So last Thursday night we go out to dinner, and we're both too quiet and serious and letting the damn Olympics and the food on our plates entertain us and drive the conversation. By the time he lets me out of the taxi before going to the train station, I blurt out that we needed to talk. I told him I wasn't happy, and he's not the same guy I knew. We don't laugh or joke or play and there's something wrong and I don't know how to fix it. He agreed and didn't argue back. He said let's take the weekend to think about things.
Friday night I drink my body weight in PetronXO. Saturday I slept on the couch and stayed in the next night, due to dehydration and Mexican induced food coma. Via text we agreed to meet the next day. He got right into it when we met at the Starbucks next to my apartment- he said he thinks we need a clean break and time apart. He needs time to get his shit together. He can't be in a relationship right now, it's not fair to me because he can't give me the attention or support I need. He explained that he wants to hang out but he can't be in a relationship with me right now.
He didn't say these things lightly, nor did I take them that way. I got back to my apartment and cried the rest of the day and night. The next day at work I saw him, of course- and I had to shove earphones in my ears and bite my tongue all day to stop myself from crying. I was shaky and on edge all day. The second I stepped out of the building at the end of the day, I started to cry. And that's what my week has been like. I bought a pack of cigarettes and have been chain smoking while I walk.
It happened fast too...gradually then suddenly. It's like I knew things weren't working but I didn't actually let my mind accept that we'd break up or take a break. Or whatever the hell we're doing now. He said he didn't want any lingering questions, but I have questions, like is this fucking working for him? Because I know I was frustrated before but this feels like a gun shot to the gut. Well, heart actually.
I've been with him a year and now I'm trying to figure out how the hell I filled out my time before him. I'm thinking about him the same amount but it's like he's just out of my life. In and now out. Like a fucking magic trick.
My boyfriend of like 10 months hasn't said it to me either, although I did get it in a card once. And we do throw around the "If you love me, you'll do this." I've convinced myself it's the same thing for fear of "He's Just Not That Into You" coming to murder me in my sleep.
ReplyDelete