I had planned to take today off from work weeks ago, a just ‘because’ day. And it’s ironic that I did need today to gather myself from Saturday night's disaster. I woke up, again feeling numb and empty. I wanted to stay in bed all day. I had nothing planned. My biggest item to do- was getting coffee.
Then I told myself to put both my feet on the ground and realized how great a how shower would feel. My body still felt dehydrated from crying and drinking the last couple days, so being surrounded by moisture felt good.
Then I did a bunch of little things. I went to the book store (okay two). I went clothes shopping. I bought a new bookcase and put it together myself.I talked on the phone with a friend whose really pushing me to fulfill my desire to teach abroad.I bought a fuzzy seat cover for my toilet. I looked at sublets downtown online. I had matzoh ball soup for dinner. I'm realizing now, I spent way too much money today. Sheesh!
And now I get ready for bed and my gym bag is all packed for the morning. I know what I have to deal with tomorrow- getting a new blackberry, making it through the work day, and then a coworkers going away party which he’ll surely attend.
And I feel...I don’t know what it is. Calm? Less anxious? Not the need for a nap and a cigarette? And I really don’t think I’m trying to convince myself of this and actually believe, when I say- somehow just in the past day, I think I’ve accepted my old boyfriend as something in the past. I’ve slightly slipped to the front again to become the main focus in my life.
I’ve looked at my reflection and agreed that things are sucky all around, from job to family to friends. But I’m throwing down a challenge to myself- and I ask back to my swollen, puffy eyes, What are you going to do about it?
For the last six months (ugh, at least) I’ve been feeling one way. And now I choose to not feel that way. I’m mentally shelving my old boyfriend and cutting the string between us that I tied so tight with optimism. I choose to make changes, baby steps at first-- then don’t hold back. If I can quote Bridget Jones real quick.
“No. I will not be defeated by a bad man and an American insect. I choose not. Instead...I choose vodka....and Chaka Khan.”
And now I get ready for bed and my gym bag is all packed for the morning. I know what I have to deal with tomorrow- getting a new blackberry, making it through the work day, and then a coworkers going away party which he’ll surely attend.
And I feel...I don’t know what it is. Calm? Less anxious? Not the need for a nap and a cigarette? And I really don’t think I’m trying to convince myself of this and actually believe, when I say- somehow just in the past day, I think I’ve accepted my old boyfriend as something in the past. I’ve slightly slipped to the front again to become the main focus in my life.
I’ve looked at my reflection and agreed that things are sucky all around, from job to family to friends. But I’m throwing down a challenge to myself- and I ask back to my swollen, puffy eyes, What are you going to do about it?
For the last six months (ugh, at least) I’ve been feeling one way. And now I choose to not feel that way. I’m mentally shelving my old boyfriend and cutting the string between us that I tied so tight with optimism. I choose to make changes, baby steps at first-- then don’t hold back. If I can quote Bridget Jones real quick.
“No. I will not be defeated by a bad man and an American insect. I choose not. Instead...I choose vodka....and Chaka Khan.”
And since I really don't drink vodka all that much anymore, I made an appointment with my therapist just as backup.
I am SO PROUD of you. Look at you bein' all healthy! It was entirely okay to spend that much money yesterday. You needed to. You made positive steps and did things for you!
ReplyDeleteKeep writing. I think that's important. Let it out. There are going to be good days and bad days and that's okay. Even dear Bridget had her slip ups. Be easy on yourself and most importantly forgive yourself.
I did therapy for a year and I think it helped. Of course, you living in NY, I think therapy is about as common as happy hour. :)
I totally get the friends thing. If you ever want to talk, e-mail me or I'll send you my phone number.
Sarah is right, be proud, expect some slips but don't forget you are moving forward. Therapy is always a good thing and so is that book.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about the money you spent it sounds like a good cause to me.
Bravo! So happy to hear that you've passed that hurdle (even if you may have tripped over it, it's behind you now regardless).
ReplyDeleteWell wishes for your journey ahead!
Good for you! This is such a great step for you I think. I am in the same boat re: friends and family, but it will get better!
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