Friday, May 14, 2010

Gut Feeling

So more often than not I've been good lately. I've been busy and getting back into my old passions and own interests that help me define my favorite parts of myself. And day to day, I'm good. I'm better than okay. But still a tad shaky at times. Understandable.

And then I have times like this afternoon. Where I'm leaving work and I just have this gut feeling that I need to follow my heart and talk to him. Tell him that I still miss him. That these little one liner emails we send back and forth all day, are a tease. And I want more and I deserve more. I want to see him outside of work and spend time with him.

Question- Is this being weak that I want to stand up and communicate this to him or is this being the bitch who goes after what she wants to hold her own standards?

My standards aren't being met my our 'relationship' right now. I'd want nothing from him then what I have now. It's a polite tease, at best, is what we have now. But maybe I'll focus less on the standards I have for our 'relationship' if I do actually try to put my focus on someone else. Ugh.

Force myself to move forward and push through the pain or take a small step back and try to figure out what's actually holding me back?


  1. I've been reading for awhile but not commenting but I have to pop the cherry here and ask...

    Is he a friend to you? Outside of the relationship, if something happened to you, could you count on him? Inside of the relationship, did he take care of your heart and your feelings?

    I get the feeling that the answer is no. And if the answer is yes and he hasn't stepped up to the proverbial plate, no amount of heart following and bravery will make him do it.

    As it is, it's like you're starving yourself, subsisting on a morsel of attention, however lame and distracted and not dedicated it is when he gives it to you. You know the old saying that attention is attention, even if it's negative?

    Are you being weak? No. You're being human. But sometimes we need to see past the emotion and weigh the pros and cons and look at what makes sense. Look at his behavior. Look at how he treats you and talks to you and acts around you and your friends and your coworkers.

    There is a great deal of 'potential', sure. There is, with everyone. And there will be more potential with someone new who will also be your friend and also respect you and also will type out more than one line and will also be more than merely polite. I'd be running toward the possibility of so much more before I'd go back to what I already know exists.

  2. Put your listening ears on while I tell you this: It is never, never, NEVER weak to stand up and communicate. Going after what you want and holding your own standards? That's not bitchy either. Both are commendable and brave.

    I did it (albeit drunk) with Christopher and I didn't get my answer, but I am far happier now knowing the truth. Hope feels the same way: