Turn Up The Radio

I feel the best I’ve felt in a long time. Strong and pretty and confidant and good at my job. And of course when one part of your life is good, the others...need work to balance things out. Nothing new happened with mg. At work there’s never a time to talk and I feel like we are different people when we are together outside of work. I don’t see this as a bad or mean thing, it’s just that we don’t work together on the same projects and there’s never really time to flirt. So it’s mostly radio silence during the day unless I shout out to him every time he goes to the bathroom. Awkward.

He left work before me tonight and lingered. I didn’t say much cause I was in work mode. I texted him when I left the office a half hour later and said ‘Just left the office, want to grab a beer?’ Radio silence.

Luckily, I’m on vacation starting now for 10 days and venturing to Berlin with a small tour group. My thoughts will be about beer and men and a language I don’t know in a City I don’t know and I can’t freaking wait! THIS is the environment I live for. I know no one on the trip and can’t wait to exercise the inner me!

I will leave mg and work behind for 10 days.

It’s silly really. He’s given me no real reason to fall for him. He’s not sweeping me off my feet or calling me every hour. He has yet to really use my number.

And yet, here I am, fallen. And I wish it was for a guy who was really fully there, deserving of my feelings. It’s just so much nothing...and my feelings are being wasted. Though I love the flirting and the random kisses and another reason to dress well, but I miss the return feelings and the certainty of being liked.

I miss feeling close with winks and smiles and inside jokes. I don’t miss the old BF but I miss the proximity I was able to have. If it’s not going to happen with mg then it’ll be someone else. I just wish they were here already. Because I’m ready.

I want to mentally kick myself again. Because even though I keep reminding myself to let this crush just be a crush, I checked my cell about a dozen times after I hit send. Why is it that even though when our brains know the reality, our hearts still like to play the game even though the other player is barely there?