What is it about sitting up in bed on a Friday night wearing my flannel pajamas, a high messy pony tail and no makeup, that actually makes me feel sexy? The hole in my left sock actually makes me feel better and not bumful. Is it because I just watched a few episodes of Call Girl or because I just put in a great, kickass week at work in my new position?
Is it because the stars have apparently shifted and the old bf is making a cameo appearance on my account at work for the month and working with him is actually the best safety net I could ask for since he comes with ten years more experience then me?
I’ve swallowed and wrapped my head around the close professional proximity and it’s working. I’m not just saying that to make one part of my brain shut up and feel more comfortable. I’m still in control. It’s still my team and my account and I’m the one jumping to be the voice on the conference call and walking tall into a room of fifteen senior creatives. I have on my power moves and power heels each day and I let him fend for himself without my consideration. I’m busy and I’m finally getting the respect I deserve at work. I’m taking it and it’s mine. I refuse to let anything get in my way.
I once had a boss that said to me ‘You have no idea how good you really are.” And when she said that, I didn’t get it. But her words stayed with me. I realized that sometimes you need that extra outside voice in your head when you haven’t yet been able to find your own, to remind you about your own capabilities and growth.
The growing pains never stop. It takes strength and energy to grow up and become more of the person we can be and want to be. It’s not an a to z straight line. Thirteen to thirty doesn’t happen over night. I’ll stumble and fall and let myself down and others. But the difference between youth and adulthood, is the ability to accept that questioning and failing is okay. The ability to push your voice out of your head even if you need an extra second to find it. The ability to recover from telling a bad joke or mispronouncing a word, a stumble while walking into an elevator or calling someone by the wrong name.
Each day (well so far in 2011 anyways) I believe that we must accept the following: what we can control and what we can’t. Let everything else go. We must deal that there’s today- no matter how big or small the goods and bads are in that one day, and then there’s the rest of our lives- which hold the weight and possibility of every thing else.
I remember that, or try to at least, when I can’t decide if I should buy another pack of cigarettes, when I can’t get to the gym as often as I like, when I feel like after a long work week I could do with a little bit more love in my life. Okay, maybe a lot more.
I remember that and I put on my flannels and I make a tuna sandwich and I watch Call Girl, and if necessary, I throw on a high pony tail and get out my favorite fuzzy sweatshirt. I fall asleep feeling good. Finally one step up the ladder from fine. Maybe it’s the break from drinking, the sole cooking exploratory I’ve finally taken on, my health kick or again, maybe I’ve just found the right pair of knee high brown boots that are helping me keep balance. Either way, I'll take it. For now- until I'm ready for more.