Be the Dragon

According to the Chinese, 2012 is the year of the dragon which symbolizes magic and power and according the Mayans 2012 is the year the world will end.

Whether everything changes or we end in fire or ice, here’s what I’m going after- (feel free to chime in)

Professionally:

By the summer transfer to a different team at work.

Make more friends at work- introduce myself to the group of 20 something yr. olds who play Ping Pong down the hall from my office, and get my name added to the scoreboard.

Fun:

Go to Vegas in February with only single girlfriends and let my mischievous side out.

Go to Chicago when the weather gets warmer and visit my best friend. I’ve been saying I’d visit since 2004, it’s dragon time.

Get kissed more often.

Get highlights, brown is so 2011.

Love:

Fall in love again.

Get on JDate. Seriously, it’s time and mom will never stop asking until I do it. Any suggestions on a good username would be helpful!

Family:

Visit family every six-eight weeks.

Make sure cousins and new niece, and upcoming new nephew know my name as they grow up. I’m tired of being the one who went to New York and only visits once a year.

Make solid attempt to fix Dad’s relationship with his brother.

Health:

Drink loads of water everyday.

Get to the gym as often as possible- this means in the AM before work like I used to. I liked my body better then- it’s time to get rid of those eight annoying pounds I’ve had all Fall.

Smile often.

Daily dance parties.

Girl with a Book

I never used to understand people in bars, sitting alone with a book. It never looked right. Like, we all see you, trying to read in a crowded bar surrounded by booze. What exactly are you doing?

Today I was that girl. My favorite coffee shop was full so I found a near empty bar serving food around the corner from it.

The bartender was charming and cute. But married. To a girl who he admitted, just needed a green card. When you read the book 'The Marriage Plot' in public, such interesting conversations happen with strangers.

A few hours later, I was fed and a few gin cocktails deep. I didn't know it was a 2 for 1 special but I was glad it was.

I was in the holiday spirit and didn't want to leave. The people around me welcomed me into their group as I paused from reading. There was a shot involved later. The bartender got busy.

I relaxed and let myself fall in love with the bartender just for those few hours.

I had one of those great afternoons where I felt like I could do anything I wanted. I was grateful for being so unattached.

It was early in the afternoon on a Sunday and I felt free.

Monday was so far away. I could sit and read by candle light with a drink next to me or make a new best friend.

I was satisfied with either.

Thirty dollars and 4 hours later I left fully tipsy and feeling good.

Leaving just as unattached as a arrived, but a lot more satisfied.

I'll admit a part of me was waiting for my next love to walk into the bar sometime in those hours I was sitting in Norm's corner.

Another part of me was just happy to leave with no ties.

Un Pause

I’ve been on hold for some time now, emotionally and according to the extra weight in my ass, physically.

I used some drama going on with my family to deter me from making any choices in my own life. My ability to mentally multi tast got a little derailed.

I unintentionally halted future plans and kept my walls up. I was in a constant emergency landing position. It took me months to realize it.

And finally it’s lifting. I’m learning how to throw my arms up and dance again.

I’m learning how to not feel guilty for just watching TV for six hours on a Sunday.

I’m learning that there’s a lot I can’t control but that doesn’t mean that I have no control.

I’m learning someone could spend their entire life trying to figure out the actions of their ex boyfriend but I don’t want to anymore. Short of him giving me the big gesture he’s done taking up space on this blog.

This is the last post about him.

This is called growth- he came out to a mutual friend’s birthday party last night. He met her at my party a week ago and I met her a few months ago. She’s my friend. I know what you’re thinking, he was interested in her. But he wasn’t. He barely talked to her.

He talked to me and bought me drinks. At one point I got pulled into the dance floor and danced with my new friends. He stayed back and started talking to a girl in the party. I stopped turning back to him and just nodded when he would get up to get refills for me. By the end of the night they exchanged numbers.

Later, we shared a taxi uptown and he started to get cranky and complain as he thought about Monday and the weekend being over. I smiled to myself because this was one of his traits that I never liked. He still had it. I didn’t miss it.

I dropped him off and the taxi took me to my apartment. By the time I got home I had a text from him ‘As always, it was good to see you.’ I smiled to myself because this was one of his traits that I did like. He still had it. I expected it.

This is called growth. I got home and didn’t cry. I didn’t feel like he holds the magical weight that could fill the love gap in my life. He may have it one day, but not now.

For now, I’m un-pausing myself and seeing who else can fill me up.

By the way, I’m so much prettier then that chick at the party was. What can I say, I can grow all I want, but that doesn’t mean I’m perfect.

New Love

I have amazing news that I don't think anyone could've prepared me for. I've heard warnings in the past but didn't fully believe them. I felt a love today that was completely originally. I had sent out vibes to the universe recently of needing a new love interest and it's been delivered.

(especially after make out #2 with the old bf on my birthday)

Ahem, what? Moving along...

It is so soft and genuine and caring and innocent. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. Stop time and fast forward. I had proof of life in my hands. Proof of magic and a bundle of love.

The proof I've been looking for, to restore my faith in the fact that there is something next. Even though, for me- I don't know what that next is. There is something 'other' besides occasional heartbreak and constant disappointment. There's potential.

And it's not easy. In short, it's mindblowing. To accept that what I held in my arms was full of so much. It was thinking and dreaming. It was scared and happy. It's 19 inches and at the beginning stages of life. I've never witnessed this before. And it's absolutely breathtaking, to the point where I'm elated and squeaky.

Though we may always need the occasional EX boyfriend to kiss us on our birthdays or random out of towner for a one night stand, or a deep long lasting crush that may never get returned- the true story of love begins with an inch of potential, an inch of life that only we can recognize.

I see that potential in her- an entire new beautiful force that can give and take, explode and destroy all the love she wants. And it's not terrifying and I don't want to analyze it, it's beautiful.

Today, I recognized and believed in 19 inches of that potential in my amazingly adorable first niece.

If you ever have the chance to witness a newborn joining us in this dizzy world, take it. You'll literally see, everything differently. And it will be lovely.

Pre birthday wish

It’s my birthday tomorrow, well in minutes. In previous years I’ve danced on bars, cried in bathrooms, worn a tiara, kissed a male flight attendant, ate with Ninjas and belly dancers. I take my birthday to be my own national holiday. I don't expect rose petals to be thrown in my path, but ya know, it would be nice. For one day- that's all I'm asking!

This year, I’m just telling people to meet me at a bar. Simple, low key. I feel like I have a Buffy birthday curse this year, just waiting for things to go wrong. Zombie attacks or something. I’ve been unfocused with stress from family and work. I’ve had little time to check in on myself but time to chain smoke again and lose sleep.

Keeping expectations low is a good idea, and drinking to a minimum. Okay, maybe just a mild medium amount...(said the kiss of death).

I’m not desperately eager for the new year to start like last year, nor am I needing a solo escape. This year, plain and simple I want to have a good night. I want one night of fun.

I've been too uneasy, stressed, and complacient recently. I've let things just happen without asking questions or a fight. I'm used to fighting and feeling good about battling, without it exhausting me.

I'm tired of fighting and thinking, for one night, I want the drinks bought for me...see, a tad simpler then sprinkled rose petals.

Whatever happens in the next year, love, heartbreak, success or failure, it'll happen to a stronger me.

And oy...guess who the midnight/happy bday text was just from? Yup. Some people just don't leave you alone. Well, it's good to have a fan.

Twenty-seven sure should be interesting.

Just In Case Someone Asks

“What do you want?”

His words came over me like thick smoke. I knew there was no middle ground and no compromise that could leave us both sane. It was either wanting a little and left feeling unsatisfied or asking for everything and left feeling unsatisfied. How do I ask for love again when I stopped believing in it? It had turned into a fairy tale. Can I just tell him that I want tonight?

Will he understand that I just want a moment of peace without it ending in a question. Can’t he just take me in his arms, smooth down the stress in my neck and in one movement just attach on to me. It may not be fair or smart but why not just be with each other now because it’s needed. I don’t need him to follow me into the next day or carry all my thoughts.

I want him to just hold me now as if we both believed in forever.

And if you really think about just wanting that, it's not scary and it's not too much, it's real and it's enough.

Headache

I need a vacation. Work has been slow, I haven’t shacked up with the Brit recently and I have a new obsession which gives me headaches and I lose sleep over:

Trying to come to my own terms with love/relationships/marriage etc.

I really am too much into the theme actually and probably need therapy. And can’t stop reading articles like this.

I find it all fascinating the way coupling is going these days.

I’m slowly starting to believe that marriage is unrealistic, as is long term love. To believe in those things means you’re negating the fact that we evolve as individuals and our needs change. I can’t buy into the idea that one person could take care of my emotional and physical needs for the rest of my life. I’m not willing to sign my name on a legal document for that. It just seems silly.

A recent conversation with an old high school friend went something like this:

me- so you've been married about a year right?

her- yes, last summer.

me- why get married now?

her- why not?

me- cause you're 26.

her- we just knew.

me- but you're 26.

(awkward pause/ end scene)

So I’ve realized that really we’re here to fall in love as many times as possible and to have babies. Marriage isn’t needed for either. Another thing we are here to do is to say yes to dessert as many times as possible. But that’s beside the point.

What I’m struggling with is accepting this new realistic idea without becoming cynical and jaded. An old coworker/college friend just got engaged. Sure, I ‘liked’ her facebook status but am I going to call her up and say congratulations? Probably not because she’ll be divorced in ten years. See how easily and quickly cynicism just slides right in?

Another example- via text my Ex asked me out for a drink to catch up. I haven't been reaching out to him for a few weeks and giving only a few word answers to his emails/texts.

This is making him worried. He thinks there's something wrong and he wants me to vent to him. I sware men are like puppies, it's amazing.

Though rum was involved the night of his text, I did write back-'No, you aren't my therapist.

I'm not going to bother you with my personal life'

He claimed that I wasn't a bother and reaffirmed that he was there for me if I needed him.

On my end, there was tequila involved after the rum so the text conversation ended after that. But of course I got a cat youtube video from him the next day. Seriously men- just, use your words!

Anywhoo, in short- I clearly have no idea what I want from him at this point so for my own sanity I'll continue to keep him at a distance. I need to see the Brit ASAP so I remember what it feels like to be a woman and a new crush would be great right now.

Pull Me Through

We were exiting out of coat check. I wasn't as drunk as I should have been. I did extra sake and extra tequila.

I should have been feeling better.

I thought back to the past few hours.

I had let go, didn’t I? For a few moments before having to pull back. A friend had scolded me quickly and said I had to pull myself back in. I was being too aggressive in my dancing space. I was being too obvious, she said, and I should calm down so I didn’t bang into people intentionally.

That is what I wanted though. I wanted to bang into them, so they shoved into me, and for one quick moment, I almost had an excuse to really let loose. I could bend my elbow back and really just snap forward. I was so close. I wanted to let it all out tonight. So close. But I held it in. Clearly I'm not burning enough calories in spin class and my agression is pleading.

I hate that I saw him tonight. I wasn’t drunk enough, though I tried really hard. Even after sake and tequila, he still manager to get into my head. I had been going out and battling the social scene for almost 2 years and tonight there he was.

In my desperate, foggy imagination, I pictured him standing in front of me. He was a barrier and protected me from the crowd. His hand slid towards mine and he brought me through the turmoil.

The fluorescent lights dimmed down and all I saw was him. And after a few minutes, I wasn’t sure it was him.

It was someone else leading me through the crowd, but no one from my vicinity. Once I realized that, I got a headache and sobered up. Who I was looking for, wasn't here at 2AM.

My friends asked what was wrong as they noticed my dazed look but I explained that I was tired.

Why now? I used to be so good at this. At just letting go and giving into the beats and the smog around me. Why did someone need to show up now?

I think I know why...and I wish I could control it more.

It’s getting colder. The holiday season is entrapping us. Whether I realize it sober or sleeping... this year, I need someone to lead me through the crowd sooner rather then later.

Open Mic

He kissed me again. The kind of kiss I had needed for weeks, without even realizing it. But a few moments later as he kissed me harder, there were tears running down my face. With each press of his lips on mine he was filling another inch of empty space that had been dug within me.

So many times I had silently hoped his face had turned and he’d pick me. He’d reach for me without hesitation and he’d admit, that everything he’d done and worked towards had solely been towards me.

Wouldn’t it be great, idyllic actually, if after all these years, I was what he needed.

The thoughts kept swarming forward and cramming onto each other. And he kept kissing me. His fingers pulled tighter to my hair and his hands rounded deeper over my skin. He was a drug I couldn’t say no to.

Keep going, was all I could think of, but didn’t say, give me more.

My mouth reached but my eyes kept pleading with tears.

Just say it. Please. Now is the time to say it. Those three words.

Wouldn’t it be nice if this was close to true?

The truth is my best friend came out with me tonight and witnessed the full interaction. After three years of me trying to explain it. She met him and saw the scene.

She asked: Is your Sir flirting in front of you?

I explained: he wasn’t mine.

She said: He seems to have these very unattractive women around him at all times. It’s kinda gross.

Me: I know. I consider them his fans. Lower, unattractive, stupid beings. I’m above them all, I explained.

Her: And yet he dotes on you...offering drinks and giving you compliments.

I had another sip of my beer, it is what it is. I said. I know what to expect. His behavior isn’t shocking. I know how to protect myself. He’s not going to change. This is it. Men don't change.

Her: So why do you bother coming out to his events?

Me: Because I’d rather take this then nothing. I’ll hang on to is friendship, his connection and contact, rather then nothing.

I'll explain it again, my mother saw one picture out of twenty five years of marraige to describe as being 'happy'.

If you thought you were close, at twenty-six, gravitating towards contentment- whether it was with an ex, karaoke, casual sex, a job, an old friend, fried food, bad TV, a good book,...wouldn't you just go to it without question? Wouldn't you just say yes and let the questions come later?

After all, we're only here this one quick time.

Why not just roll with it all.

Now Up To Date

No word from C since I texted him a week ago. He’s done. Thanks for the notch in my belt though. Overall Sir you get a B- you liked the same movies/ music I do, enjoyed beer as much as I do, and lasted at least 25 minutes in bed. Thanks for the triple crown that one night at your place!

The Brit texts/booty calls me once every few days. I had lady troubles last week so I should be itching to get into the sack with him but his apartment just feels too far away and I need to wash my sexy underwear. So that’s on hold.

The ex and I email/text almost every day. I’m seeing him tomorrow night at a panel event. I’m not overanalyzing this one folks...let me tell you:

It’s pretty simple, I want the comfort of a friend close by who knows me.

I was with my mother this weekend and we were going through old family albums. She found one picture and pointed to it ‘We were happy then.’ was all she said. The end of twenty-five years of marriage and she could only point to one picture in the whole book.

Like I said, I want the comfort of a friend close by who knows me. It’s as simple as that.

He’s in the present and right now, consistent. So I’m giving myself a pre holiday break and enjoying the friendship with no other assumptions or worries. Pain is inevitable, whether it’s now or in twenty-five years. So I’m dipping in and enjoying the now.

And don't worry, a friend is setting me up next week. Give me a little credit, I haven't let go of the reigns just yet.

Hope and Tricks

I’m feeling that pull towards cynicism again. It's a nightly battle and it’s yelling at me over and over again the same old shit that’s been polluting my head for years.

Maybe I can fight back if I watch more Disney movies and less zombie thrillers.

I texted C tonight:

I feel like this is slowing down. Do you still want to hang out with me?

Not exactly poetic I know, but there had been no effort on his part to see me again since our date last week. I was tired of wondering and doing all the work.

No answer, is my answer.

Here’s what I’ve accepted recently.

Men don’t change. Not after 2 dates and not after 25 years.

If he kisses bad now, he’ll kiss bad then.

If he texts you, he’ll never call.

If you feel any doubt now, well, you’re screwed overall.

I see what I want in front of me...but it’s in his eyes, with his words, but his looks and his touch.

I’ll take the smile from that day, with the kiss from that night, and the dance from then, but the midnight walk from over there.

I’ll get that feeling back again. The rush and giddiness that lasts more then a lunch break.

The men I have now in my life...are all too far away.

And their parts are too broken to turn into anything whole that I could ever want.

They show me just quick glimpses of the guys that could be worthy of me... as if they all are OK playing with half a deck, pretending it’s full.

The ex can’t open up.

C can’t communicate.

The Brit can’t keep his pants on.

Come on boys. I’m right here. And I’m amazing.

Tuck in your metaphorical balls and step up to the plate.

I deserve your full swing.

No matter what- no matter how many times one of them walks away, doesn’t say what I want to hear

or looks at me like I could be any one of ten girls.

I have proof though that a man can win me over and take down my walls.

He can make me feel more like me.

He can look me in the eyes and make every atom in my body tingle.

There’s proof, because it’s happened once. So now it’s science. It’s just a mathematical equation.

A tricky one apparently, that not even Matt Damon could figure out quickly, but it can be completed.

It can happen again, even after these 3 strikes.

Hell, even the movie Once is coming out with a sequel.

Wine + Beer + the ex

Alright, I know what you're thinking..and no, nothing scandalous happened.

I was looking forward to a night in with Chardonnay last night.

Much needed decompression was in order.

The ex texted me earlier in the day telling me he was going to be in my neighborhood for an old coworkers bday party.

I said 'have fun'. Then he said I should come meet him. I texted back and said maybe I'd be around later.

I wasn't about to throw in my Saturday night solo date for him.

I started relaxing and drinking. The bottle got lower. 11PM he texted me asking if I was going to come by. I turned off Lifetime, blasted some music and dressed as sexy casual as I could.

When I got to the bar I found him talking to another couple.

He introduced them to me as married friends from college. He introduced me to them, as an old coworker of his. Charming, right?

I stared at him for a few seconds and then he ordered me a beer.

We all talked and drank till about 2am when the other couple left.

It was around this time I realized I was drunk but still got another beer.

I ended up telling him about some family stuff going on.

I broke my own rule. I had always wanted to keep it light, keep him at a distance. Don't put my weight on to him.

I immediately changed the conversation. I was starting to slur.

Charming, I know.

I was at the point of drunkeness where I was only reacting to things happening and no longer connected to my thoughts. You know that point right?

When you get more quiet and less reckless. Reckless would've been three beers less and tequila.

I wanted to talk about the Whiskey incident but those words were somewhere in my beer.

He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He texted me later saying how good it was to see me. I didn't respond.

Don't worry. I'm not sucked in.

Sooner rather then later I'm going to close this chapter.

Another make out with him would be nice though.

That's all I want at this point.

But in the mean time, it's nice to get the free beer.

Tomorrow night, I see C. It's been 3.5 weeks.

That chapter will either close after tomorrow or be extended. Stay tuned.

Stepping Out

It looks like C is on his way out. It’s too bad cause I did like him.

The momentum has slowed down too much and he’s not stepping up to put any effort into seeing me.

I haven’t seen him in 2.5 weeks, since the Gala. He canceled our dinner date over a week ago because he was too hungover. We were supposed to meet up at the same industry part this week but he flaked. I texted him to have a nice weekend when he didn't show up.

He’s clearly lost interest in me (though he still has been texting to see how my day goes)

And I’m frankly losing interest in him. I’m too amazing to waste my time chasing.

I've memorized 'He's Just Not That Into You' so I don't really need to analyze this one too much. If he wanted to be with me after those 7 dates, then he would be.

A word for the Angel/Angelus guys out there- when you sleep with a girl like myself and lose interest, it really is fine. I'm a big girl and fully get the whole casual dating thing. I can write my own book on it. But next time, don't put the effort of 7 dates in and don't say yes to a black tie affair. I'd rather have saved the 50 bucks.

The EX emails/texts me every day. He invited me out for group drinks last night. I joined them after going to temple services. He was drunk.

More drunk then anyone else there. He stood out and no one really knew what to do. We still talked but not about anything that happened.

Our friendship is what it is at this point, until he decides to step up. See a pattern here?

I did get to catch up with the music guy though. So when the ex was too busy doing shots and swaying, I put my attentions on to him. We still make each other laugh and things have never been weird between us. He knows he can call me to hang out, but at this point again, if he was going to step up, he would've back in May.

And in other news...I shaked up with the Brit the night that C flaked out on me. We actually have a really fun time together but have never asked anything more from each other. Maybe he’s worth a shot at this point. We’ve been hooking up off and on for a year. Why not find out how he takes his coffee...and maybe his last name.

Groan/Grown

Seriously, how is it that even though I've had:

an adult sleepover with C (bowchikabowwow)

a fancy gala date with C (date #6)

...and I'm:

about to move offices

about to move apartments

getting my period

prepping for my dad coming into town

planning a baby shower

trying to ditch those pesky late summer lbs

I still can't get that damn kiss out of my head??

It's playing on repeat while I'm out to dinner with friends, sweating at spin,

chain smoking, packing up my apartment and even worse, before I go to bed.

It was just a kiss. Why can't I handle a kiss? Why must my Lifetime Movie brain start planning fucking Fall pumpkin picking weekend getaways?