I need to remind myself for the millionth time that I shouldn’t drink and blog. Emotional, dramatic jibberish comes out. I’ve been falling back into bad routines with some drunk crying while out. Luckily, it’s only been in front of my bbf E whose known me since my first bowl haircut in the first grade.
I’ve been working on staying focused and strong at work and that’s been translating to emotionless and distant in my personal life.
Hence the continuous physical-only relationship with the Brit and the guy friend hookup over Thanksgiving. I tell myself that I don’t want a relationship, I don’t want to be dating right now or sitting across from a stranger telling my life story. I want to coast into 2011 with as little small talk as possible.
And hence the gradual pushing away of all friends who have an inch of drama in their life. I refuse to sit across from someone as they dump on me their boy troubles. Most of them are the cause themselves- stuck in bad relationships because they’re too afraid to be alone. If it’s one thing my mother has taught me it’s that it’s better to be alone then with the wrong guy. In either case, you may be unhappy and occasionally eat a container of Cool Whip, but at least you’ll be in control solo.
Have I become guarded and slightly bitter after a long year of seeing my own relationship and a dozen others fall apart? Am I pushing friends and potential interests aside to protect myself and save emotional energy that’s already hovering on empty? Am I maybe hitting the spiked eggnog a little much and shutting out holiday cheer?
Yes, yes and yeah.
What can I say? At this point, being self absorbed is a tactical survival method that I need in order to get to 2011. After that, well- I’m hoping the cynical fog will lift a little and we’ll see what I have left in front of me besides my blackberry and new knee high boots.