Saturday, July 17, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
One reason that I'm looking for a new job is to avoid telling him how I feel. I don't know when I turned into this girl, but I did. I went out there for a happy ending and the second it become hard, I didn't know how to fix it. And apparently, neither did he. So he let me go, for me.
My coworker said some wise words to me that I'm still digesting
'You can't let the possibility of rejection stop you from trying to get what you want. Rejection is a part of relationships and it's a part of life.'
Why is it so hard for me to talk to him about how I feel, about what I want? I spent a year with him and now I get jealous when other people get to spend time with him. I somehow put myself on the outside of this circle away from him. And estranged myself.
I'll tell you one thing- after all of our interactions each day for five months, I've mastered the art of quick banter and freezing up everything I feel inside. It's just sitting there, occasionally being pulled and poked at...expanding and hardener some more. How do I release it all? My first love, my first heartbreak...I'll ask you guys- how is a second supposed to get in after all of this?
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I'm not saying I've let the dark side take over but my heavy cynicism keeps peaking every now and then. Right before I left for vacation things were getting tense between a flakey friend/coworker of mine named L. She's been a good friend this year and is the girl I hang out with at industry parties and when I really feel like drinking hard. When I feel like drying out and not being around people, then we have less to talk about. And again, she flakes on plans all the time. L is the kind of girl that will bail at the last second if something better comes up but will then lie about it. She also makes big arm gestures when she's talking/being dramatic and putting on a 'I need attention' show. Remind me why do I hang out with her again??
Anyway, at work we had two days last week where projects we worked on kept getting messed up and in short, I learned she's a shitty communicator. We haven't talked too much since I've been back in town but she did email me a message she got from her ex, asking me what she should do:
"every time i go to text you, i realize i don't have your number. and then i forget to ask you for it after the fact. i broke my phone a few weeks ago. numbers = gone. so, text me sometime. you're hot"
This girl needs to read Why Do Men Love Bitches and she needs to read it yesterday.
Luckily I was busy catching up with work so I didn't reply to her or see her the rest of the day.
Maybe it's because I've been around too many broken relationships the last six months BUT does anyone else see that message translated to:
"sometimes I think about having sex with you and then I forget about you. i run into you and we have sex when we're drunk. then i don't see you for awhile and i get horny at 3am and wish you'd just come over to have sex and then leave. i don't want to talk to you though or spend any real time with you. can you get hung up on me again and text me so we can have sex whenever i want?"
P.S. Last week made plans to get drinks with the Brit tonight. The last communication was from me saying ok let's be in touch next week to pick a place. Was I wrong to not text/call him this week? In either case, guess who didn't get a followup text this week to sort out plans and is not drinking with a Brit right now?
P.P.S. I could go off on a bitter rant, but the funny thing is, I expected him to not get in touch with me so I'm not surprised and not mad. Isn't it great when you just start assuming people will disappoint you? At least I have time to catch up on my book club book.
P.P.P.S If you think I deserve a good romp and should just text him when I'm out this weekend, shoot me a comment.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Tonight we talked about how we are both people who like to make others happy. And I'm realizing that this has started to turn into a negative thing. I have been proudly defining myself as low maintenance in my relationships with guys and girls. I accredit this to being easy to get along with and one who goes with the flow and doesn't add to drama. But mother kind of blinked at me as I said this.
She replied by saying 'I don't know why you think being low maintenance is a good thing. But all it got me was the end of a 30 year marriage.'
I realized that she's totally right. If there's a difference between being low maintenance and a complacent pushover then I don't think I know it. I'm constantly the one who goes with whatever the leader in the group wants to do to avoid confrontation. I guess I've turned into a follower in that sense because I feel like most little battles don't matter. I rarely get frustrated in front of other people or get angry. In the end if I continue to nod my head at this and that I'm not going to get any closer to where I want to be. Where ever that may be.