Living For Me

Ok. Most important news is that I’m obsessed with the singer Ida Maria. Check her out ASAP and thank me later. I can’t stop listening to her CD and I immediately want to sing her music in karaoke. I’m sure my performance will be an insult to her but it’ll be a blast. She reminds me of Rachel Yamagata meets Florence and The Machine. I’m seeing Miike Snow this week, finally! I’ve been wanting to see them for a few years now.

I’ve officially moved in with my guy roommate, who I’ve known two years. We live in this 2 bedroom place that I can barely afford on the 20th floor, facing the east river. Waking up to that view everyday...well I don’t mind paying and still living paycheck to paycheck. I’ve waited a long time to live in a nice place that feels like my own. It’s not some dusty re-used craigslist apartment that I can’t spread myself out in. For the first time since I was 14, I feel like I’m not living in a dorm. My medicine is actually IN my medicine cabinet. Do you know how amazing that is?

When I tried to explain that to my roomie, he shrugged and just said ‘So, my stuff is in there too.’

I have a shelf in the closet just for scarves and linens and umbrellas. They aren’t shoved in a corner somewhere. They are organized and neat. It’s freakin amazing.

The choices I've been making recently have just been for and about me. What I really want and what feels good. No overanalyzing or making a pro/con list. I'm going for what makes me feel like me and actually really happy. No 5 year plan, and no getting stuck in the past. I've given myself a break. A perm vacation from trying to figure it all out right now. No more losing sleep over the things I can't control.

Couple things have been happening since I found this balance in my own life. I’m noticing how sucky and drama filled my friends lives are and have no tolerance in listening to them complain anymore. I have no tolerance for nodding my head and telling them what they want to hear, just so they can feel better about their decisions.

Examples:

My friend C, broke her lease in her apartment because she thought the apartment had bed bugs (never confirmed) and when she didn’t hear from the landlord right away she put a stop of her rent check and moved out over the weekend. Why she didn’t call an exterminator, I don’t know. Also her on/off again BF (told her awhile ago he doesn’t want that label) dumped her again. And she spent all of her savings on buying new, bed bug free furniture so now she has no money to go out. She invited me to come over and help put her new furniture together. My immediate answer was no, but I suppose I should suck it up and spend an afternoon helping her out even though I vowed to never help friends move/build things.

My friend L (the chihuahua) showed me her new eye glasses at work today. They’re these large cat-like vintage frames. I laughed when I saw them and when she asked if I like them, a loud No came out of my mouth. She called me a bitch but I didn’t apologize for it. It actually felt pretty damn good to say what I thought instead of squeaking out a ‘they’re very you/different/look great’.

I’m doing a lot less apologizing these days and ignoring the negative, shitty drama that comes in excess my way most of the time as I get stomped on. I’m emptying out the bad and for the first time, in a long time- deciding what I want to let in.

Only good stuff if I can help it. I’ll take this control and balance for as long as I can. We all know that it’s not going to last. As my dad says ‘Enjoy the good while it comes, but just know that while it’s here- there’s a pile of shit somewhere with your name on it.’

P.S. I shacked up with the Brit again last weekend. Did I mention that I’m REALLY enjoying this living for me in the moment phase I’m going through right now?

(big smile)