Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Him Who?

Well after a night of eating my own body weight in delivery diner food, I physically feel less than stellar even after going to Spin class at 7AM. I apparently really like to out do my big accomplishments.

We all know I’m in the middle of transition- finding new job, new apartment. This is a given. Needless to say, with Saturday night included, my libido is on hold and I’m just focusing on numero uno.

After a day of ignoring the old boyfriend and focusing on work AKA a day that ends in Y, I go out to see the Scissor Sisters with L. By the way, I’m sure I’ve mentioned she’s more dramatic than a chihuahua and is the old boyfriend’s semi assistant. So if I’m not hearing about what the old boyfriend thinks about L’s newest drama, I’m hearing about the old boyfriend dealing with work drama.

I suck it up, and deal and listen. And smile and nod, and ignore the punches I feel each time I hear his name.

All I can think is, I don’t know who this man is anymore. I mean, I clearly know the obvious, general outline after having spent over a year with him. But he’s different now and we somehow (thankfully?) stopped being friends awhile ago. Now I look at him and I’ve reached some kind of turning point.

Though I’ll always wish for him to wake up and be the man he was. The man who was in love with me for a brief sparkling, dipping moment, I know that the man he was is gone. The man I fell for, is gone. Sucked up into his own ego and self pity and confusion. I’ve seen him recently, obviously, around the office, but unable to speak more than a few words before real emotions set in- and all I want to know is- is he okay?

The turning point- where the self satisfying emotions have dwindled for a moment, and you’re able to clearly see you’re ex and take a mental note. I see him now. He’s gained weight, never smiles and looks to have aged 10 years over night. He jokes about being an alcoholic and if/when he gets married/has kids. His eyes don’t twinkle. And at first, months ago- I thought it was me, adding pressure to his life and begging for a relationship he didn’t know how to be in. Now months later, and he’s the same tired, distant man.

All I want to do is ask ‘Are you okay?’

Not for the sake of me, I promise you- this time, it’s for him.


  1. You're not the same person you used to be either. Only you moved up, not down. :)

  2. Let his friends and relatives put their efforts into him, it is not your place to worry. It will just slow you down.

  3. Well said. Isn't amazing though when you can see the situation (finally) for what it is.

    Your post is so on point with my mentality and I post I wrote earlier today on how time breeds clarity in the wonderful, not-always-whimsicle world of dating.