Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Hyper Sensitive

(deep exhale) So maybe it's just me, (since I'm the one who comes back and feels like I'm in a changed relationship) who has been over analytical and lonely recently. I've been filling up my calendar as best as I can, and really compared to the end of 09, I'm doing a great job. I've been going to JNF events, meeting friends for dinner, even going to the gym during peak night hours. I've been a 'yes to plan post work' kind of girl, because work has been semi slow. For me. The BF's schedule has gone from bad to worse and if you know anything about dating a workaholic, you know what it's like to have a relationship outside of a unpredictable work schedule- CUE someone saying "well that's advertising for ya' plus, an eye roll.

And yes, I've talked to him. I'm trying to find that balance of support and pushing where I can't gage yet how he needs me. Should I push him more to update his resume or push him more to ask for a promotion? Either way I find I never know whether he's looking for my support in quitting or moving up. Either way he complains and is quite unhappy. He says he's gained weight (yes, but I don't mind) he says he doesn't feel like himself, he says he feels like a robot. Not. Good. Things.

I've told him that work is important and I respect that, but it isn't everything. I still don't think he gets it. The big picture. It's not about money or a pat on your back from your boss. It's about another kind of fulfillment that can only be compared to a cheap, spontaneous piece of warm apple pie. It's small, and it's out of nowhere, but it makes you feel less lonely and you enjoy every second without thinking of the past or future.

I respect his life style but that doesn't mean I understand it. He's been living in the same apartment and job schedule for over ten years. I watch as he puts his key in his apartment door and sometimes all I can think is : ten've been doing this for ten years. The same key, in the same door. He thinks about more, he's human so he questions and critiques. I just don't know what he wants at this point. To be cliche and to put myself a's not about the girl. He's so far away from figuring out where he wants to be and who, just on his own without the female factor- that I can't take the next decision personally, though I know, it'll suck if it turns out bad for me.

Tonight he asked me out for a late drink while he was getting off work. I showered from the gym and met him. Thinking along the way, I only went ten blocks but would've met him half way to Jersey just to see him = whipped. It's true. The time I have with him, I value now because I feel like so much has been taken away with his work schedule.

While he was walking me home he said I was being hyper sensitive. I had beer for dinner, so immediately laughed and agreed to whatever we were talking about. And admit to had being called that prior. In hindsight I wish I said a big fuck you- it would've felt so great. He knows my parents are going through a 30 year separation. And I just found out- though we had both had beer for dinner, you woulda thought that while I still process what is going on in my family life, he attempts to give me a little reassurance and a little less last minute critique. I know, I'm being sensitive- but after your parents splits up and start dating other people, wouldn't you need a little extra mental satisfaction from the guy you've been dating the last 10.5 months???

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