Restless

My mother and I are very close and very similar. We are both people who enjoy being social and meeting new people. We are people pleasers. While I get some much needed R & R at home, my mother and I have been having some serious talks about our similar current situations- both newly single and trying to find more genuine friends. Though it's impossible to compare a thirty year marriage with a one year relationship, being dumped is being dumped.

Tonight we talked about how we are both people who like to make others happy. And I'm realizing that this has started to turn into a negative thing. I have been proudly defining myself as low maintenance in my relationships with guys and girls. I accredit this to being easy to get along with and one who goes with the flow and doesn't add to drama. But mother kind of blinked at me as I said this.

She replied by saying 'I don't know why you think being low maintenance is a good thing. But all it got me was the end of a 30 year marriage.'

I realized that she's totally right. If there's a difference between being low maintenance and a complacent pushover then I don't think I know it. I'm constantly the one who goes with whatever the leader in the group wants to do to avoid confrontation. I guess I've turned into a follower in that sense because I feel like most little battles don't matter. I rarely get frustrated in front of other people or get angry. In the end if I continue to nod my head at this and that I'm not going to get any closer to where I want to be. Where ever that may be.

When did I stop standing up and going after what I wanted - big or small? If I don't fight for the little things then I'll never be able to stay strong in the big choices I make. What's wrong with showing a little anger if someone has pissed me off or treated me wrong? I'm tired of tense shoulders and holding back. When did I become the kind of people whose too timid to say, "I want..."??