Friday, February 4, 2011

Alright fine!

Am I happy about how things are and how my nights have been ending?
Well, no.

I'm putting my focus into this new job because I can. And during the day when I get positive feedback, my whole body glows. During the day, I have a purpose. And I don't mind the long hours because I like putting myself into this one thing. I let it take over and push me because I'm learning how to push back and become good.

I'm learning more and more about the sound and level of my own voice in a room filled with half a dozen middle aged men. Them all stopping and listening to what I have to say because I'm the one who moves things forward. I don't hesitate. I worry about mistakes and they do happen. But I move forward as quickly as possible. I handle the next call and next email. Is this how workaholics begin? Probably.

Am I focusing on work maybe a little too much and pushing the other parts of my life onto back burners. Do family and friends just seem like interruptions now? Am I forgetting how to enjoy my self? Yeah.

Am I really allowed to say, 'Well I'm just focusing on work right now. I'm too tired to socialize.'

Yes, BUT- I'm 26 and have no interest in dating. When I think of trying to date and the idea of me being in another relationship, it's as if someone is trying to get me to eat coconut. And I hate coconut. It's an immediate head shake for me. Why? Seriously.

To my own credit I'm pretty and slim and a strong working woman and in all honesty I'm too independent and unobtainable. I'm unreachable and closed off. I'm good at it. It's what I've always been able to do and it's how I function. I look after me, I keep a distance. I have my close friends and for some reason I make everyone else work really hard to get to know me. The old BF got in. And my walls came down. And now they're back up.
And yes, I wish someone pushed for me to go to that dinner. But I don't know what battles to fight right now.

Do I probably need to get good and drink and maybe laid? Do I perhaps need a great kiss or someone to just hold my hand? Do I need to just get out of the damn city or spend more time at the gym? Do I need a hug from my mom or take my head out of my ass? Do I need to hear I Love You or go do hot yoga? I don't know. After close to a 70 hour work week, I'm tired. So someone else please answer my questions well I check out for the weekend.


  1. I think you should do what feels right to you now, in the moment. You have the time and space that is your own, to do with it what you want, with no constraints. And enjoy every moment.

  2. I don't think there's anything wrong with focusing on work when you need to. It's when you're doing it to avoid the rest of your life that it becomes a problem. And dating breaks are healthy :)

  3. I agree with Life--nothing wrong with focusing on work or taking a dating break. Just find a balance somewhere along the way.

  4. As long as you don't forget what you are missing. Don't forget the feeling of being with someone else and allowing someone in. Work is an important part of life but it will never completely fufill you.

    Never take my criticism in a negative way. I want to read your happy.

  5. i think it's great to be able to just focus on yourself and what particular area you want for the moment, be it work or personal life. i think maybe all you need is time to figure it out. so if for now, work makes you happy, then i don't see what's wrong with that.

  6. First of all, yes hot yoga.

    Secondly, you don't have an interest in dating at the moment, no big. I think your preoccupied with the job. Its a valid reason to not be thinking about it.

    However saying that your unobtainable... Well, what is it that your looking for in a man? I'm extremely independent, and I used to be very closed off, I can still fluctuant to those old ways, but I wasn't happy.

    Maybe its just February blues, everyone has them right now.

  7. Hey, to each his or her own. really. so make your own choices. But honestly this post made me sad. No one loves work that much or if they do, they shouldn't. Work to live, don't live to work. I've wasted too much of my 20s working way too much as a law student/lawyer and now I'm reprioritizing and just came to the realization I wasn't happy. Like really and TRULY happy just being a crazy successful worker bee. I was just challenged and driven and busy. There is a difference. You wont be pretty and thin and young forever and happy just to work work work. No one is young forever. You have your whole life to work. Go out with your friends, get that drink and yes find some male companionship for whatever length of time. Thats my advice for whatever its worth. Cheers, T.