Sunday, July 24, 2011

How I Left Things

So! That chapter is officially closed and I couldn’t have planned it any better. I left with high reviews all around and HR telling me if the next job sucks then I can come back.

Thursday night I had my going out party and I was a little disappointed. My favorite guys didn’t make it out (ahem mg). But apologized via text and in person the next day. I got good and drunk and left the last bar with the intern. (dun dun dun)

I must be growing up because though he tried holding my hand and making an awkward move, I didn’t hook up with him. I got a little depressed actually...realizing that it was the night before my last day of work and I was with the intern I’ve known only a few weeks. This is whose left standing with me? It just didn’t feel right. I walked home alone and cried the second I got there. That much anticipated meltdown that my mother foresaw came true. I felt better after getting a good cry out though.

The next morning, though I had a headache and had to explain my Irish exit to a few people, I was more or less calm about leaving. I got a little emotional as I packed up my desk and turned in my laptop. But luckily I held back the tears in front of IT. I ended up getting drinks with ALL of those guys (including the ex and mg) after work. It wasn’t planned and it was perfect. I was in my element.

With my boys, blue moon and geek talk.

At the end it felt like more of a ‘see you later’ then a ‘goodbye’, which is exactly what I wanted.

And more deets on the guys of course:

MG... gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek as our night rolled to a close. We had just spent the last several hours laughing and drinking and flirting like we had months ago. And I felt fabulous and I think he picked up on my fabulousness.

We pulled away and I simply said ‘Well, you have my number.’ and he smiled and said he’d call and that he always liked playing beer with me. So whether anything happens or not, at least for now that scenario is in ellipsis mode.

As far as the ex...he gave me a Starbucks gift card and a cookie that morning. Inside he wrote ‘Good luck, but you don’t need it. Remember the little people when you become head of production.’

And suddenly, just like that, the wall between us was lifted and I went over to him. I said thank you and then gave him his own card which I had hand written a week before. Inside it said ‘Thank you for always being supportive of me over the years, whether it was close or from a distance, I always appreciated it.’

I wanted to tell him that he can call me if he wants. I don’t need the wall anymore. But I didn’t need to cause then he invited me out for those goodbye drinks. And even though I still don’t trust him, I feel good knowing that he has my back.

He’s still a member of team D even though in a different way. And I guess as exes go, that’s an ok place to be. I stopped hating him and I realized I didn’t need him to be a part of my life. All that from a Starbucks cookie, I know.

At the end of the night I took ‘EVIL’ out from his name in my cell phone contacts. What can I say? I’m moving on with a different, stronger part of me and that baggage ain’t coming with me.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Case of the Uglies

I’m not going to get a medal any time soon for being a good daughter. My stock went down this weekend while my mother was in town visiting.

We didn’t start off well when I missed the show we got tickets for because of work. The following night I got out of work late and couldn’t fully turn off through shabbat services or dinner after. Bad daughter and bad Jew.

This morning started off ok and I use that term lightly. She met me by my apartment with coffee and bagels. She got offended when I wouldn’t eat one of the bagels.

We got pedicures which may have been the best part of the day. We each splurged and got the ten minute foot massage added on. Next we went shopping and she got sucked into the store and ended up staying there almost an hour more while I chain smoked outside. Next we ate and got a drink. I wish we got another round.

I tried explaining the stress I feel due to being so focused on my future and how I’ve been stuck in my head a lot recently. Not being able to relax in the present. Feeling ups and downs in this transition between jobs that I can’t fully figure out. Hence the chain smoking.

I tried explaining I’m nervous about being emotionally closed off and not having the marriage or baby gene. And how I have no interest in dating. I tried explaining that these are actual concerns of mine and I fear that my heart is at the end of a maze somewhere that I can’t find. She waved my concerns away and said I was just being young.

My wall stayed up all day with her. I was defensive and snappy. And I’m not PMSing. I challenged her on everything she said, from the name of an actor in a movie to the hat she wore. I wasn’t grateful for her coming and didn’t thank her for making me jello or cleaning my dresser. We’re normally Besties and today I treated her horribly. I couldn’t stop the words coming out of my mouth or push down the knots in my neck.

The night ended after the movies and we were both quiet. I was soaking up the peaceful, warm city walk when she asked me what I was thinking about. I said, I was thinking about how nice and quiet it was. She took that to mean that I was reveling in her not talking. She got angry and said if she knew she was going to stress me out so much she wouldn’t have come. I tried explaining that it wasn’t her but she stormed off.

She was done with me.

All she wanted was to spend time with me but I couldn’t get that part of me out. The worse part is that I know she needed this weekend. She has her own shit going on and I needed to be a support for her. We needed to laugh and be Besties. But my mind was too jumbled to get there when she needed me and as a result she couldn’t stand to be around me. She was right to walk away. I would’ve done the same thing.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Surprise Me

You know what’s great? Fan-fucking-tastic even? The ability to go away for a weekend and laugh about getting angry drunk off of too much tequila (ahem, and beer, and vodka) and yelling at a guy for telling you that you’re too old to bar make out.

What’s better? During that same weekend reaching your goal of buying a fabulous obnoxiously big floppy summer hat, spending hours in book stores with your new best friend and napping without guilt.

I can top it...the ability to surprise yourself when you don’t know that you needed to.

Like giving your notice to a company after three years, that is begging you to stay. But you know you’re making the right decision to leave.

Suddenly, I stand in the hallways at work and get flashbacks to the fall of senior year of high school. Suddenly, I'm ready to see a different set of leaves change color and leave these ones behind.

Always leave them wanting more, my mother says. Which really can be applied in and outside the bedroom. For me though, it seems to work better out rather then in with the men.

I gave my notice today to take on a job that I wasn’t looking for. It may be the biggest, most intimidating challenge and yet the most risky, necessary step I could’ve taken at 26.

I mean, my company is clearly running low on quirky men who want me so it’s time to shuffle along anyway. (pause for laughs)

My father says this is the most excited I’ve sounded in ten years and the money doesn’t hurt either. My mother says well at least you won’t see the old BF anymore. So really, it’s a win win from both parties.

This is where I will grow. Whether I succeed in it or fail out of it. This next step is mine and it’s sculpting me more as an adult. Why I’ve never felt more adult? Because instead of letting the fear of the unknown halt my next move, I’m letting it push the adrenaline through me. I’m accepting the fear and that failing big is a part of life.

I’m the girl who told the guy she loved she wasn’t happy, the girl who kissed her crush, the girl who demanded a challenge when she was bored at work, and now I’m the girl whose rocking her own boat to see what’s next.

Next chapter please. I’m ready.