I’m not going to get a medal any time soon for being a good daughter. My stock went down this weekend while my mother was in town visiting.
We didn’t start off well when I missed the show we got tickets for because of work. The following night I got out of work late and couldn’t fully turn off through shabbat services or dinner after. Bad daughter and bad Jew.
This morning started off ok and I use that term lightly. She met me by my apartment with coffee and bagels. She got offended when I wouldn’t eat one of the bagels.
We got pedicures which may have been the best part of the day. We each splurged and got the ten minute foot massage added on. Next we went shopping and she got sucked into the store and ended up staying there almost an hour more while I chain smoked outside. Next we ate and got a drink. I wish we got another round.
I tried explaining the stress I feel due to being so focused on my future and how I’ve been stuck in my head a lot recently. Not being able to relax in the present. Feeling ups and downs in this transition between jobs that I can’t fully figure out. Hence the chain smoking.
I tried explaining I’m nervous about being emotionally closed off and not having the marriage or baby gene. And how I have no interest in dating. I tried explaining that these are actual concerns of mine and I fear that my heart is at the end of a maze somewhere that I can’t find. She waved my concerns away and said I was just being young.
My wall stayed up all day with her. I was defensive and snappy. And I’m not PMSing. I challenged her on everything she said, from the name of an actor in a movie to the hat she wore. I wasn’t grateful for her coming and didn’t thank her for making me jello or cleaning my dresser. We’re normally Besties and today I treated her horribly. I couldn’t stop the words coming out of my mouth or push down the knots in my neck.
The night ended after the movies and we were both quiet. I was soaking up the peaceful, warm city walk when she asked me what I was thinking about. I said, I was thinking about how nice and quiet it was. She took that to mean that I was reveling in her not talking. She got angry and said if she knew she was going to stress me out so much she wouldn’t have come. I tried explaining that it wasn’t her but she stormed off.
She was done with me.
All she wanted was to spend time with me but I couldn’t get that part of me out. The worse part is that I know she needed this weekend. She has her own shit going on and I needed to be a support for her. We needed to laugh and be Besties. But my mind was too jumbled to get there when she needed me and as a result she couldn’t stand to be around me. She was right to walk away. I would’ve done the same thing.