Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Dealbreaker List

I had leftover lingering low feelings from the other night circling in my head when I arrived at my dinner plans tonight. E and S were in good moods and talking about their latest crushes and dates. I was quiet. Then it was my turn to share and I explained that I have nothing, nada in the love column right now. It's been getting to me. And rather then playing pretend with my best girlfriends, I let it all out. It felt awesome to just say "I haven't gone out on a date since October...I'm!"

That's when S told me about this list her brother told her about that helped her get some clarity and regain focus.

Write a list of things you absolutely need from a partner and get as specific as possible. Don't think of a specific previous or current mate when you do it, just sit at the computer and start typing. Try to keep it under fifteen.

Here's my list.

1. Awesome sense of humor/likes Bill Murray

2. Has a dorky side and is OK with it

3. not afraid to/ of change.

4. Has a creative side and acts on it (hobby/side projects)

5. In OK shape

6. Religion/politics POV doesn’t matter/ is OK with me not following politics

7. Family relationships can be good or strained

8. Cooks on a regular basis and is willing to cook for me/loves food

9. Handles own stress well

10. Can communicate with me about emotions/worries/stress/frustrations well

11. Enjoys traveling/geographically adventurous

12. Makes a steady and responsible salary

13. Talks on the phone (not stuck in text-only)

I went back through the list and counted. My ex was a 7 out of 12. A SEVEN people!! As my friend S exclaimed- we should settle for no less than TENS or HIGHER. With each guy you date aim to date higher and if you don't, then dump them. These aren't crazy requests, these are things that can and will be found in one guy. It's a great, transformative, perspective changing exercise that we should do every couple months as a check in to make sure our needs are in order. Would love to see your lists!


  1. Good list. I read a book that suggested 3 that you will never compromise on. I think somewhere in between 3 and 15 is good for me.

  2. I have a list - Seven things that hare musts in a partner. I developed the list over the course of aobut five months while not dating at all. Thanks for sharing yours!

    But here's my question - if these are really deal-breakers, doesn't a guy need to fit every single one of the qualities?

  3. I've heard 5 to not compromise on! Haha

  4. There is a dating book that does this experiment, I wrote the details from the book and my own list on my blog. It generally breaks down to "essentials" or "desirables" and then you get a top 5. Like, I desire someone that is tall, but its essential that he be honest, even if he is short.

    Anyway, its a good idea to have a list, here is the link, the name of the book is in there too, granted I only got halfway through, I think the last half is for people in a relationship or something.

  5. Can I just use your list with a few minor changes?