Saturday, July 17, 2010

Are You Having A Laugh?

Things happen for a reason right? People come in and out of our lives, for reasons we may not understand till later. But above everything else, I think there are two facts I can lean on right now
' the one constant is that things change' and ' it takes more than love'.

I was woken up at 6 am this morning from my father sending me texts, giving me play by plays regarding a family situation that was evolving throughout the morning. So needless to say I had an early start. I mentally tucked away the family drama and moved on. We were short handed at work today so I got stuck dealing with one request and problem after the other. I didn't have lunch till 4.
I was cranky and busy but kept things going. I needed the busy. Especially after the recent bf stress.

At about 5 pm I get a call from V- my high school friend who just moved here to be with her bf. They've been together for 7 years and planned this move 3 years ago. He's two weeks from taking the bar exam and each day she's out looking for a job and apartment for the two of them.

They were my beacon. My logical, reasonable, in love, lovely couple. And today she called me crying, asking for a forever. How long could she stay with me?

I should've been surprised but I wasn't. I said of course and we made plans to meet.

Towards the end of the work day my old BF came up to me and asked what I was doing tonight, cause his friend just gave him two extra tickets to see Weezer.

I told him I needed to take care of a friend whose boyfriend just dumped her after seven years. He let out a sympathetic groan, winced and said sorry that's rough. I shrugged, turned back to my desk and said Yeah well, it happens.

Then I thought, perfect timing, you ass. I would've said yes if this situation didn't arise, but again, maybe it's good that I had an excuse.

She didn't explain till I met up with her after work but her boyfriend said she was adding stress to her life, she wasn't the same girl she was and he didn't want her around.
V is extremely strong and though she now has no backup plan and is in a city she doesn't know for a guy who doesn't want her, with no job- she kept on repeating last night 'I'm fine. I'm not devastated. I'm not drunk.' Of course the opposite was true. I think she's still in shock.

To have another heartbreak around me, is comforting, yet lonely. The air feels emptier and less hopeful. She's not cynical yet and not angry. I wasn't ready to take this on and I'm not sure what to tell her. I just kept on saying that she doesn't need to figure out everything in one night, and she can stay with me as long as she wants. Any other suggestions??

I've learned this though... that love is just one part of a relationship. There's love and then there's everything else. It's not my cynicism talking anymore, it's reality: love doesn't conquer all. Love is never enough.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Same Old, Need Some New

It's been five months since things ended. And I'm in the same old trap that every woman gets stuck in- waiting for a man to wake up and change. I'm tired of feeling this way: immensely underpaid and unappreciated at work, and daily just inches away from the relationship I want with pounds of loneliness on top of me after each interaction I have with him.

One reason that I'm looking for a new job is to avoid telling him how I feel. I don't know when I turned into this girl, but I did. I went out there for a happy ending and the second it become hard, I didn't know how to fix it. And apparently, neither did he. So he let me go, for me.

My coworker said some wise words to me that I'm still digesting
'You can't let the possibility of rejection stop you from trying to get what you want. Rejection is a part of relationships and it's a part of life.'

Why is it so hard for me to talk to him about how I feel, about what I want? I spent a year with him and now I get jealous when other people get to spend time with him. I somehow put myself on the outside of this circle away from him. And estranged myself.

I'll tell you one thing- after all of our interactions each day for five months, I've mastered the art of quick banter and freezing up everything I feel inside. It's just sitting there, occasionally being pulled and poked at...expanding and hardener some more. How do I release it all? My first love, my first heartbreak...I'll ask you guys- how is a second supposed to get in after all of this?

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Good Timing

I'm mentally exhausted after these last two days, and my liver hates me too. I was on a project this weekend with my old bf, which meant quality time in an empty office. I felt nervous and good to be around him. He was nice and jokey and fun. And shocker, that it gave me all sorts of mixed emotions again. I hate how he's nice to me now when he did such a shitty job at the end of our relationship. It's confusing and painful and makes me still have feelings for him. I'm going to talk to him and tell him how I feel (I know I've sung that tune before.) I just don't know when. In the mean time I'm going to put all my energy into finding a new job. And the gym. Just keep reminding me of the last part, you know- the whole focus on me thing!

One of my best high school friends named V moved to the city to live with her boyfriend. I now have an extra genuine friend in town and she couldn't have arrived at a better time. I was moody and bitchy and ranty at dinner tonight and she let me complain. It was great. I didn't have to pretend with her. I'm fortunate that she's here now.

She's the most sensible girl I know in a relationship. She's moving in with her BF of 6 years and she's going in with this attitude: now is the time to get to know him and see if we can really make the relationship work. If it doesn't work and we can't live together, it'd suck but at least we'll know.
She's not promising herself happily ever after and I think that's great. I know too many girls that put too much pressure on the big next step and it's just unrealistic and they get burned.

Another example of how great this girl is: he recently asked her to give up drinking. She said fine but requested that he gives up something too. He said ok. She told him to grow up and give up acting like a kid. She told him to be more romantic and adult. He tried but said he wasn't ready. So we're going out drinking next weekend.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Reality Check

I'm not saying I've let the dark side take over but my heavy cynicism keeps peaking every now and then. Right before I left for vacation things were getting tense between a flakey friend/coworker of mine named L. She's been a good friend this year and is the girl I hang out with at industry parties and when I really feel like drinking hard. When I feel like drying out and not being around people, then we have less to talk about. And again, she flakes on plans all the time. L is the kind of girl that will bail at the last second if something better comes up but will then lie about it. She also makes big arm gestures when she's talking/being dramatic and putting on a 'I need attention' show. Remind me why do I hang out with her again??

Anyway, at work we had two days last week where projects we worked on kept getting messed up and in short, I learned she's a shitty communicator. We haven't talked too much since I've been back in town but she did email me a message she got from her ex, asking me what she should do:

"every time i go to text you, i realize i don't have your number. and then i forget to ask you for it after the fact. i broke my phone a few weeks ago. numbers = gone. so, text me sometime. you're hot"

This girl needs to read Why Do Men Love Bitches and she needs to read it yesterday.

Luckily I was busy catching up with work so I didn't reply to her or see her the rest of the day.

Maybe it's because I've been around too many broken relationships the last six months BUT does anyone else see that message translated to:

"sometimes I think about having sex with you and then I forget about you. i run into you and we have sex when we're drunk. then i don't see you for awhile and i get horny at 3am and wish you'd just come over to have sex and then leave. i don't want to talk to you though or spend any real time with you. can you get hung up on me again and text me so we can have sex whenever i want?"

P.S. Last week made plans to get drinks with the Brit tonight. The last communication was from me saying ok let's be in touch next week to pick a place. Was I wrong to not text/call him this week? In either case, guess who didn't get a followup text this week to sort out plans and is not drinking with a Brit right now?

P.P.S. I could go off on a bitter rant, but the funny thing is, I expected him to not get in touch with me so I'm not surprised and not mad. Isn't it great when you just start assuming people will disappoint you? At least I have time to catch up on my book club book.

P.P.P.S If you think I deserve a good romp and should just text him when I'm out this weekend, shoot me a comment.

Monday, July 5, 2010


My mother and I are very close and very similar. We are both people who enjoy being social and meeting new people. We are people pleasers. While I get some much needed R & R at home, my mother and I have been having some serious talks about our similar current situations- both newly single and trying to find more genuine friends. Though it's impossible to compare a thirty year marriage with a one year relationship, being dumped is being dumped.

Tonight we talked about how we are both people who like to make others happy. And I'm realizing that this has started to turn into a negative thing. I have been proudly defining myself as low maintenance in my relationships with guys and girls. I accredit this to being easy to get along with and one who goes with the flow and doesn't add to drama. But mother kind of blinked at me as I said this.

She replied by saying 'I don't know why you think being low maintenance is a good thing. But all it got me was the end of a 30 year marriage.'

I realized that she's totally right. If there's a difference between being low maintenance and a complacent pushover then I don't think I know it. I'm constantly the one who goes with whatever the leader in the group wants to do to avoid confrontation. I guess I've turned into a follower in that sense because I feel like most little battles don't matter. I rarely get frustrated in front of other people or get angry. In the end if I continue to nod my head at this and that I'm not going to get any closer to where I want to be. Where ever that may be.

When did I stop standing up and going after what I wanted - big or small? If I don't fight for the little things then I'll never be able to stay strong in the big choices I make. What's wrong with showing a little anger if someone has pissed me off or treated me wrong? I'm tired of tense shoulders and holding back. When did I become the kind of people whose too timid to say, "I want..."??