Growing up without sucking

“There are three types of people in the world- suckers, victims and grownups. Being a grownup means you get to choose your own destiny.” -Instant Star

I’ve spent the last two years being the first two types and I’m pretty fucking tired of it.

It’s a struggle every day to be as self aware as I can be and to go after the things I want- big or small.

It’s so easy to get sucked in and be naive and get taken advantage of.

To sit and do nothing, to not react. To have your mind removed from your body and then beat yourself up over it later.

I’ve wasted nights and good makeup just waiting for things around me to change.

I’ve wasted mornings being frozen in bed just waiting for a reason to start my day.

I need to remember that people don’t change. We are who we are.

And it becomes our own fault for being stuck around sucky situations and sucky people.

Why is it so hard for me to fully realize that my old boyfriend fully sucks?

I need to look at the bigger picture. Drunk, sleaze, workaholic, depressed.

Not in love with me.

Hell, that’s just the small picture.

Any more time I spend being miserable about wanting him or missing him or thinking he’s the only man who’ll ever be able to make me feel whole, well...that makes me a sucker.

The time that was sucked away during our relationship while I was learning about the small picture mentioned above, well that time I was a victim.

I’ve learned though. Though I’m still sorting out how to put my lessons into actions, I’ve learned the difference of who I was and who I am now.

Then, I was someone who couldn’t see past rose colored glasses, and now, I’m someone who knows I’m done being the sucker.

I’m done being the one constantly trying to figure out how to not get hurt again.

The pain will always be there. The victim doesn’t know where the pain comes from, the sucker blames herself for the pain and the grown up learns to deal with the pain and chooses to make it stop.

The grown up accepts that there will be no apology emails or calls, no mysterious flowers from a secret admire, and no guy to chase after you in the rain. The sucker keeps looking and waiting. Well, ladies and gents, I’m done sucking.