It's been five months since things ended. And I'm in the same old trap that every woman gets stuck in- waiting for a man to wake up and change. I'm tired of feeling this way: immensely underpaid and unappreciated at work, and daily just inches away from the relationship I want with pounds of loneliness on top of me after each interaction I have with him.
One reason that I'm looking for a new job is to avoid telling him how I feel. I don't know when I turned into this girl, but I did. I went out there for a happy ending and the second it become hard, I didn't know how to fix it. And apparently, neither did he. So he let me go, for me.
My coworker said some wise words to me that I'm still digesting
'You can't let the possibility of rejection stop you from trying to get what you want. Rejection is a part of relationships and it's a part of life.'
Why is it so hard for me to talk to him about how I feel, about what I want? I spent a year with him and now I get jealous when other people get to spend time with him. I somehow put myself on the outside of this circle away from him. And estranged myself.
I'll tell you one thing- after all of our interactions each day for five months, I've mastered the art of quick banter and freezing up everything I feel inside. It's just sitting there, occasionally being pulled and poked at...expanding and hardener some more. How do I release it all? My first love, my first heartbreak...I'll ask you guys- how is a second supposed to get in after all of this?