Ego Check

I’ve already worked a sixty hour week and it’s not even Friday. I’ve worked my ass off this week getting this project done. Taking over more roles then what’s required, stuck in edit rooms for hours at a time, surrounded by men with ADD and bad food. Tomorrow I’m putting on a dress and heels to remind myself I have estrogen and that fart jokes aren’t funny.

I need to keep my ego in check and I’ll tell you why. I’m the one who needs to double check everything and then check again. I’m still learning this job and this world. It’s easy to get sucked in and think, I know exactly what I’m doing. I deserve all the perks and recognition now. (Especially after this kind of week.)

I didn’t officially get invited to the client dinner tonight (ouch) so in an effort to distract myself after the project wrapped, I went to a coworkers going away party at a bar. I ended my dry month and had two much needed vodka sprites. Many work people were there including J, C and the Chihuahua/L. In between my first and second drink, I looked around and had a very sobering thought, ‘I’m not ready for this.’

It was a little after 9 and the late nighters were already ordering drunken food and starting a dance party. L was already climbing over couches, plopping down next to me and said how badly we needed to hang out cause it had been ‘for-eh-ver!’. I gave her a polite nod. A charming director rep, said he needed to take me out to dinner next week to talk about reels. (Aside, he doesn’t like me, it’s literally his job to take producers out and charm them). C was getting cranky and L was very drunk. A creative director I’ve spoken to twice leaned over to me and said ‘Hey! I know nothing about you. I have 2 kids in college. What’s your story?’

I was getting texts from the old BF who was bored at the client dinner. And yes, he got to go because he covered a shoot. (Another hit to my ego, especially cause he’s been on the account 2 weeks) I was getting texts from one of my creatives saying how I should’ve come to dinner because they were eating and drinking like kings and getting very drunk. At that point, I had already left the bar and was heading home.

Even though I know no one in a happy relationship and last post I started to show my growing loneliness in not having a man to pick me up, it felt great tonight, when I could excuse myself from the group and get my coat and leave, without having to tell anyone why.

There was not one single person there who I needed to say goodbye to. I didn’t need to talk about work anymore, I didn’t need to have another drink and dance, especially with people that I don’t feel the night to say goodbye to. I forgot how good it feels to leave the party early, especially on your own terms.

I made a choice. For the sake of my ego pushing and pulling at me, for the sake of me wanting a golden plaque with my name on it now, for the sake of me fighting for genuine people in my life when this industry is filled with title droppers, I made a choice.

I’m going to do my job well but the rest will be on my own terms. For example, I’ll push to get invited to that client dinner, when I’m running shoots and the client actually knows my name. Until then, I’ll double check everything and check it again and accept that sometimes after a seventy hour week, having 2 drinks, saying polite hellos without my life story and being in bed by 10 is all that I need on a Thursday night.