Thursday, December 9, 2010

Just Stand Up

Does the heart open and then close before it breaks? Do I spend weeks floating on air before I realize I’m crashing? Do I beg for change when all I really want is his body to hold me close like before everything changed?

Is your first love always there accept that love exists again? Am I going to be hard, and broken and alone, until... I fully shut him out and let myself live alone. Will he one day stop looking at me, touching me, like he used to. God. Why did I fall for the nice guy? It could be worse. I know, my breakup could’ve been more of a heart break. But it would’ve been nice if the break was less nice and more bitter then sweet. It would’ve made breaking from him, easier for my heart.

I saw someone kiss him tonight. And maybe he kissed her back. But she kissed him again. And I was standing there, in that moment. Wanting to be anyone else. Not wanting to see any of it. Wanting, to be a part of anything else.

It’s a slow, easy, friendly torture, to be friends with your ex.

One kind of torture that I can flirt with out of boredom, out of slight, silly hope. But not out of reality.

To him-

You know how you’re friends with your exes. and you stay in touch and you know whose a swinger and whose having a kid.

well that’s not going to be me.

im never going to be friends like that. because i’ll always be waiting for you to want more. and that's all i really need to say. for me.

1 comment:

  1. D I know you got a promotion in that office but I really think next years should revolve around finding a new job and removing him from your life.

    It is not good for you. I really think you need to get away. You might not ever be able to remove these thoughts from your head otherwise. Trust me.