It's been five months since things ended. And I'm in the same old trap that every woman gets stuck in- waiting for a man to wake up and change. I'm tired of feeling this way: immensely underpaid and unappreciated at work, and daily just inches away from the relationship I want with pounds of loneliness on top of me after each interaction I have with him.
One reason that I'm looking for a new job is to avoid telling him how I feel. I don't know when I turned into this girl, but I did. I went out there for a happy ending and the second it become hard, I didn't know how to fix it. And apparently, neither did he. So he let me go, for me.
My coworker said some wise words to me that I'm still digesting
'You can't let the possibility of rejection stop you from trying to get what you want. Rejection is a part of relationships and it's a part of life.'
Why is it so hard for me to talk to him about how I feel, about what I want? I spent a year with him and now I get jealous when other people get to spend time with him. I somehow put myself on the outside of this circle away from him. And estranged myself.
I'll tell you one thing- after all of our interactions each day for five months, I've mastered the art of quick banter and freezing up everything I feel inside. It's just sitting there, occasionally being pulled and poked at...expanding and hardener some more. How do I release it all? My first love, my first heartbreak...I'll ask you guys- how is a second supposed to get in after all of this?
Don't wait for him to change, he my never. I don't know the complete history, though I tired to dig around a bit here, but wait hurts.
ReplyDeleteTell him how you feel if you most but I suggest keeping it to yourself. Life isn't the movies no matter how persuasive we are chances are they are not going to change. I like to think I'll just save my true feeling for a death bed confession, dieing of cancer and humiliation can't be any more painful than dieing of cancer.
Concentrate on getting that job it sounds like you deserve would be my advice-- it is so easy to GIVE advice.
Oh honey, I know how you feel and I hate that you're feeling this way. I used to believe that there was formula for getting over someone based on how long you were together and now I know it doesn't work that way. I agree with Bathwater to keep it to yourself...at least until you find a new job! I always want closure (or to have the last word...or to convince them that they're making a mistake) and in the end, I spill my heart and they are silent and/or can't give me the response I was hoping to hear. And then I feel embarassed. I know it's hard, but keep doing what you're doing - keep yourself busy, even when you don't think you have the energy to...especially when you don't have the energy to. I hated hearing this when I was going through this stage and will probably hate hearing this in the future when inevitably a break up happen again, but it's true: "this too shall pass".
ReplyDeleteWhat I mean taking advice even one's own advice is hard even if we know it is true. take care.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you want to avoid telling him because you already know the response. I'd like to pull out my favorite line from "Grey's Anatomy" (and apologies in advance if you are not a fan)
ReplyDelete"As surgeons, there are so many things we have to know. We have to know we have what it takes. We have to know how to take care of our patients... and how to take care of each other. Eventually, we even have to figure out how to take care of ourselves. As surgeons we have to be in the know. But as human beings, sometimes it's better to stay in the dark, because in the dark there may be fear, but there's also hope."
You wait for a "second" that will work to get in, and keep working the whole time you keep them out. That's what I did, and the next guy I fell for was 2 years after my big heart break. He worked hard and continues to work hard to pull the walls down. While it frustrates the hell out of him, he does it and claims he will continue to... We'll see if he does.
ReplyDeleteYou can't wait forever for him. You have to take a chance and tell him how you feel and if he really cares about you he will listen and actually talk to you and communicate things with you. I was with my ex-fiancee for 3 years when he ended things I was a complete mess. There were lots of factors in why things didn't work out but the main thing is that I couldn't get out of my "dark" stage. I was a complete bitch for 2 years after him and I was just completely cynical and dark. Trust me it is not a place you want to stay!! Keep doing things that you want to do and want to try. Keep going out with friends that are real friends! Keep your mind busy on anything but him (trust me I know how hard it is but you can do it) I think that getting a new job would be very helpful for you (even if things work out with him) it will be a good thing for you to stop seeing him everyday at work, it will help you move on with whatever happens! trust me you will make it, it is hard but you will make it!!! Keep smiling
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