming out with an article about this? Come on this is basic crisis material here.

I know he’s on my team and cares about me. 
I have a great view of the City from my office and soon I'll have a quiet, new neighborhood to explore. 

For now, while I move forward and Fall begins, maybe that's all I need and I can wait till there's a layer of leaves on the ground to sort out the other things that may need moving (ahem! job, relationship status, grad school apps). 

Okay, fine- maybe I'll need a pack of cigarettes and a bottle or two of wine to get me through this move but regardless, I'll get there.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Potential Pull

On the train ride back my 2nd overnight at the Ex's apartment, I checked my voicemail. 

I had a message from a friend's college friend asking me out for drinks this week. I had never met him. I agreed to my friend passing my number along weeks ago before this guy had moved into the city. 
Now he was here. 

It was the Ex and mine's 7th date this past weekend. 
Things are going well. 
The physical spark is still there and our conversation was great. We brought up old inside jokes and had new ones. I still sometimes got nervous and butterflies. 
Still getting used to sharing a physical space with him and having him host me. 

I'm more aware of us becoming a We then I was last time. Then, the rose-colored glasses were glued to my face. Now I feel emotionally over stimulated by it all and this 'in between' pre- DTR stage is slowly starting to get to me. 

Last night while I lay beside him I had a dream that he was dating some crazy girl while starting things back up with me. He was begging for my forgiveness and told me things with the crazy girl started going south as he started seeing me. He told me he loved me and just wanted to wine and dine me. 

In real life he's said the latter to me. 
I don't need to hear that he loves me. 
It's too early for that. But I do need something now that it's been almost 2 months since we hit the On button on our story again. 
I want it without asking for it, which less face it- isn't going to happen since guys can't read minds. 
He won't know that I need a temperature check until I ask one. 
Any ideas how? 

Something in between a 5th grader asking 'Do you want to be my boyfriend? Circle yes or no.' and an adult's overly exposed 'Where do you see us going?'

I don't want to feel exposed and I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. I want to know that as we continue to share physical time and space, that I'm not emotionally in that space alone.
I need to know I can let go of other potential ties and just hold on to him.

Until then, though even my subconscious hates the idea of the Ex dating, I'm not sure I can say no to a date.
I know it will pull me in a direction I don't want...
but I'm not tied down yet.