Clean Plate

I don’t need a therapist to tell me I’ve immersed myself in the family slice of my pie of life in order to ignore the empty slice that is my love life. 

75% of my day today was filled up with family time via text and calls and 25% was filled up with work. That’s why I thought it was an excellent idea to have 3 glasses of wine during the Fifty Shades book club tonight and text train guy as well as my ex. 

Don’t worry- after 1 text from ex, I deleted his response and wiped it from my memory. It was like it never happened. Give a girl a break. 

I knew what I wanted from him- an immediate response. And that’s what I got. Mission accomplished. I’m a master at the text small talk.

Train guy also texted me back right away. Again, I was 3 glasses of wine deep and after my very limited drinking as of late- this sadly affected me immediately. I suggested we get a drink this weekend. He’s out of town but suggested next week. The banter continued for about a half hour. 

It got to the point where my book club girls yelled at me and had 2 other members act out the texts in front of the group of fifteen. I siped water.

Again, I got what I wanted- immediate entertainment and a possible date (ahem, ignoring the fact that he has a gf)

I’m smoking cigarettes again (this week). Did I mention family life draws my in to the point of me being overwhelmed and stressed? It's a good distraction from that lack of love pie. 

Don't judge.

And while I was chain smoking outside my apartment after book club, I buzz dialed my bestie in Boston. 

I needed to hear things like I don’t need to be in therapy. 

I’m doing okay. I need a rest. 

I need a night out. I need a break. 

She knew what to say, thank god for ten year friendships. 

I hugged the phone before going back inside. 

Then I walk inside my apartment and it smells of windex and air. The cleaning lady my roommate hired had been here. 

I walk in my bedroom 

and there’s folded laundry and no dust and space and my bed is made an entirely different way. 

My pillows are set in a different order. 

For whatever reason, knowing that someone had been here wiping away the dust and clearing clutter for me while I was out dealing with my overwhelming life pie, 

gave me a sense of relief that nicotine hasn’t brought me all week.

Seeing a physical clearing when I’ve been struggling to get a mental one for months 

is something I couldn’t have asked for but has helped, at least in a little baby step, small slice of pie crust kind of way.

Here’s to tomorrow. 

Pick Me Up Before You Go-Go

Best pickup line I heard recently came from the guy I was sitting next to on an Amtrak Sunday night. “Well...it’s not like I’m married.”

This was after we spent almost three hours flirting/verbally abusing each other.

Note to all future guys who sit next to me on trains or coffee shops: the more I make fun of your tattoos, job, hometown or music taste = the more I like you. I abuse you and make you wonder if I like you and then charm your pants off by quoting Caddyshack or My Cousin Vinny. Then I pull out my Jane Austen book and really keep them guessing. You’ll be in love with me by the time I start mentioning my love for Jack Daniels.

(Side note: BUT will you call/text me is the cliffhanger, mind boggling question.)

We talked and flirted and winked and glanced at each other and at one point I noticed the annoyingly cute photo booth picture of him and a chick on his iPhone. When we were up at ground level, hesitating around each other, I mentioned it. And he came back with that line above. Guess who walked away with my phone number?
I reassured myself with a phone call to my mother who said “Well maybe you’re the one who will steal him away.”

Yes, my mother is routing for me so much that I’m not scolded for hitting on a guy whose involved. I think if he had a ring on she would still tell me to put me hair down and go for it. Maybe even buy him a drink at the cafe cart.

I’ve been ignoring all three sirs mentioned here and they’re still contacting me on a regular basis. Can anyone tap into the male psyche for a hot second and fill me in.

What’s up with that? Can’t you just let a girl go pine elsewhere and flirt with unavailable men?

Haven’t heard from Amtrak guy of course. But do I have a cat video in my inbox from my ex? Of course! Side note: not a euphemism. 

Paying Fines

It was Saturday night and I was at a distant relative’s birthday party. I was in deep family mode all weekend and mentally felt miles away from everything and everyone.

It also helped that I was treated to stay at the same hotel as everyone else downtown. A surprise stay-cation to maximize bonding.

Sometime that night I looked at my phone. Three texts.

If you’ve been paying attention the last few years you know who they’re from.

The ex, the brit and the newest member- BB, the biker boy.

I stared at their texts and felt a combination of disgust and anxiety. I thought for a few minutes how to answer each one. Each wanted something different from me. But not enough to excite me.

The ex suggested a movie I should watch on television,

the brit wanted to join me in my hotel room late night,

and BB wanted to know how my week was.

Three different levels of small talk I was too far away to deal with.

I couldn’t think of how to respond.

And then I realized. I didn’t want any of them.

Even if they were all somehow combined, I still didn’t want them.

What did they want with me?

Why couldn’t my ex leave me alone?

Why couldn’t the brit realize our casual bed time had turned dull?

Why didn’t BB at least attempt to make a joke?

Though the brit called me late night and my ex texted me a few more times in the weekend, I continued to ignore them. Not one reply.

Today I believe in something greater then these nothing nothing men. There’s a something out there that won’t leave me with questions.

That won't leave me with doubt. I'm not stuck with these three.

This is not my story. I will make them my past.

Alone they are like unpaid library fines. Constantly there giving me polite reminders they exist in my world somewhere but not a big enough threat to stress me out.

Then they hit all at once Saturday night and I realized it was time to wipe them all clean.

I don’t know what will happen.

I could get a new fine but today I believe that one day, and hopefully one day soon, I’ll check out something I like and will return in time...no questions asked.

I Had Fun To.

His grammar clearly isn't up to par but he does laugh at my jokes and drives a motorcycle.

My friend set me up during the Passover seder we co-hosted on Friday night. He brought his sister and potato vodka. He was confused as to why I wasn't drinking but I kept things simple and blamed my stomach bug from a few weeks ago. But he's 24 so anyone who doesn't drink or stay up till 3am seems just a little off to him. He gave me looks when I was drinking decaf tea towards midnight. But he did laugh at my jokes.

When he joined my friend and I out bowling last night I learned more about him. The more I learned the less I wish I knew. Enjoy:

He lives at home...almost 2 hours outside the city by train.

He hates trains and the city. And he hates smart phones.

He's not in his off/on again set building job right now because due to druken pole jumping in Puerto Rico he broke his wrist.

He's a good bowler and a good dancer. He didn't finish college.

He thinks dinner dates and dating in general is awkward. But he did tell me to text him when I got home and offered me cab money.

He hates cabs. And buckles up when he's in one.

He loves rollercoasters and building beach bombfires.

But doesn't know who the villian was in Ghostbusters.

Needless to say I had a couple drinks last night but only a couple. He was semi impressed with me ordering a JD and coke. He paid for my drinks.

After three weeks of not drinking I have the clarity to know that there's too much on this list that I just don't want. But my friends seem to think getting on a 24 year old's motorcycle is exactly what I need right now.

I laughed at him when he asked me if he should get my number from my friend.

I texted him when I got home and he texted me back 'I had fun to.'

Not sure if he'll be teaching me anything in the near future but at the very least he's getting some grammar lessons. He better be a good kisser.

Sober Singledom

I don’t think I’ve been here at this point before or maybe I have. I do know though, I have lost count of the number of times I tried in the last 2 years to change things. I had to recently write a time table down actually because I couldn’t figure out if I had been in a relationship three years ago or two. It’s two. But it feels like three.

I spent the majority of last year being inside my body, just stuck in my head and on emotional auto pilot waiting for family drama to come to a rest. At the end of the year it did and I removed myself from my crash landing position. It felt like freedom.

2012 came and I decided to carpe diem as much as possible. Staying out late, drinking, random bar make outs, Vegas, dancing and dancing, spending money, spending money, and drinking. Enjoying every instinct my body and mind wanted in every moment. I was mentally and physically shouting to the universe ‘I’m fucking amazing’ with each step I took. But I didn’t hear anything back.

I was sure I would meet someone this way. Saying yes to every invite out. Sending out those positive happy single vibes, just waiting for someone to pick up on them. Cue more drinking, more dancing and more spending money. At one point I felt like my skin was turning yellow from lack of anything good.

It wasn’t until I was faced to really do a check in that I realized two things,

A- it wasn’t working and B- I wasn’t happy.

Luckily, I’m getting smarter in my old age and this realization came quickly and I didn’t need a bad night of drunk tears to tell me I wasn’t happy. That's so 2010.

I then decided to take a few days off from drinking after my stomach bug and eat healthier and rest. I then realized something else, I haven’t felt a real connection with a guy since my boyfriend two years ago. I've been floating along alone for two years- only touching ground twice with the crush on MG and the short lived thing with C.

I can easily meet guys like him and enjoy their company for a night but there’s one big difference- he kept asking me out and they aren’t. And I don’t know why.

Was he a fluke accident in my set singledom or does this have to do with me?

It’s me. And in order to avoid any bipolar drunk tears filled with even more emotional distress, I’ve decided to stop drinking for a bit. I realized, and again, I’m getting smarter in my old age, that I have a better chance of figuring this shit out sober then I am drunk.

And it’s been twelve days. My mind misses drinking but my body doesn’t. I’m not saying I’m going to stay sober till I meet someone...but hell, I haven’t given this method a try yet, so why not. For one thing, I’ll sleep better and will lose some weight by cutting out beer munchies.

Mystery

So...

I just realized that they are going to solve the seventy-five year old mystery of Amelia Earhart’s disappearance before I can logically figure out why and how I’ve been single for two years. Seems wrong.

It’s infuriating and mind-boggling at the same time.

I told my mom about my realization and she said well maybe since they found her, you'll be next up on unsolved mysteries.

The Dealbreaker List

I had leftover lingering low feelings from the other night circling in my head when I arrived at my dinner plans tonight. E and S were in good moods and talking about their latest crushes and dates. I was quiet. Then it was my turn to share and I explained that I have nothing, nada in the love column right now. It's been getting to me. And rather then playing pretend with my best girlfriends, I let it all out. It felt awesome to just say "I haven't gone out on a date since October...I'm blue...help!"

That's when S told me about this list her brother told her about that helped her get some clarity and regain focus.

Write a list of things you absolutely need from a partner and get as specific as possible. Don't think of a specific previous or current mate when you do it, just sit at the computer and start typing. Try to keep it under fifteen.

Here's my list.

1. Awesome sense of humor/likes Bill Murray

2. Has a dorky side and is OK with it

3. not afraid to/ of change.

4. Has a creative side and acts on it (hobby/side projects)

5. In OK shape

6. Religion/politics POV doesn’t matter/ is OK with me not following politics

7. Family relationships can be good or strained

8. Cooks on a regular basis and is willing to cook for me/loves food

9. Handles own stress well

10. Can communicate with me about emotions/worries/stress/frustrations well

11. Enjoys traveling/geographically adventurous

12. Makes a steady and responsible salary

13. Talks on the phone (not stuck in text-only)

I went back through the list and counted. My ex was a 7 out of 12. A SEVEN people!! As my friend S exclaimed- we should settle for no less than TENS or HIGHER. With each guy you date aim to date higher and if you don't, then dump them. These aren't crazy requests, these are things that can and will be found in one guy. It's a great, transformative, perspective changing exercise that we should do every couple months as a check in to make sure our needs are in order. Would love to see your lists!