Clean Plate

I don’t need a therapist to tell me I’ve immersed myself in the family slice of my pie of life in order to ignore the empty slice that is my love life. 

75% of my day today was filled up with family time via text and calls and 25% was filled up with work. That’s why I thought it was an excellent idea to have 3 glasses of wine during the Fifty Shades book club tonight and text train guy as well as my ex. 

Don’t worry- after 1 text from ex, I deleted his response and wiped it from my memory. It was like it never happened. Give a girl a break. 

I knew what I wanted from him- an immediate response. And that’s what I got. Mission accomplished. I’m a master at the text small talk.

Train guy also texted me back right away. Again, I was 3 glasses of wine deep and after my very limited drinking as of late- this sadly affected me immediately. I suggested we get a drink this weekend. He’s out of town but suggested next week. The banter continued for about a half hour. 

It got to the point where my book club girls yelled at me and had 2 other members act out the texts in front of the group of fifteen. I siped water.

Again, I got what I wanted- immediate entertainment and a possible date (ahem, ignoring the fact that he has a gf)

I’m smoking cigarettes again (this week). Did I mention family life draws my in to the point of me being overwhelmed and stressed? It's a good distraction from that lack of love pie. 

Don't judge.

And while I was chain smoking outside my apartment after book club, I buzz dialed my bestie in Boston. 

I needed to hear things like I don’t need to be in therapy. 

I’m doing okay. I need a rest. 

I need a night out. I need a break. 

She knew what to say, thank god for ten year friendships. 

I hugged the phone before going back inside. 

Then I walk inside my apartment and it smells of windex and air. The cleaning lady my roommate hired had been here. 

I walk in my bedroom 

and there’s folded laundry and no dust and space and my bed is made an entirely different way. 

My pillows are set in a different order. 

For whatever reason, knowing that someone had been here wiping away the dust and clearing clutter for me while I was out dealing with my overwhelming life pie, 

gave me a sense of relief that nicotine hasn’t brought me all week.

Seeing a physical clearing when I’ve been struggling to get a mental one for months 

is something I couldn’t have asked for but has helped, at least in a little baby step, small slice of pie crust kind of way.

Here’s to tomorrow.