Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Light Bulb

You know how when a light goes out but then for the next hour you still try to turn the light on? I get stuck in that emotional mental mind game about boys. And I don’t realize it till I see my friends do it and call it out to them.

We get trapped in the circle of ‘what if’s and ‘should I’s’. See last post. :)
What if he’s sleeping with other people? What if he doesn’t care for me how I care for him? 
Should I text him when he hasn’t text me all day? Should I go out on a date? 
I could go on for days.

Today a friend reminded me, that it really doesn’t matter what he does or what I think I should do. 
It’s about what I want.

And suddenly I reminded the other half of my brain there’s nothing I can do about the light until I get it fixed. 
My mind is fighting with the fact that it’s broken. 

I’m not comparing a broken light to my relationship. 
I’m comparing it to how we think and manage to complicate things so easily and quickly by fighting against what we already know.

I answered the question. 

I want a couple good friends who love me after seeing me at my worst and can pick up their phone to listen to me drunk cry at 1am and still meet me for brunch the next day.
I want 1 person who can make me laugh and wants to hold my hand and kiss me on street corners.

Nothing else really matters 
and there’s not much more I need to figure out right now. 

I’ll find that 1 person whether it’s my ex or the guy my  friend wants to set me up with or someone else. 

The light will turn on again, so I can tell the other half of my brain to stop fighting it and playing with switches.

Friday, August 17, 2012

(Un) Lucky # 13

We were always told that love came with sex. 
So what happens when sex is just sex and love is elsewhere...dangling along a street sign a couple zip codes away and hasn’t been officially jotted down yet?
(i.e. my new non ex and me)
Alright, I’m not trying to excuse every hussy out there. 
Just me. Because I feel shitty.
I was protecting myself. Ugh.
(blowing emotionally chunks in background)
Is this the excuse that cheaters give themselves? 
Though! (triple million explanation marks) I’m not a cheater. 
We are not locked down to each other. 
Sure, there’s been some dating and some adult sleepovers 
(one day I’ll grow up and call it sex) 
and feelings floating around all over the place 
we are NOT exclusive.
AND just because I politely and gracefully asked him to not sleep with anyone else/tell me if he did/but don’t sleep with anyone else...does NOT mean...I can’t.
He never asked me.
SO technically all rules pertaining to me are void.
I’m just here to give him a try 
like we talked about on the 4th of July. 
(see archives, I'm too tired to link up)
No pressure on either side right?
IF my best friend’s non-boyfriend’s best friend happens to be this hot Hawaiian ONLY in town for the weekend, 
CAN you really blame me? 
I mean, mentally I told him five times that I wasn’t going to sleep with him...
cause I was seeing my new non ex in 24 hours...
SO it’s not my fault that he didn’t hear me.
I had fun. Quit judging. 
If you have to feel bad for me, than feel bad because of the golf instructional video that was on the entire time.
What do they call that?

Sunday, August 12, 2012

De- Exed

You ever realize you aren’t sure what you’re doing but can’t decide if you like it or not? 

I guess we need these challenges to help us differientiate between life’s small problems and big problems. We typically solve the small problems quickly without more than a second blink in its direction. The bigger ones like to sit and stir and get pushed around.
It’s rude and annoying really. Different solutions need to stop sprouting up. Everything should remain black and white, enough of this mucky grey (gray?) business it hurts my head.
I can never remember which one is the color...

Anyways, obviously talking about the guy here...the new old guy. What’s a revived ex that’s not yet defined as a boyfriend yet? At the very least out of exile right? (bah dum ching)

I have two schools of thought on this one, so let me know where you sit Dear Reader. 

We’ve been non-definably dating for about a month now and in touch everyday. Sometimes we just joke and other times we talk. All text and email.
(I scowl at modern day technology. I never use my phone as a phone anymore. Can we please star a revolution to get the phone call back??)

This past week I was out of town on family duty. Nothing serious or major, just going in for support and assistance. 
He doesn’t know details yet of what my family dynamic has been like the past few years (note: heavy).

We haven’t dealt with really any real life stuff outside of talking about ‘us’ back on the 4th of July. 
Since then it’s been flirting, banter and then...sex and dating. 
All the good stuff. (cheers from the crowd!)

BUT...(of course there's a but)
A couple times when we were out I noticed he was texting a girl he used to hook up with. 
Not a pretty girl either, that would almost sit better with me. But this girl is a pile of a girl. 

MEN- I know it’s hard to do, but when you pick those girls to slut around with after a relationship ends, please attempt to trade up. Cause when we meet them down the road (AKA facebook stalk) it’s an insult to us knowing that the penis was in both places (paradise...and then a trash dump).

Anyways, I saw her name pop up a few times while we've been out. 
I couldn’t see the texts. 
He says he’s not sleeping with anyone else but it’d really skeeve me out to find out they were still sleeping together. 
Maybe they’re just dating and not sleeping together
or friends...like maybe she’s dating someone else now and they just text? 
Pipe dream? Beuller...?

Again, we aren’t exclusive so he can technically do what he wants and lie to me about it. 
But then it’s a question of respect and all that jazz. 
And I'd be pissed if he didn't tell the truth and turn green and grow and beat him up cause even getting here was hard.

SO- I have 2 options or more if you wanna chime in team. 
  1. ignore any and all texts from females I see and continue to feel amazing when I’m with him and take it all day by day. And work towards trusting him just as things are. And perhaps shack up with the Brit if there’s more reason to thing he is sleeping with other girls. *But for pete's sake (and mine) get tested first cause who knows where his pepe has been.
  2. open up a little bit and explain that between work and the occasional family drama, I don’t have time to wonder about all the above things and nor do I want to, so we’re either going to lock this thing down and be exclusive or not cause I'm a busy girl and don't like taking up the Sunday brunch table with this silly stuff Bridget Jones would scoff at. 
And go!