Leaving The Worry

It's a funny feeling to not have the weight of a big worry anymore after it pushes you down for months. 

By habit, I still intermittently go back to the brain fuck of wondering where me and him are and where we stand and how he feels and not knowing. I've known for over a week now that we're on the same page.  

We're together and don't want to be with other people. We know this works but don't know what the future holds. He now knows my indecision of marriage and kids and I know now he's insecure and scared of getting older. We recognize that we each have things to work through independently but aren't letting it get in the way of where we are now. Life is too short and complicated to let the future muddle the now.

I went through getting stuck in a 'mental emergency landing position' this time last year so I know the procedure of how to get out of it by now.  It takes time to get out of a negative thought pattern. It's like anything else, practice.

But I have all the answers I need right now and my present is like a present. I get to enjoy it and not get stuck in the 'what if' cycle. I'm not saying it's perfect but there's something peaceful about not having the 'what if's' clog my brain. 

I spent the last 24 hours with him at his place. Talking, eating, laughing, sleeping/not sleeping ;)

And thoughts of worry got in a few times but then I kindly told them to leave. They were in the past. Sure, different ones will show up in the future but for now they can go stand out in the cold. I have someone now, who holds my hand and care if I'm cold or warm. 

I still take it day to day because nothing is guaranteed. If the last few years have taught me anything it's to not jump into anything and if something seems too good too be true, it typically means the good isn't true. 

So in my mind, if something actually is good and you have confirmation it's true, that doesn't mean you invite him home for the holidays, it means you just kiss a little longer.

Just call me Mandy Moore

If I could be any female celebrity I'd be Mandy Moore. 

I'm not ashamed to say I like her tweets, her music and most of her movie choices. 
Judge me if you will but I think every one has a celebrity alter ego and she's mine.

But right now I'm kind of itching to not be in her fictional skin. 

If you've seen Because I Said So this will make SO much more sense but regardless, enjoy.

Mom, text: Hi. Don't ask questions. 
What was the name of the broker you dated a few years ago? Was it Jason?

Me: What? No, it was Kevin. Why?

silence.

Me: Mom?

Next came a call from my mom. I answered hesitantly.

Me: What are you doing?

Mom: I found a 27 year old broker named Jason on JDate and I think he'd be perfect for you.

Me: silence.

Me: (stuttering for five minutes) 
Why are you looking at 27 year olds on JDate?

Mom: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's fine.
Go to bed, it's late.

Me: Mom...please stop. Please. Mom?  (more stuttering)

Mom: I have to go now. Goodbye. (hangs up)

Me, text to mom: Can you please stop being Diane Keaton now?

Mom: You may be pleasantly surprised. You can thank me later. HAGN.

(end scene)

And yes, my mother created her own text slang for Have a good night. 

The After (the vodka edition)

I wish there was a book that explains that after part of love.  
And maybe I’ll have to write about it one day, if I make it far enough into it.
From my experience in between tweets and texts...I really don’t think anyone says ‘And do you love me’ anymore...and then break into song about being married for twenty-five years with Jewish daughters. (Fiddler on the Roof for those who missed it.)
Most of us forget that men and woman think completely different of each other. 
Not even an easy, multi-equation polar opposite...but according to Venus and Mars...different. 
And when drinking is involved, the difference gets bigger.

But both of us learn grammar the same.
So when midnight chimes on a Friday, 
while standing on a crowded platform 
and a vodka filled girl (ahem, me) says these words: 
“So...I’ve been thinking about the us...and I didn’t want to be the one to talk about the we. But I want to know your thoughts...it’s been 4 months and we’ve been hanging out as a we...but as an us. I just think we should. I didn’t want to be the one to bring it up. I hate talking about the we...” 

...I wish I was paraphrasing but I think that’s almost exactly how I brought up the inevitable conversation.

He looked down at me as the train was coming and held me closer. There was a smile in his voice when he spoke next.
“I really don’t think this is the time or place for this.”

I knew he was right but I hated that I was wrong since I had been (over) thinking about it so much. 
I pouted and probably swayed a little to make sure I was still standing.
He asked me what I expected him to say right then and there.
“Something simple, something neat and simple and quick. I hate talking about this.”
I explained in between subway stops as I bumped against him.
I made a drunken sad face, immediately regretting whatever I said, “Did I even make a full sentence?”

He kissed me and kept hold of me.
“Don’t freak out. This just isn’t the place.”
I moved my facial expression a hundred times.
“Don’t freak out. I’ll talk to you soon.”
He kissed me again and again. I didn’t want to let go.
“Your mom is in town tomorrow. We’ll talk. I’m kissing you to reassure you that it’ll be OK.”
I kissed him back and let go...

A Pocket of Time

It was not a normal Monday. 
He had just cooked us dinner and as we sat down to eat at his new dining room table,
we lost electricity.
Without missing a beat he was up lighting candles and turning on flashlights.

The reality of the devastation that the storm would bring wouldn’t fully hit me until the end of the week when I was back in my own apartment watching the news.
Until then, we were in a bubble.

By Wednesday work would be fully cancelled for the week and not on a day to day basis.
Electricity and trains would slowly start being restored.
Until then though I was very much aware that this scenario was a fantasy come true for me.

It was my beginning of a rom com.
That great bonding montage you never think will happen in real life..
the elevator you get stuck in with the cute stranger,
the three day road trip you end up doing last minute with your crush.

Time that is given to you so you can just be you with someone you care about,
and nothing else getting in the way.

We had no lights, phones, cable or internet.
We had beer and wine and books and board games.
We told each other stories.
We asked each other questions.
We flirted and played.
We had the kind of good sex you really only have while on vacation in a hotel room far away from real life.

And I knew it wasn’t real.

The stress of work and family drama would come back.
We’d be two people again trying to fit in each other's lives and figure out where we stand.

But in those 5 days, even though I wore no makeup and his pajamas everyday,
I liked how we fit together.
Though I missed hot showers and my contacts
and my books and my own bed and lip gloss,
I liked how we fit together.

It could’ve been the circumstances of Sandy finally putting us in the same space
or it could’ve been us becoming the good part of us again.

Later I’d feel lucky. Absolutely lucky and guilty. From this storm I got a staycation with candles and good sex, while others had their life destroyed.

If you are able to, please donate whatever you can.

Blockage

Sometimes I really don't like still being single as I creep into my late 20s. I'm becoming smarter and listening to my women's intuition more (WI). I'm turning out to be right about things more often than not...especially men. Some mysteries are becoming clearer while others just fuzzier.

Four/five years ago I was deeply hung up and obsessed with the mystery of 'the disappearing guy after the amazing first date'. There was probably a couple Friends and Sex In the City episodes about it.
I had a good number of them in my early 20s and rather than dealing with it straight on I would typically just turn dates into casual hookups. Yeah..that was me 20-24 until I fell for my Ex.

For awhile- because of him I didn't have to worry about first dates and I was in love. Then after the breakup I started seeing the Brit but made it clear I didn't want to actually see him. I was done with being emotionally involved. I just wanted physical comfort and no drama. A hookup with an accent. 

It worked for awhile until I was ready to date again. Still, nothing serious stuck. I didn't mind though. After a few years of dodging the hard emotional stuff I became pretty good at ducking.

And now as I wade in and out of still casual hookups while trying to figure out what I want from my Ex and where we stand...the emotional block is still there whether I like it or not. And it could potentially ruin next steps with my Ex...if there are even next steps. 
My WI is telling me there aren't and I should keep wading.

It's an every day mental battle that I resolve right before I go to bed in a different way. If he gives me attention and plans for the future I realize I want to be with just him and want to be his girlfriend. 
I want the nonsense and gray zone to stop.
If I don't get the attention I want then I decide to text the Brit to distract myself or say yes to a new setup. I remind myself to be present and not rush into anything. Be happy with having him in my life and take the small baby steps.

I don't know what I want. And though I chose to let him back in my life romantically and very unsure and uneasy of what's going to happen...I need to accept being OK with not knowing what I want or I'm just going to continue to torture myself. 

The mystery of why he sent this text has been solved. I really only spent 2 minutes thinking about it and now it's done. I mean, wouldn't you say this to me if I had cancelled on you twice and was 20 mins late for the first date...
"Sorry I've been such a flake. I think you're sweet but I'm not interested in taking things further. Hope you're OK with that."

Am I OK with that? I don't have a choice. I blocked him before I even met him. 

Home Space

I didn’t fully realize I was running away until I had started packing. 

I had booked my train ticket at work that afternoon just minutes after I got approval to take Friday and Monday off. Work was slow. 

I was bored and had days to use.
 

On my way back to my apartment that night, as I walked down the subway stairs I tripped and almost fell. While I was still gripping onto the railing a witness to my trip walked past me and laughed at me. I yelled at him ‘It’s not funny’. My frustration grew and he turned to  me and said ‘What?’ as if I was being rude to interrupt his mocking of me. 

I continued down the stairs and mumbled ‘Never mind.’

I was too tired to fight back. I let the City win this round. 

In revenge, I had pizza for dinner and tried to relax. As I was packing I realized how tired I was and how much I needed a break.

I was tired of being bored at work and feeling like I was being underused and not challenged and having 20 mentally freak outs a day about being pigeon hold and stuck.

I was tired of asking myself what I wanted from my Ex- if anything...if less, if more.
If I’d get the courage to ask him what he wanted.

I was tired of wondering why this guy didn’t text me back after he told me he wanted to see me again. 

I concluded later that he got kidnapped my pirates and then sold to gypsies.

I was tired of pondering if I should still be in NYC or anywhere else but here...

So I left.

I cancelled all my plans for the weekend. Including time with the Ex, a bar crawl and volunteering.

While waiting for my mom to pick me up at the bus stop, a (too) young gas station attendant asked if I wanted to wait inside since it was cold out.
I explained I had just been on a train/bus for hours and needed some air, my mom was picking me up soon.
He nodded at me politely and said casually, ‘Yeah, everyone gets homesick.’

Just a few months from my 28th birthday and I realized I was homesick.

I missed that security- my home- that has changed a thousand times in the last 5 years but was always still left standing, no matter where my actual house was. 

It's like that great quote from Garden State:

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone...
You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist... I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place."

I missed my family smiling at me and seeing me just as I was in the present moment and not forcing me to define any of the above.

At one point over the weekend while my mom smiled at me as I watched TV on the couch, she exclaimed:

“Sometimes I think you should just move back home.
But then I realized you probably would never get married if you did...so I guess it’s OK.”

I laughed and admitted that sometimes I think about it too but then explained I’d have to actually drive a car though
and no one on the road wants to witness that. So I’ll stick with public transportation.

My Monday night I was exhausted, but this time physically. I had spent 4 days on either a bus or train riding around the state making sure I saw everyone.

I knew I had a lot waiting for me but as I got off the train and walked into the misty streets of midtown, I felt for at least a few minutes that I could take care of everything. 

Maybe just one step at a time.

Besides, this was all mine. I left home to have this independence and separate life. It’s not always going to be the way I want it.
But that’s why I’m here and not in the safeness of home: to take on my own messiness and enjoy the ride no matter how up and down it is. 

Even if things get worse, I know I can always step off, go hide for a few days and eat my mom's mashed potatoes with a giant wooden spoon.

Connect Two

Alright so we have text message and email and the entire Internet to connect any two people in the world so why is it so hard to feel connected to someone whose been in your life for 4 years?
 
Let’s face it that the majority of 2010 and 2011 I was waiting for my Ex to come back.

Then smack in the middle of 2012 after I assumed his train had left the station, he anchored his row boat next to me again.

Mixed transportation metaphor but you get it. He came back and forced himself in to my life.

And for one brief moment I felt like I had just scored The Point of the game.
We’ve been dribbling in each other’s courts since early July.

I apparently love all metaphors when I’m tired. Bare with me.

When I’m with him everything is good and he’s affectionate and attentive.
Two very important things. 
The basis of any good relationship.
The pattern we’ve fallen into is being together Saturday nights to Sunday- we have a proper date and then either he stays over or I go out to his place. 
It turned into our date night.

But our timing has been off the last few weeks and I haven’t seen him.
He’s been overwhelmed with work or described his schedule as messy.

He’s offered me Sundays recently. I volunteer on Sunday afternoons which he seemed to forget about. And I don’t really want to be penciled in between 7-9pm on a Sunday.

No one is in a datey mood on Sunday nights, no matter who the date is with.
OK- well if Ryan Gosling wanted a Sunday night of course I would rally and oblige.

Again, this weekend he offered me Sunday since he had a friend’s birthday party on Saturday night. Didn’t extend the invite to me.
I told him (text of course) Sundays won’t work for me so we’ll hopefully figure something else out.
He replied with a joke about cursing his friend’s parents so he didn’t have to go to this birthday. I didn’t reply.

Is he doing the bare minimum here or is it just me?
His actions are saying a lot. I know he’s been working till 9/10pm each night but come on- if he wanted a girlfriend at this point wouldn’t I feel more girlfriendy and solid in his life?
 
He's 36 going on 37, I feel like if he wants a romantic weekly buddy and not a girlfriend he should use Match.com.
There’s been no phone calls. Maybe one or two in 3.5 months.

I get texts checking in during the week and of course the daily email with an entertaining cat link. Sometimes dog.
I wonder what relationships were like before fucking cats made their way to youtube.
I bet people got laid more.

What do I want, you may ask? I want his next big move. 
It's like he's holding my hand but not very well. 
Don't pick up the ball again if you aren't ready to play.
He could be just as jaded and guarded as me, but come on man- grow a pair and get in the game.

P.S... I finally went out on that date last night. Applause.
And honestly it was great to meet someone new. 
I rate the entire date a strong B+ and would go out with him again.
He was present and honest and funny. And tall.
He also cleaned his glasses twice during dinner which I thought was totally adorable. (ahem, Giles)
I started thinking what a MASSIVE plot twist it would be if now that I suddenly have my Ex back on the same dock as me, I end up wanting to be with someone else.