Headache

I need a vacation. Work has been slow, I haven’t shacked up with the Brit recently and I have a new obsession which gives me headaches and I lose sleep over:

Trying to come to my own terms with love/relationships/marriage etc.

I really am too much into the theme actually and probably need therapy. And can’t stop reading articles like this.

I find it all fascinating the way coupling is going these days.

I’m slowly starting to believe that marriage is unrealistic, as is long term love. To believe in those things means you’re negating the fact that we evolve as individuals and our needs change. I can’t buy into the idea that one person could take care of my emotional and physical needs for the rest of my life. I’m not willing to sign my name on a legal document for that. It just seems silly.

A recent conversation with an old high school friend went something like this:

me- so you've been married about a year right?

her- yes, last summer.

me- why get married now?

her- why not?

me- cause you're 26.

her- we just knew.

me- but you're 26.

(awkward pause/ end scene)

So I’ve realized that really we’re here to fall in love as many times as possible and to have babies. Marriage isn’t needed for either. Another thing we are here to do is to say yes to dessert as many times as possible. But that’s beside the point.

What I’m struggling with is accepting this new realistic idea without becoming cynical and jaded. An old coworker/college friend just got engaged. Sure, I ‘liked’ her facebook status but am I going to call her up and say congratulations? Probably not because she’ll be divorced in ten years. See how easily and quickly cynicism just slides right in?

Another example- via text my Ex asked me out for a drink to catch up. I haven't been reaching out to him for a few weeks and giving only a few word answers to his emails/texts.

This is making him worried. He thinks there's something wrong and he wants me to vent to him. I sware men are like puppies, it's amazing.

Though rum was involved the night of his text, I did write back-'No, you aren't my therapist.

I'm not going to bother you with my personal life'

He claimed that I wasn't a bother and reaffirmed that he was there for me if I needed him.

On my end, there was tequila involved after the rum so the text conversation ended after that. But of course I got a cat youtube video from him the next day. Seriously men- just, use your words!

Anywhoo, in short- I clearly have no idea what I want from him at this point so for my own sanity I'll continue to keep him at a distance. I need to see the Brit ASAP so I remember what it feels like to be a woman and a new crush would be great right now.