It's a funny feeling to not have the weight of a big worry anymore after it pushes you down for months.
By habit, I still intermittently go back to the brain fuck of wondering where me and him are and where we stand and how he feels and not knowing. I've known for over a week now that we're on the same page.
We're together and don't want to be with other people. We know this works but don't know what the future holds. He now knows my indecision of marriage and kids and I know now he's insecure and scared of getting older. We recognize that we each have things to work through independently but aren't letting it get in the way of where we are now. Life is too short and complicated to let the future muddle the now.
I went through getting stuck in a 'mental emergency landing position' this time last year so I know the procedure of how to get out of it by now. It takes time to get out of a negative thought pattern. It's like anything else, practice.
But I have all the answers I need right now and my present is like a present. I get to enjoy it and not get stuck in the 'what if' cycle. I'm not saying it's perfect but there's something peaceful about not having the 'what if's' clog my brain.
I spent the last 24 hours with him at his place. Talking, eating, laughing, sleeping/not sleeping ;)
And thoughts of worry got in a few times but then I kindly told them to leave. They were in the past. Sure, different ones will show up in the future but for now they can go stand out in the cold. I have someone now, who holds my hand and care if I'm cold or warm.
I still take it day to day because nothing is guaranteed. If the last few years have taught me anything it's to not jump into anything and if something seems too good too be true, it typically means the good isn't true.
So in my mind, if something actually is good and you have confirmation it's true, that doesn't mean you invite him home for the holidays, it means you just kiss a little longer.