Unloading the guilt

Why do I always feel so guilty the next day after drinking so much and making careless decisions? I shouldn't feel bad about hooking up with my friend's BF's friend last night, but I do. I shouldn't feel bad about chain smoking all night, but I do. I also shouldn't feel bad about drinking in excess, and yet again- pretty guilt ridden today. I think it has something to do with my mother. Like she somehow knows that I drank more than 2 beers and hooked up with a guy I just met- and she's just doing the slow disapproving head shake. I think for the first time in a long time, I spent the entire night NOT thinking of ex-him.

I just worry that the drinking is becoming a pattern. In between the industry parties and going out with these girls in BK every weekend, it may be coming a pattern.

I was really just being in the moment last night and enjoying myself. Being goofy and not caring what time it was. That's what young folks are supposed to do right?? We can't stay in and make pizza and be in bed by 12.

So it was 6AM, just me and this guy J- after a night of flirting. Sure, we exchanged cards and he probably would've called me and asked me out. But fuck, I was horny and needed a little physical attention, especially after drinking all night and hanging out on rooftops. It had been over three months since I had been kissed, and that's just not right!

So unfortunately or fortunately (depending how you look at it) J and I didn't sleep together last night because he had some technical difficulties. I started laughing outloud which didn't help the situation. I just thought it was funny that here I am, the sun is coming up soon, and I pick this drunken guy to hook up with whose really not getting the job done at all. We didn't say too much after that, but he put me into a taxi and probably passed out before he made it back to his apartment.

I doubt he'll call and I'm not sure I want him to. He was what I wanted and went after last night. Someone to scratch an itch and pass my Marlboro Lights all night. So even though I have a raspy voice today and I'm just getting over my hangover...I've decided to not feel guilty about last night. A girl needs some rooftops and random hookups every now and then. Especially after three months!

A Following

So recently I've been going to industry parties, and I'd say at this point I'm a groupie. I thoroughly enjoy taking part in the free booze and random atmosphere. I feel adult and actually semi trendy. Tonight's party included two open bars, half a dozen kegs, DJ, popcorn machine and a hotdog vendor. Plus at one point some one dropped off about three hundred sliders from Pop burger. Amazing!

We all know the story of the last one I went to and I was a tad drunk when I rambled on to this hot aussie about him and he pretty much tore him apart, calling him fat and arrogant. I didn't think much of this guy except holy shit, you're hot but I couldn't stop myself from being 'that hung up on her ex' girl.

Tonight at another party, hot Aussie came up to me on his way out. I hadn't had almost anything to drink so my nerves were quite visible as he quickly asked me if he was here and asked how I was doing. I was in kind of shock and really said nothing clever or funny. Also, let me remind you that I still don't know his name or where he works, but clearly he's in the circuit of parties and works somewhere in the ad biz. A potential perhaps? The truth is, if he wants to really meet me, he'll find me. Unless he remembers no details about me through the previous drunken haze.

I traded cards with this one girl who invited me to a party next week, so perhaps I'll see him there. Even if it turns out his has a GF, hot aussie guys travel in packs. I just need to show him the real charming, awesome me and not the 'pathetic help me make my ex jealous' me.

Holy crap- can I just say, what a difference a day makes and (ahem) less drinking. Happy four day weekend!

Walking the truth

So my night started when, we began texting and I was out with a coworker. I was playing it legit cool according to Argov. And then I left it by saying ' We're busy here, but maybe we'll stop by where you are...etc'

And we were both walking the streets and I really didn't think this would happen but as my friend I walked towards his bar, he had started walking where we were at. When I saw him on the street, I'll be honest, my heart melted.

We were both caught red handed. And he said outloud, ' We were walking towards you.'

How do I describe the rest of the night? I was anxious and excited and happy that I had caught him in his tracks in order to clearly see me. Fucking elated I was. Soon, we were alone. And through more beers...we caught up. And to be honest, that was still blurry with beer. But it was still just us and it felt good when we were finally alone from the group. At one point I said "I miss you, like I don't mean to add any pressure, but I miss you still." and he said something to the point of understanding and missing me back but as far as anything else...I dunno, I was scared to question anything about it and that's the truth. If I remember right, and to be actually honest to myself, he actually said he still needs more time and got quite serious. Still figuring out his career life and what he wanted.

That was my cue for- appear around him more with situations that include heavy beer.

Though my libido wish I had, I should've pushed more, and said back 'stop fucking with me, just give me you or fucking let me move on' BUT AGAIN- even when I was drunk he still gave me some semi fuzed answer of acceptance which only angers me. AND he still texts me later checking up on me AGAIN. I know I've been drinking, but I'm not wasted now, when I ask my follow bloggers for help please?!! Is this a sign of hope or was he just being polite?

Also, with him there may be karaoke on Sunday night and he'll be there. But in the mean time I still said, "I miss you'... I'll act like it didn't happen right? And in between, make him realize even more while he sorts himself out- hell yeah- he's missing a lot.

In all honestly, the excuse of "I need to sort my shit out"- do we accept that?? Sometimes yes, I really do because one plus one is not two if it's broken. But on the other hand, we're fucking adults- grow the fuck up- and deal, no one ever has their shit figured out and we aren't meant to be alone.

Holy Perspective Batman!

So even though I've recently been pulled back in and slightly emotionally tortured with his flirty winks and texts and touches, I'm working hard at keeping afloat and clear headed. Moving forward and all that. Taking everything at face value and not stressing until some kind of official invitation is put out there. And it's a struggle admittedly. (ahem, see drunken previous post)

But I'm realizing that I have girlfriends who are going through much worse than me and I'm kind of at a loss as to what to tell them. I'm not going to get into specs of their recent burns but they're having trouble finding closure and moving on. They're blaming themselves and when they list the bad things about their sirs, they aren't really listening to themselves. And I don't know if I'm in a position to jump on the metaphorical megaphone and preach to them. Because I know what it's like to not want to give up and to keep on pushing and taking fate into your own hands and putting yourself out there again and again. Okay, so technically I really haven't done that with him or anyone else.

So I really shouldn't be on the megaphone. But I have learned that if a guy wants to be with you, he will. He will slip and stumble through his own shit that he needs to get through in order to be with you. The girl doesn't need to do all that much. I need to remind myself, that we're the ones with the power. It's harder to believe it than say it for some reason. Maybe it has to do with us accepting our own self worth and letting go of the fact that a guy doesn't define us. We do. It's a simple fact.

I feel that this is the week that I can muster up those golden, gut-wrenching words, 'Do you want to grab a drink?'

Give him the green light, that's what I'll do. And if it turns out that he still has his breaks on, well, hell- I'm moving forward anyway.

Finally...a weekday drunk.

I think this is the post that has been screaming to come out. Fucking crying tears that it comes through but I promise to God it's needed something this whole time.

Fuck it. The truth is I'm crying because he doesn't care about me. And I watched that tonight from a far. I was attempting hard to flirt with these other guys and get his attention, while I told them over and over again that I miss him. They kept on putting him down...he's overweight, a loser, a punk, douche. And my only excuse, I loved him and I needed him.

When did he stop being there? I wish it was when I stopped needing him, but still I crave his quick winks.

None of this makes sense. He'll follow me if I stop loving him. But I can't and you can quote me on that one. Love...as it is, keeps on going to what it needs to be.

The truth-- just relay this, and I'll feel better. In the mean time, no excuses, it's 1:30AM on a Friday, and I ask- for real this time. What is holding me back from Love? Four words from love. Push it into your pants, and tighten the belt, and say, above all- it's just love and you can do anything. Get to it.

Gut Feeling

So more often than not I've been good lately. I've been busy and getting back into my old passions and own interests that help me define my favorite parts of myself. And day to day, I'm good. I'm better than okay. But still a tad shaky at times. Understandable.

And then I have times like this afternoon. Where I'm leaving work and I just have this gut feeling that I need to follow my heart and talk to him. Tell him that I still miss him. That these little one liner emails we send back and forth all day, are a tease. And I want more and I deserve more. I want to see him outside of work and spend time with him.

Question- Is this being weak that I want to stand up and communicate this to him or is this being the bitch who goes after what she wants to hold her own standards?

My standards aren't being met my our 'relationship' right now. I'd want nothing from him then what I have now. It's a polite tease, at best, is what we have now. But maybe I'll focus less on the standards I have for our 'relationship' if I do actually try to put my focus on someone else. Ugh.

Force myself to move forward and push through the pain or take a small step back and try to figure out what's actually holding me back?

Two Words

Summer fling. I remember in college I thought a summer fling sounded so romantic and carefree and used to crave them like candy. Two young people just caught up in the sweat and heat of the summer, running around and not thinking about the future.

My first summer being 21 in NYC I met this British guy through a friend who was only in town for that summer, interning at Goldman-Sachs. His livings were totally paid for- and turned out to be in a two bedroom suite at the Madison Ave Affinia hotel.

We spent over two months drinking and eating at the best rooftop bars and running around the city, carefree.

He had just gotten his heart broken by a long term girlfriend and kept me quite emotionally distant. I had never had such intense attention and whoo-ing put on me before, and didn’t really know what I was doing. I thoroughly enjoyed waking up in his king sized bed, even though I had to take the LIRR ride of shame shortly after.

That summer though, I remember feeling like I owned that city, and I was at the top of the world. I was so in the moment, enjoying every experience and (maybe this is hindsight) but I don’t recall really second guessing myself. Sure I probably touched up makeup in the bathroom and triple checked my wardrobe before going out, but I didn’t look around feeling insecure.

In fact, I really don’t look around for approval. I was there, and young and felt like the opening doors were endless. I rode around in taxis as the sun was coming up and let the warm air carry me back to his bedroom with a big grin on my face. We weren’t soul mates, we were just there, together, experiencing the city as adults with no borders for the first time.

Now as an adult, it’s harder than it sounds to keep my overactive emotional imagination at bay...

And, I know not every summer can be a 21 summer but hell, here’s a good goal for the new me- why not try anyway? The worst that could happen-- a walk of shame or two.

Yes, the chances of heartbreak are high. But why worry about that now? Why not just focus on hitting all green lights in a taxi as the sun’s coming up, with a guy who doesn’t need to know my middle name.

Mental Break

I hadn't seem him all week cause he was out of town on a shoot.

Little to no communication happened during this time and I was really surprised at how happy I was. When I heard he was going out of town and I wasn't going to see him every day in our open office- do you understand what a relief this was?

Like I could actually focus on work, all day. No distractions. I took on every project and kicked ass the last week or so.

I'm still working on finding my 'me-ness' again. And it's been...interesting. All of the little trivial things that have taken me twenty-five years to realize I enjoy and value and need in order for me to be a content me- I'm finding again.

I'm working on being selfish, which can I say- is fucking hard.

I spent the last year in a relationship which was driven by the guy and then when I tried to drive it, I couldn't get him to pay attention to the road we were on.

How's that for a metaphor? So he opened the door for me, and I jumped off, abandoned on the side of the road. But I'm remembering I don't mind road trips. Damn I'm good with the metaphors tonight.

I think about him less. I can say that with certainty. Him going away for a week, helped of course. And now I'm at my mom's house for the weekend so my mental break continues. There's a part of me that still hopes to look down at my phone and see a call or text. Will this part always be there? The part that's waiting, the gut feeling that says he'll turn around and grab you and kiss you and say 'I miss you, please let's work it out.'

The saddest part is that neither of us tried to fix it- we just got out when we saw it was broken. Is this a good, smart choice? Or were we both too scared to try cause we thought we'd make it worse? Remember, we never fought and never really confronted each other. And in the end, that may have been the problem. I never explained to him fully what my me-ness needs in order to be me. Ugh, I guess it doesn't matter anymore if the end was the right kind of end.

I'm pushing on and focusing on me- sometimes it's hard to convince myself of that plan. So I need to say it again.

But a text, a call...something to show that a part of his heart is still beating a bit for me, well...that would just make this mental vacation a tad bit more enjoyable now.

Well...Yeah.

This has been my thought pattern recently:

'well if I could've done it all over again...' (pause for a few minutes)

'...I really don't have a fucking clue as to what I would've done differently."

And sometimes this makes me laugh that I end up there, other times I get sad and think, ah crap I really gotta step up and figure out my shit.

getanewjobapartmentbetterfriendswhodon'tdrinkasmuchandforgettocallmeback

Well, at least I'm getting out of town this weekend.