Define

Okay- I need a little help here. I've spoken with my guy friends and they seem to know what a 'crazy ex girlfriend' is defined as, but my girlfriends only seem to define it as being 'weak'. I know I get bucket loads of readers out there, but please just let me know your thoughts.

I emailed him towards the end of work today, making a sly comment about something, after that we had some exchanges in emails. No big deal, just jokes. First contact since last week. We end up, leaving the floor at the same time and are at the office with a few other coworkers. He asks me, if I'd like to join them out for a drink. Another coworker pressured me and I said yes. So we left. We got to the first bar, and he bought everyones first round, talked a few minutes, as I quickly pushed myself to talk and not get quiet under nerves. After ten minutes he rotated.

I need to mention that tonight is the night before his birthday. The past two years he's had parties out at bars and I haven't heard anything...I worry that

A I haven't been invited or

B Tonight was his shared bday party and totally underplayed.

After one round at the bar, we went to another bar. Where his BBF/coworker and his wife are at with shocker- more coworkers who I all know. The BBF and wife seem surprised to see me. We talk quickly, mostly about Lost. He rotates around. I talk to coworkers for awhile. It gets to a point where I get bored and antsy and don't see him. And think, he either left or he's on another part of the bar.

Either way, clearly not focused on me. Quick re-eyeliner and gloss bathroom trip and I'm half on my way out out, when I see him at the front of the bar.

He's there, in the middle of a group of people. I go to him and tell him I'm leaving. He says 'It's nice to see me' as he gives me a hug and squeeze. He's been drinking. I nod and say 'If I don't see you, happy birthday." Even though...I'll see him tomorrow.

I go outside, get a taxi and cry.

I explained all this to a guy friend and he said I couldn't expect the attention to be on me at all because it is the night before his bday and the attention was on him. I shouldn't take it personally. And I'm expecting too much too fast.

I told him to f-off, because, I'm tired of letting things just happen, I know what I want- and I know how to go after it. So don't call me naive, when I say...I'll end up with him. My feelings, my desire, everything I feel is real, I'm not about to let it go because we got lost the first go around.

It's not over. I'll push on, and I'll be damned if I just sit back and watch, as I lose him. In this situation, when he's this close, and this familiar, I refuse to lose him for the sake of convenience.

The VDay That Wasn't

You ever reach your breaking point? Valentine's day was mine. I told my bf a week ago that I was too overwhelmed with family drama to really focus on Vday and hey, how about we do something low key. So he says he'll cook for me. I like that idea. He cooks every now and then. I pictured candles, I pictured me in new lingerie. I picked up a tie and a card before I got to his place for the weekend. Saturday- unfortunately, like normal routine, we watched TV most of the day and then went out for dinner.

I offered up a couple afternoon activities- like pet store or bowling but no enthusiasm actually got us there. Sunday- unfortunately, like normal routine, he got up and showered. And didn't acknowledge the holiday, once. No flowers. No candy. No fucking card. Nothing. We bummed around on the couch until the afternoon. Then we went grocery shopping and he cooked dinner. I lit two candles. We watched movies till about 1. I put on my new VSecret lingerie and he gave me a kiss and smile before going into the bathroom to wash up...I told my girlfriend this tonight while we were on our second bottle of wine...this was the shock factor for her.

The fact that he went to go wash up while I sat in bed in my new fifty dollar nightgown and waited for him. I look back now and am yelling and throwing hard object at myself.

So you know what stayed dormant this weekend? Besides my pent up feelings? His VDay card, his VDay present, and the oil and lotion I bought from PleasureChest. I got on the train this afternoon and started to cry (not the first time). I've reached my breaking point. I love him but I he's not the same guy that uses to dip me and kiss me randomly when we were first dating. I know relationships change, but instead of growing...ours is in a downward spiral. He used to be in the drivers' seat and me, happily next to him. And now, no ones watching the road.

Spoiled Schedules

I've been realizing more and more that I've been a tad spoiled in my relationship by being able to see him every day at work. Seeing him first thing in the morning before I even finished my first cup of coffee became a nice routine. Having mid afternoon cookies left at my desk each day became an expected surprise. Checking in with him on my way out of the office was procedure.

And of course now things have changed. My company has moved to a new building but my department's portion isn't done being constructed so we're in a temp facility. So since we are now 20 blocks away from each other during the week, I don't get cookies or morning kisses. I'm such a winey complainer, I know. There are more important things going on in the world. But seriously, those little yellow Starbucks cookies are amazing- like little tiny pieces of fluffy clouds.

So I guess the problem is now we have to work to see each other outside of work. And our schedules have been polar opposites lately, so it hasn't been exactly a consistent schedule. We still have the weekends in LI thank goodness. I love having a break from the city and just bumming around with him. I dunno..since this is my first real relationship I guess I don't know what the average normal, time spending schedule is...should I be happy with weekends and a dinner during the week? Or push for more us time?

Dear Diary from May 16, 2007

"Okay, I've met:

the emotionally damaged South Bostonian,

the horny aggressive Jew,

the shy older pizza delivery guy,

the emotionally vain actor,

the insincere senior,

the cheats on girlfriend drummer,

the out of towner Irish man,
the out of towner surfer Virginia Beacher,

the tequila drinking one night only Italian architect,
the horny aggressive iBanking Jew,

the just want to be friends emo guy,

the sensitive southern guitar player,
the i can't be sober when I'm with you long islander,

the horny mother's boy blind date jew,
the i'm different from the others film crew guy,

the i may or might not be single T.A,

the sarcastic flirting is a sign of verbal abuse

but there's something about your smile coworker,

the great date but won't call you ever again cameraman,

the i only find your number at 2am trust funder,
AND the I'm not gay six-appletini flight attendant,

All I'm asking for is to meet a guy

whose not gay,

who isn't from out of town,

who doesn't want a fling,

who doesn't have a girlfriend,

whose not a coworker,

who can legally drink and

who can buy me a beer, tell me I'm pretty, pick up the fucking phone

and call me the next day."