Wading in Low Tide

Have you ever put something on pause and then not been able to remember how to hit play again? 

I find myself struggling with that one on the treadmill a couple times a week and in my own life. Unpausing.

I put myself on hold months ago...okay maybe a few years ago. And why is it that not until someone else holds up a mirror that I realize how not far I’ve come? How stuck I’ve been for reasons that just stopped existing. 

I guess that’s the time to see a therapist huh? When you can’t remember why you follow your own rules. When the rules stop adding to your life but take away from it.

All of a sudden I realize what a tight box I’ve put myself in. I count and restrict everything- to the number of drinks I have, to who I talk to, to the days of the week I socialize, to the amount of food I eat. 

And I’ve been setting up these rules because controlling what I eat and who I talk to are things I can control. Everything else...all the big slices of pie, I apparently can't control.

I saw my ex tonight. He initiated it after weeks of asking. 

Nothing 50 Shades happened. It shows you that I’ve been reading that book too much to think we were going to get crazy in an alley way or taxi. Or elevator. That would’ve been awesome. He was sweet and nice and paid. 

My guard was up. If someone took the Great Wall of China and flipped it vertically then that will show you how high my guard was tonight with him. Even betwen my lines of bullshit, he reminded me that I need to do things for myself and I told him it was on the to- do list. 

I consider it a bad day when I realize that I may be a tad more messed up then my ex right now. I cried when I got home.

This was the first ex-hang post cry I’ve had in years where I cried not because of him, but cause of me. 

I don’t like the job, or city I’m in and fill my empty love life slice in with family time. I have fillers and nothing concrete right now. I’m in limbo.

My mother says life happens in tides- there’s low tide and high tide. I tell her I’ve been in low tide for years. And she doesn’t disagree. She tells me to see a therapist to discuss my control issues. She tells me to blow my nose and go to bed.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard that...