Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Yes Pact

Recently I’ve realized I’ve been drinking and going out a lot. I don’t regret it. I’m just in a phase of saying yes.

My grandmother passed away three years ago this May. What is three years? Such an off, insignificant number. It’s a number that’s blurry compared to two or five. It hardly stands out. It’s still there though.
Three. It leaves an uncomfortable, unsettling feeling.

When I really let myself think about her being gone, I mean really accept it- my world crashes down and I just sit and cry. I feel her emptiness at its fullness.
I let myself realize that she’s not in some other state outside of communication. She’s void. And I fall apart again. She tied my family together.
And it’s been years now, and I still don’t know how to bring us together.
I’m the ‘youngest adult’ so I have the fight in me or else the real adults are too old and the young ones just don’t realize. But that’s for another blog.

My point is about her and why I’ve been saying yes more.
She didn’t want to go out the night she met her husband. From what I heard he turned out to be a drunk. The details have been spared me.
But I still can’t help but remember more often than not...she had originally said no. Shortly later she had a husband and two boys, and eventually, me. She wanted to stay in.
Something...her friends, made her say yes to venturing out. So she did.
So now, I say yes. It doesn’t mean I expect perfect, it just means I expect what I have now, a story. And maybe one day, if I say yes enough...I’ll have something more.


  1. I seem to pick up stories whether I venture out or not. I think it is better to venture out.

  2. So touched by your post that I've been emotional all day. My grandma has been gone just over a decade and I think of her often. I still want to pick up the phone and call her.

    Sadly, few listened to the lessons she tried to teach us in life. Of 7 grandchildren, my one younger cousin and I are best friends and live our life around her preachings, religious and otherwise. The rest of our family, for the most part has faded into the background - of their own choice. We have one another. (although she is close with her immediate family if that makes sense)

    Listen to your grandmother as you have been. Go with your heart, say yes. You know she knows.