Rocks, Me and Hard Places

Truths are harder to deal with then the lies we create for ourselves in order to feel more comfortable. Why is it that facing issues is so difficult? I’ve become a master at these lies. I have a layer thinly spread around myself that shields me. I tell friends what they want to hear when they’re dumping drama on me, I tell coworkers what they want to hear when they’re stressed out, I tell family members what they want to hear so they don’t worry about me. I stay in my light sing-songy voice and smile better than Mona Lisa.

But there are more and more signs, showing that the truths are coming to ahead.

Change is in the air.

Case and point: during a lunch break with L today I slipped and said ‘I can’t stay with this damn job anymore. I go to work just to be emotionally and financially a$s raped by the company’

She stared at me in shock for about five minutes and then asked me if I thought she had lost weight.

Before that I was telling her about a job offer I got to be an assistant on a talk show located one state over. I am absolutely thrilled to get a job offer in this economy and to work on a show again makes me so happy! And they want me to start right away!!

But wait, there are downsides- the work week is Wednesday-Monday, roughly 65 hours a week. I’d make overtime. But hello- my life would become my work, my work would become my life.

I’m not worried about not knowing anyone. I make friends quite easily.

I’m not worried about the commute. Worse case scenario, I move out there.

I’m excited and finally ready, to start a new chapter in my life. A new adventure and focus.

But I’m worried about losing my weekends and become detached from a balanced life. There are things that are ME-things that I do on the weekends. My book club and spin class and volunteer work. Oh, and brunch! I wouldn’t be able to brunch!

These are things that I cherish and value and need. And I don’t think I can give up, even if that means not yet starting my much needed adventure and change.

Am I silly to turn down a job because I like to brunch on Sundays?

Or am I just telling myself another lie by saying I should take what’s in front of me and learn to adapt?

If others can do this schedule then why not me?

Is this the change I’ve been looking for to help me grow or will it only end up shutting me down in insolation?

If I feel like I have nothing to lose and should go for it, then why do I feel like I still have things to give up?

In this journey to fill the ME, should I fight even harder to hang on to the little things that define me and not settle them for a job that just isn’t right for me? Or is taking a risk a part of learning about my limits? My head says one thing and my gut says another.