Sometimes I really don't like still being single as I creep into my late 20s. I'm becoming smarter and listening to my women's intuition more (WI). I'm turning out to be right about things more often than not...especially men. Some mysteries are becoming clearer while others just fuzzier.
Four/five years ago I was deeply hung up and obsessed with the mystery of 'the disappearing guy after the amazing first date'. There was probably a couple Friends and Sex In the City episodes about it.
I had a good number of them in my early 20s and rather than dealing with it straight on I would typically just turn dates into casual hookups. Yeah..that was me 20-24 until I fell for my Ex.
For awhile- because of him I didn't have to worry about first dates and I was in love. Then after the breakup I started seeing the Brit but made it clear I didn't want to actually see him. I was done with being emotionally involved. I just wanted physical comfort and no drama. A hookup with an accent.
It worked for awhile until I was ready to date again. Still, nothing serious stuck. I didn't mind though. After a few years of dodging the hard emotional stuff I became pretty good at ducking.
And now as I wade in and out of still casual hookups while trying to figure out what I want from my Ex and where we stand...the emotional block is still there whether I like it or not. And it could potentially ruin next steps with my Ex...if there are even next steps.
My WI is telling me there aren't and I should keep wading.
It's an every day mental battle that I resolve right before I go to bed in a different way. If he gives me attention and plans for the future I realize I want to be with just him and want to be his girlfriend.
I want the nonsense and gray zone to stop.
If I don't get the attention I want then I decide to text the Brit to distract myself or say yes to a new setup. I remind myself to be present and not rush into anything. Be happy with having him in my life and take the small baby steps.
I don't know what I want. And though I chose to let him back in my life romantically and very unsure and uneasy of what's going to happen...I need to accept being OK with not knowing what I want or I'm just going to continue to torture myself.
The mystery of why he sent this text has been solved. I really only spent 2 minutes thinking about it and now it's done. I mean, wouldn't you say this to me if I had cancelled on you twice and was 20 mins late for the first date...
"Sorry I've been such a flake. I think you're sweet but I'm not interested in taking things further. Hope you're OK with that."
Am I OK with that? I don't have a choice. I blocked him before I even met him.