Unloading the guilt

Why do I always feel so guilty the next day after drinking so much and making careless decisions? I shouldn't feel bad about hooking up with my friend's BF's friend last night, but I do. I shouldn't feel bad about chain smoking all night, but I do. I also shouldn't feel bad about drinking in excess, and yet again- pretty guilt ridden today. I think it has something to do with my mother. Like she somehow knows that I drank more than 2 beers and hooked up with a guy I just met- and she's just doing the slow disapproving head shake. I think for the first time in a long time, I spent the entire night NOT thinking of ex-him.

I just worry that the drinking is becoming a pattern. In between the industry parties and going out with these girls in BK every weekend, it may be coming a pattern.

I was really just being in the moment last night and enjoying myself. Being goofy and not caring what time it was. That's what young folks are supposed to do right?? We can't stay in and make pizza and be in bed by 12.

So it was 6AM, just me and this guy J- after a night of flirting. Sure, we exchanged cards and he probably would've called me and asked me out. But fuck, I was horny and needed a little physical attention, especially after drinking all night and hanging out on rooftops. It had been over three months since I had been kissed, and that's just not right!

So unfortunately or fortunately (depending how you look at it) J and I didn't sleep together last night because he had some technical difficulties. I started laughing outloud which didn't help the situation. I just thought it was funny that here I am, the sun is coming up soon, and I pick this drunken guy to hook up with whose really not getting the job done at all. We didn't say too much after that, but he put me into a taxi and probably passed out before he made it back to his apartment.

I doubt he'll call and I'm not sure I want him to. He was what I wanted and went after last night. Someone to scratch an itch and pass my Marlboro Lights all night. So even though I have a raspy voice today and I'm just getting over my hangover...I've decided to not feel guilty about last night. A girl needs some rooftops and random hookups every now and then. Especially after three months!