Friday, May 7, 2010

Mental Break

I hadn't seem him all week cause he was out of town on a shoot.
Little to no communication happened during this time and I was really surprised at how happy I was. When I heard he was going out of town and I wasn't going to see him every day in our open office- do you understand what a relief this was?
Like I could actually focus on work, all day. No distractions. I took on every project and kicked ass the last week or so.

I'm still working on finding my 'me-ness' again. And it's been...interesting. All of the little trivial things that have taken me twenty-five years to realize I enjoy and value and need in order for me to be a content me- I'm finding again.
I'm working on being selfish, which can I say- is fucking hard.
I spent the last year in a relationship which was driven by the guy and then when I tried to drive it, I couldn't get him to pay attention to the road we were on.
How's that for a metaphor? So he opened the door for me, and I jumped off, abandoned on the side of the road. But I'm remembering I don't mind road trips. Damn I'm good with the metaphors tonight.

I think about him less. I can say that with certainty. Him going away for a week, helped of course. And now I'm at my mom's house for the weekend so my mental break continues. There's a part of me that still hopes to look down at my phone and see a call or text. Will this part always be there? The part that's waiting, the gut feeling that says he'll turn around and grab you and kiss you and say 'I miss you, please let's work it out.'

The saddest part is that neither of us tried to fix it- we just got out when we saw it was broken. Is this a good, smart choice? Or were we both too scared to try cause we thought we'd make it worse? Remember, we never fought and never really confronted each other. And in the end, that may have been the problem. I never explained to him fully what my me-ness needs in order to be me. Ugh, I guess it doesn't matter anymore if the end was the right kind of end.
I'm pushing on and focusing on me- sometimes it's hard to convince myself of that plan. So I need to say it again.

But a text, a call...something to show that a part of his heart is still beating a bit for me, well...that would just make this mental vacation a tad bit more enjoyable now.


  1. Ahh girl. What I can say is that if he wasn't into getting what your me-ness was, maybe that's a know? I think you need to be able to appreciate the other person as a unique individual... And I think sometimes its better to leave what's broken than drag it through the mud and ruin the good memories you had. You're doing so well! Good for you for kicking ass at work. You're kick ass at everything else too I'm sure. Now is your time to shine :)

  2. I never fought with or confronted my ex either. I think it definitely plays a role. You can't fix what was never there.