I emailed him towards the end of work today, making a sly comment about something, after that we had some exchanges in emails. No big deal, just jokes. First contact since last week. We end up, leaving the floor at the same time and are at the office with a few other coworkers. He asks me, if I'd like to join them out for a drink. Another coworker pressured me and I said yes. So we left. We got to the first bar, and he bought everyones first round, talked a few minutes, as I quickly pushed myself to talk and not get quiet under nerves. After ten minutes he rotated.
I need to mention that tonight is the night before his birthday. The past two years he's had parties out at bars and I haven't heard anything...I worry that
A I haven't been invited or
B Tonight was his shared bday party and totally underplayed.
After one round at the bar, we went to another bar. Where his BBF/coworker and his wife are at with shocker- more coworkers who I all know. The BBF and wife seem surprised to see me. We talk quickly, mostly about Lost. He rotates around. I talk to coworkers for awhile. It gets to a point where I get bored and antsy and don't see him. And think, he either left or he's on another part of the bar.
Either way, clearly not focused on me. Quick re-eyeliner and gloss bathroom trip and I'm half on my way out out, when I see him at the front of the bar.
He's there, in the middle of a group of people. I go to him and tell him I'm leaving. He says 'It's nice to see me' as he gives me a hug and squeeze. He's been drinking. I nod and say 'If I don't see you, happy birthday." Even though...I'll see him tomorrow.
I go outside, get a taxi and cry.
I explained all this to a guy friend and he said I couldn't expect the attention to be on me at all because it is the night before his bday and the attention was on him. I shouldn't take it personally. And I'm expecting too much too fast.
I told him to f-off, because, I'm tired of letting things just happen, I know what I want- and I know how to go after it. So don't call me naive, when I say...I'll end up with him. My feelings, my desire, everything I feel is real, I'm not about to let it go because we got lost the first go around.
It's not over. I'll push on, and I'll be damned if I just sit back and watch, as I lose him. In this situation, when he's this close, and this familiar, I refuse to lose him for the sake of convenience.