Sober Singledom

I don’t think I’ve been here at this point before or maybe I have. I do know though, I have lost count of the number of times I tried in the last 2 years to change things. I had to recently write a time table down actually because I couldn’t figure out if I had been in a relationship three years ago or two. It’s two. But it feels like three.

I spent the majority of last year being inside my body, just stuck in my head and on emotional auto pilot waiting for family drama to come to a rest. At the end of the year it did and I removed myself from my crash landing position. It felt like freedom.

2012 came and I decided to carpe diem as much as possible. Staying out late, drinking, random bar make outs, Vegas, dancing and dancing, spending money, spending money, and drinking. Enjoying every instinct my body and mind wanted in every moment. I was mentally and physically shouting to the universe ‘I’m fucking amazing’ with each step I took. But I didn’t hear anything back.

I was sure I would meet someone this way. Saying yes to every invite out. Sending out those positive happy single vibes, just waiting for someone to pick up on them. Cue more drinking, more dancing and more spending money. At one point I felt like my skin was turning yellow from lack of anything good.

It wasn’t until I was faced to really do a check in that I realized two things,

A- it wasn’t working and B- I wasn’t happy.

Luckily, I’m getting smarter in my old age and this realization came quickly and I didn’t need a bad night of drunk tears to tell me I wasn’t happy. That's so 2010.

I then decided to take a few days off from drinking after my stomach bug and eat healthier and rest. I then realized something else, I haven’t felt a real connection with a guy since my boyfriend two years ago. I've been floating along alone for two years- only touching ground twice with the crush on MG and the short lived thing with C.

I can easily meet guys like him and enjoy their company for a night but there’s one big difference- he kept asking me out and they aren’t. And I don’t know why.

Was he a fluke accident in my set singledom or does this have to do with me?

It’s me. And in order to avoid any bipolar drunk tears filled with even more emotional distress, I’ve decided to stop drinking for a bit. I realized, and again, I’m getting smarter in my old age, that I have a better chance of figuring this shit out sober then I am drunk.

And it’s been twelve days. My mind misses drinking but my body doesn’t. I’m not saying I’m going to stay sober till I meet someone...but hell, I haven’t given this method a try yet, so why not. For one thing, I’ll sleep better and will lose some weight by cutting out beer munchies.

Mystery

So...

I just realized that they are going to solve the seventy-five year old mystery of Amelia Earhart’s disappearance before I can logically figure out why and how I’ve been single for two years. Seems wrong.

It’s infuriating and mind-boggling at the same time.

I told my mom about my realization and she said well maybe since they found her, you'll be next up on unsolved mysteries.

The Dealbreaker List

I had leftover lingering low feelings from the other night circling in my head when I arrived at my dinner plans tonight. E and S were in good moods and talking about their latest crushes and dates. I was quiet. Then it was my turn to share and I explained that I have nothing, nada in the love column right now. It's been getting to me. And rather then playing pretend with my best girlfriends, I let it all out. It felt awesome to just say "I haven't gone out on a date since October...I'm blue...help!"

That's when S told me about this list her brother told her about that helped her get some clarity and regain focus.

Write a list of things you absolutely need from a partner and get as specific as possible. Don't think of a specific previous or current mate when you do it, just sit at the computer and start typing. Try to keep it under fifteen.

Here's my list.

1. Awesome sense of humor/likes Bill Murray

2. Has a dorky side and is OK with it

3. not afraid to/ of change.

4. Has a creative side and acts on it (hobby/side projects)

5. In OK shape

6. Religion/politics POV doesn’t matter/ is OK with me not following politics

7. Family relationships can be good or strained

8. Cooks on a regular basis and is willing to cook for me/loves food

9. Handles own stress well

10. Can communicate with me about emotions/worries/stress/frustrations well

11. Enjoys traveling/geographically adventurous

12. Makes a steady and responsible salary

13. Talks on the phone (not stuck in text-only)

I went back through the list and counted. My ex was a 7 out of 12. A SEVEN people!! As my friend S exclaimed- we should settle for no less than TENS or HIGHER. With each guy you date aim to date higher and if you don't, then dump them. These aren't crazy requests, these are things that can and will be found in one guy. It's a great, transformative, perspective changing exercise that we should do every couple months as a check in to make sure our needs are in order. Would love to see your lists!

Some body

I have the poor mees tonight.

The kind that have been there for awhile but I'm just noticing because enough people have poked through my fog. I blame the warm, fake summer weather for bringing me up and then dropping me back down tonight.

I got caught up in it last week, drank too much and then got a stomach bug. My body decided to protest against each drop of liquid and food I tried to put into it for a full day. Note to future self- when you throw up in the taxi on the way into work, turn around. Fake it till you make it doesn't work when you're green and holding a barf bag.

I was out Friday night for a little bit at an industry party. A fifty-something year old guy hit on me. He asked for my number in front of a group of people I knew, so I felt awkwardly obligated to give it to him. He could've been George Clooney like ten years ago and in another parallel universe. Also, doesn't every gal have a fantasy of having a much older, experienced lover? I wasn't in the mood for drinking or keeping up my fake energy so I was in bed by 11. In the morning the older guy facebook friended me.

Not sure if he was trying to be 'hip' or what, but come on man! You're a decade away from retirement and yet when you have a girls number you still go web-friendly to get in touch with her? I mean, men were putting their coats over puddles when you were growing up so give me a break. Neadless to say I didn't accept and the request still lingers.

The rest of the weekend was quiet.

I dunno, maybe things are too quiet and it seems suddenly even all of my newly single friends are dating. I'm still in this lull of having nothing to write home about in my love life. Work is tolerable and going well. Family is drama free and content this week. Hell, I even made it to the gym this morning so I had the endorphines moving early.

Now there's this quiet, sullen pain I feel inside and I blame the warm, fake summer weather,

reminding me of all the fun outside, sunny times ahead. I want them all but I'm not ready mentally yet. I need a sign, a boost, a reassurance that my hand will eventually be taken out of my pocket and hold someone's hand.

Long story short (too late), I'm ready for someone to look me in the eyes with sparkly eyes again. I don't need love right now but I do need someone to help weigh me down every now and then when I'm feeling empty.

Okay, cue that Queen song I secretly love.

(And to complete the poor mees, I'm actually listening to the bipolar soundtrack of 'Country Strong' in order to cheer myself up right now.)

What A Girl Wants

My doorman sees a girl who wants to have fun.

Who leaves each night, dolled up as the sun is setting with her purse swinging on her wrist.

I’m the girl who wants love.

Who goes out more often than not, waiting for love.

Looking, waiting, poaching, scheming and hoping for love.

We talk about it when we’re out and mention ex boyfriends

and ex hookups, always commenting on how we’re the upper hand and being.

They’re the ones who need to get their shit together.

We are the ones who are the completed puzzle and just need a sidekick. They’re the twisted broken ones who need help.

We’re still alone though. It doesn’t mean we don’t get laid...

being single means we aren’t in love. There’s a difference.

Talk to anyone whose heart has been broken and there is a difference between sex and love.

We all want love and know our story begins and ends with it, but sex is more obtainable.

Why pretend we need more than what we need?

Do I need love? No.

Do I want it? Yes.

Do I need sex? Yes.

Do I want it? Most of the time.

Do I need to drink too much and throw my hands up

and dance till 2 AM? No.

But do I want to? Absa-fucking-lutely.

Marches

The month is half way over and for whatever reason I think something is happening. I've felt this way since the start of 2012. March has been on my radar. No real reason except a feeling I've had for months. It's like a song stuck in my head.

A tarot card reader confirmed it because three 3's were lined up at one point during my reading. He said I would be given an offer from someone in my past but I already know how I'm going to respond. Vague and yet an annoyingly exact prediction at the same time. There's been no offer yet but there's been a shift. Small, slow signs from the outside world.

One of my best friend whose notorious for being a commitment phobe is letting her boyfriend of two months move in with her. This may not seem like a big deal but it's like a meat eater turning vegetarian over night. Also, she met him online. She had always been very anti-online dating and decided to give it a shot. Her one and only date was with this guy.

I was home going through cluttered drawers this past weekend and I found something my Grandma left for me that I wasn't supposed to find. There was a note on it that it was from her, to be given to me on my wedding day. I put it back and was shaken the rest of the day.

It's not that I had resigned myself to not get married but I had stopped thinking it was for me, like a hat that doesn't fit right.

Then I found that gift that was given in the past to a hypothetical future me. And it reminded me that getting married isn't just a reflection of how I feel now about long term relationships (cough cynical cough) it's about a set part of life that for whatever reason, needs to be experienced. In good or bad, like everything else, it's a chapter that should be included.

I don't know what these signs mean...I'm ready for love? The universe thinks I am? Is the offer going to come from me rather than someone else?

I hate tarot cards. They're torturous little pieces of cardboard.

Cards aside, March has something about it.

Maybe it's the summer weather or my new shopping addiction, or the premier of Hunger Games around the corner.

I'm telling you though, there's something about this month.

At the very least, girl scout cookies are coming in this month, so that's a plus.

The Yes Pact

Recently I’ve realized I’ve been drinking and going out a lot. I don’t regret it. I’m just in a phase of saying yes.

My grandmother passed away three years ago this May. What is three years? Such an off, insignificant number. It’s a number that’s blurry compared to two or five. It hardly stands out. It’s still there though.

Three. It leaves an uncomfortable, unsettling feeling.

When I really let myself think about her being gone, I mean really accept it- my world crashes down and I just sit and cry. I feel her emptiness at its fullness.

I let myself realize that she’s not in some other state outside of communication. She’s void. And I fall apart again. She tied my family together.

And it’s been years now, and I still don’t know how to bring us together.

I’m the ‘youngest adult’ so I have the fight in me or else the real adults are too old and the young ones just don’t realize. But that’s for another blog.

My point is about her and why I’ve been saying yes more.

She didn’t want to go out the night she met her husband. From what I heard he turned out to be a drunk. The details have been spared me.

But I still can’t help but remember more often than not...she had originally said no. Shortly later she had a husband and two boys, and eventually, me. She wanted to stay in.

Something...her friends, made her say yes to venturing out. So she did.
So now, I say yes. It doesn’t mean I expect perfect, it just means I expect what I have now, a story. And maybe one day, if I say yes enough...I’ll have something more.