I don’t think I’ve been here at this point before or maybe I have. I do know though, I have lost count of the number of times I tried in the last 2 years to change things. I had to recently write a time table down actually because I couldn’t figure out if I had been in a relationship three years ago or two. It’s two. But it feels like three.
I spent the majority of last year being inside my body, just stuck in my head and on emotional auto pilot waiting for family drama to come to a rest. At the end of the year it did and I removed myself from my crash landing position. It felt like freedom.
2012 came and I decided to carpe diem as much as possible. Staying out late, drinking, random bar make outs, Vegas, dancing and dancing, spending money, spending money, and drinking. Enjoying every instinct my body and mind wanted in every moment. I was mentally and physically shouting to the universe ‘I’m fucking amazing’ with each step I took. But I didn’t hear anything back.
I was sure I would meet someone this way. Saying yes to every invite out. Sending out those positive happy single vibes, just waiting for someone to pick up on them. Cue more drinking, more dancing and more spending money. At one point I felt like my skin was turning yellow from lack of anything good.
It wasn’t until I was faced to really do a check in that I realized two things,
A- it wasn’t working and B- I wasn’t happy.
Luckily, I’m getting smarter in my old age and this realization came quickly and I didn’t need a bad night of drunk tears to tell me I wasn’t happy. That's so 2010.
I then decided to take a few days off from drinking after my stomach bug and eat healthier and rest. I then realized something else, I haven’t felt a real connection with a guy since my boyfriend two years ago. I've been floating along alone for two years- only touching ground twice with the crush on MG and the short lived thing with C.
I can easily meet guys like him and enjoy their company for a night but there’s one big difference- he kept asking me out and they aren’t. And I don’t know why.
Was he a fluke accident in my set singledom or does this have to do with me?
It’s me. And in order to avoid any bipolar drunk tears filled with even more emotional distress, I’ve decided to stop drinking for a bit. I realized, and again, I’m getting smarter in my old age, that I have a better chance of figuring this shit out sober then I am drunk.
And it’s been twelve days. My mind misses drinking but my body doesn’t. I’m not saying I’m going to stay sober till I meet someone...but hell, I haven’t given this method a try yet, so why not. For one thing, I’ll sleep better and will lose some weight by cutting out beer munchies.