Saturday, February 27, 2010

Dancing with Myself

I've never felt so uncomfortable by myself as I have this last week.
I just don't know what to do with myself.

All I want to do is pull a Streisand from The Way We Were and call him cause he's my best friend. I never understood that part of the movie till now.
I'm less sad as I was a week ago and my crying spurts have been fewer and far between. But let's look at the past 24 hours shall we, and see what exactly I've been doing?

Last night I couldn't get my friends to muster any energy to go out in the cold, so I ended up going to bed before 9PM, literally- just to pass the time, with the decision in my head that there's nothing left for my in the city.

And then this morning came:

I cleaned my apartment,
took out the trash,
went to the gym for awhile,
Starbucks run,
read the new Cosmo,
took a long shower,
put away my laundry,
changed a lightbulb in the living room,
went grocery shopping *for the first time in 10 months*
(which doesn't take as long as a I remember)
put away the groceries,
watched an episode of the OfficeUK,
made dinner plans with a friend for later,
some how managed to rip a whole in the crotch of my favorite pants,
and now blogging.

I have a novel sitting next to me called "Committed"
Can we discuss the irony?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Okay, show of hands...

Who saw a break coming?? Be honest, raise your hand, give a quick shout. I'm slowly accepting that when a guy isn't saying he loves you, it's because he doesn't. Plan and simple. I'm the girl you memorized the book 'He's Just Not That Into You' and I still am trying to deal with it.

So last Thursday night we go out to dinner, and we're both too quiet and serious and letting the damn Olympics and the food on our plates entertain us and drive the conversation. By the time he lets me out of the taxi before going to the train station, I blurt out that we needed to talk. I told him I wasn't happy, and he's not the same guy I knew. We don't laugh or joke or play and there's something wrong and I don't know how to fix it. He agreed and didn't argue back. He said let's take the weekend to think about things.

Friday night I drink my body weight in PetronXO. Saturday I slept on the couch and stayed in the next night, due to dehydration and Mexican induced food coma. Via text we agreed to meet the next day. He got right into it when we met at the Starbucks next to my apartment- he said he thinks we need a clean break and time apart. He needs time to get his shit together. He can't be in a relationship right now, it's not fair to me because he can't give me the attention or support I need. He explained that he wants to hang out but he can't be in a relationship with me right now.

He didn't say these things lightly, nor did I take them that way. I got back to my apartment and cried the rest of the day and night. The next day at work I saw him, of course- and I had to shove earphones in my ears and bite my tongue all day to stop myself from crying. I was shaky and on edge all day. The second I stepped out of the building at the end of the day, I started to cry. And that's what my week has been like. I bought a pack of cigarettes and have been chain smoking while I walk.

It happened fast too...gradually then suddenly. It's like I knew things weren't working but I didn't actually let my mind accept that we'd break up or take a break. Or whatever the hell we're doing now. He said he didn't want any lingering questions, but I have questions, like is this fucking working for him? Because I know I was frustrated before but this feels like a gun shot to the gut. Well, heart actually.

I've been with him a year and now I'm trying to figure out how the hell I filled out my time before him. I'm thinking about him the same amount but it's like he's just out of my life. In and now out. Like a fucking magic trick.

Monday, February 15, 2010

The VDay That Wasn't

You ever reach your breaking point? Valentine's day was mine. I told my bf a week ago that I was too overwhelmed with family drama to really focus on Vday and hey, how about we do something low key. So he says he'll cook for me. I like that idea. He cooks every now and then. I pictured candles, I pictured me in new lingerie. I picked up a tie and a card before I got to his place for the weekend. Saturday- unfortunately, like normal routine, we watched TV most of the day and then went out for dinner.

I offered up a couple afternoon activities- like pet store or bowling but no enthusiasm actually got us there. Sunday- unfortunately, like normal routine, he got up and showered. And didn't acknowledge the holiday, once. No flowers. No candy. No fucking card. Nothing. We bummed around on the couch until the afternoon. Then we went grocery shopping and he cooked dinner. I lit two candles. We watched movies till about 1. I put on my new VSecret lingerie and he gave me a kiss and smile before going into the bathroom to wash up...I told my girlfriend this tonight while we were on our second bottle of wine...this was the shock factor for her.

The fact that he went to go wash up while I sat in bed in my new fifty dollar nightgown and waited for him. I look back now and am yelling and throwing hard object at myself.

So you know what stayed dormant this weekend? Besides my pent up feelings? His VDay card, his VDay present, and the oil and lotion I bought from PleasureChest. I got on the train this afternoon and started to cry (not the first time). I've reached my breaking point. I love him but I he's not the same guy that uses to dip me and kiss me randomly when we were first dating. I know relationships change, but instead of growing...ours is in a downward spiral. He used to be in the drivers' seat and me, happily next to him. And now, no ones watching the road.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Drink and Blog

Maybe...I should only blog on Sunday morning where all remnants of alcohol have left my system...see below.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Hyper Sensitive

(deep exhale) So maybe it's just me, (since I'm the one who comes back and feels like I'm in a changed relationship) who has been over analytical and lonely recently. I've been filling up my calendar as best as I can, and really compared to the end of 09, I'm doing a great job. I've been going to JNF events, meeting friends for dinner, even going to the gym during peak night hours. I've been a 'yes to plan post work' kind of girl, because work has been semi slow. For me. The BF's schedule has gone from bad to worse and if you know anything about dating a workaholic, you know what it's like to have a relationship outside of a unpredictable work schedule- CUE someone saying "well that's advertising for ya' plus, an eye roll.

And yes, I've talked to him. I'm trying to find that balance of support and pushing where I can't gage yet how he needs me. Should I push him more to update his resume or push him more to ask for a promotion? Either way I find I never know whether he's looking for my support in quitting or moving up. Either way he complains and is quite unhappy. He says he's gained weight (yes, but I don't mind) he says he doesn't feel like himself, he says he feels like a robot. Not. Good. Things.

I've told him that work is important and I respect that, but it isn't everything. I still don't think he gets it. The big picture. It's not about money or a pat on your back from your boss. It's about another kind of fulfillment that can only be compared to a cheap, spontaneous piece of warm apple pie. It's small, and it's out of nowhere, but it makes you feel less lonely and you enjoy every second without thinking of the past or future.

I respect his life style but that doesn't mean I understand it. He's been living in the same apartment and job schedule for over ten years. I watch as he puts his key in his apartment door and sometimes all I can think is : ten've been doing this for ten years. The same key, in the same door. He thinks about more, he's human so he questions and critiques. I just don't know what he wants at this point. To be cliche and to put myself a's not about the girl. He's so far away from figuring out where he wants to be and who, just on his own without the female factor- that I can't take the next decision personally, though I know, it'll suck if it turns out bad for me.

Tonight he asked me out for a late drink while he was getting off work. I showered from the gym and met him. Thinking along the way, I only went ten blocks but would've met him half way to Jersey just to see him = whipped. It's true. The time I have with him, I value now because I feel like so much has been taken away with his work schedule.

While he was walking me home he said I was being hyper sensitive. I had beer for dinner, so immediately laughed and agreed to whatever we were talking about. And admit to had being called that prior. In hindsight I wish I said a big fuck you- it would've felt so great. He knows my parents are going through a 30 year separation. And I just found out- though we had both had beer for dinner, you woulda thought that while I still process what is going on in my family life, he attempts to give me a little reassurance and a little less last minute critique. I know, I'm being sensitive- but after your parents splits up and start dating other people, wouldn't you need a little extra mental satisfaction from the guy you've been dating the last 10.5 months???