Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Last week when my friend V was still staying with me we decided to see a psychic. We each went in one at a time and handed over the $10 for the special reading. I went in first. The woman immediately mentioned two things- I'm smiling but I'm not happy. My mind is scattered.

She went on to say that I know how to hide my sadness well. And my mind has been having trouble focusing. She said I'm in a job that is fine, but I know that I want to be somewhere else, doing something more fulfilling. She said there's a guy in my life who I care about a great deal but we have trust and communication problems. She said he feels everything that I'm feeling but there's negative energy that is disturbing our communication.

It's all true. I leave work everyday and I have this deep empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that I don't think any amount of therapy can fill. I know I should be somewhere else, doing something else. Living somewhere else- different neighborhood, different city? My gut feeling is that I know what's missing (ahem, him) and my life has been off balance and not the same since we ended the relationship. Like a part of me is just floating and I don't know how to tie it back down.

One day I'll want to pack up and just leave and move to Prague or Chicago. The next, I'll simply want to move 20 blocks downtown. One day I'll want to be in a nonprofit organization and the next I'll want to be a producer with an upgraded blackberry. One day I'll want to tell my old BF I love him still and know we should be together, the next I get angry just looking at him for abandoning me.

Being in the work environment is ruining any chance of a connection or friendship with him. It's all superficial and fake. And I get nervous and angry and sad thinking about how close he is and yet I have to play this role at work where I act like I'm fine with everything.

Couple things I know for sure, and so apparently does the psychic. I need to get out. I need to get out of my job, out of my apartment. I need to talk to my old boyfriend. I need to tie myself back together again and also stop chain smoking. Where did that old bad habit come from??


  1. Moving somewhere solo is very, very liberating. Not only do you get to be the narrator in your choose your own adventure book, you get to start fresh. New friends, new hangouts, new dating pool, and new you (if that's what makes you happy). Maybe it's not him...maybe it's the absence of any"him"and you're not far enough removed to see that yet.

    Maybe something less drastic, like a week-long new city tour might help. ;)

  2. I agree a change would do you good but don't do too much at once. I think a new job might be the best start...and stop the smoking.