We were exiting out of coat check. I wasn't as drunk as I should have been. I did extra sake and extra tequila.
I should have been feeling better.
I thought back to the past few hours.
I had let go, didn’t I? For a few moments before having to pull back. A friend had scolded me quickly and said I had to pull myself back in. I was being too aggressive in my dancing space. I was being too obvious, she said, and I should calm down so I didn’t bang into people intentionally.
That is what I wanted though. I wanted to bang into them, so they shoved into me, and for one quick moment, I almost had an excuse to really let loose. I could bend my elbow back and really just snap forward. I was so close. I wanted to let it all out tonight. So close. But I held it in. Clearly I'm not burning enough calories in spin class and my agression is pleading.
I hate that I saw him tonight. I wasn’t drunk enough, though I tried really hard. Even after sake and tequila, he still manager to get into my head. I had been going out and battling the social scene for almost 2 years and tonight there he was.
In my desperate, foggy imagination, I pictured him standing in front of me. He was a barrier and protected me from the crowd. His hand slid towards mine and he brought me through the turmoil.
The fluorescent lights dimmed down and all I saw was him. And after a few minutes, I wasn’t sure it was him.
It was someone else leading me through the crowd, but no one from my vicinity. Once I realized that, I got a headache and sobered up. Who I was looking for, wasn't here at 2AM.
My friends asked what was wrong as they noticed my dazed look but I explained that I was tired.
Why now? I used to be so good at this. At just letting go and giving into the beats and the smog around me. Why did someone need to show up now?
I think I know why...and I wish I could control it more.
It’s getting colder. The holiday season is entrapping us. Whether I realize it sober or sleeping... this year, I need someone to lead me through the crowd sooner rather then later.