Hope and Tricks

I’m feeling that pull towards cynicism again. It's a nightly battle and it’s yelling at me over and over again the same old shit that’s been polluting my head for years.

Maybe I can fight back if I watch more Disney movies and less zombie thrillers.

I texted C tonight:

I feel like this is slowing down. Do you still want to hang out with me?

Not exactly poetic I know, but there had been no effort on his part to see me again since our date last week. I was tired of wondering and doing all the work.

No answer, is my answer.

Here’s what I’ve accepted recently.

Men don’t change. Not after 2 dates and not after 25 years.

If he kisses bad now, he’ll kiss bad then.

If he texts you, he’ll never call.

If you feel any doubt now, well, you’re screwed overall.

I see what I want in front of me...but it’s in his eyes, with his words, but his looks and his touch.

I’ll take the smile from that day, with the kiss from that night, and the dance from then, but the midnight walk from over there.

I’ll get that feeling back again. The rush and giddiness that lasts more then a lunch break.

The men I have now in my life...are all too far away.

And their parts are too broken to turn into anything whole that I could ever want.

They show me just quick glimpses of the guys that could be worthy of me... as if they all are OK playing with half a deck, pretending it’s full.

The ex can’t open up.

C can’t communicate.

The Brit can’t keep his pants on.

Come on boys. I’m right here. And I’m amazing.

Tuck in your metaphorical balls and step up to the plate.

I deserve your full swing.

No matter what- no matter how many times one of them walks away, doesn’t say what I want to hear

or looks at me like I could be any one of ten girls.

I have proof though that a man can win me over and take down my walls.

He can make me feel more like me.

He can look me in the eyes and make every atom in my body tingle.

There’s proof, because it’s happened once. So now it’s science. It’s just a mathematical equation.

A tricky one apparently, that not even Matt Damon could figure out quickly, but it can be completed.

It can happen again, even after these 3 strikes.

Hell, even the movie Once is coming out with a sequel.