Brit: Would you like to come over for breakfast tomorrow? I made good food!
Brit: do you want company right now?
Brit: call me when you get this!
me: (no response/ asleep)
Brit: Just so you know I've begun seeing someone. Does that change anything? I want to be unfront with you. FYI I'm ok with it if you are!
me: That's cool that you're being up front about it. Does the girl you're seeing know it's not exclusive?
Brit: We haven't had the talk but I would assume she prob thinks we're exclusive. Let me know if you're okay with that or if you'd prefer to pass.
(pause 10 minutes)
me: Yeah I'm alright with it.
Cut to- Brit inviting me over to his place for 'lunch' today. Cut to me getting my period an hour before I'm supposed to see him/ start my role as his mistress. So my role has been delayed.
Do you think the universe is trying to tell me something?
Why is it so hard to keep emotions out of sex?
I don't want to have this guilt when I haven't done anything wrong.
I don't want to be thinking about this other girl out there getting swept off her feet.
All I want is to have some fun and check the drama at the door so I can keep my guards up for as long as possible. I should end it, I know. But I want this comfort. I want this back up plan so not all parts of me are alone all the time. I want to feel sexy and wanted, even by this guy. It's not me being desperate or having low self esteem.
It's the opposite. It's me getting what I want and need right now. Setting the rules and boundaries. I just want this role, this little bit of fun for a little bit. Don't judge.
Okay, fine- judge.
I know what you're going to say but I'm not ready to date and get emotionally vulnerable again and I hate that I'm not ready.
But I close my eyes and I still see my old boyfriend.
I have two holes that I can't fully fill on my own - the emotional and the physical.
The Brit fills one intermittently and the other one I've had a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on since Valentine's Day 2010.
I'm hoping the universe will help me out when it comes time to open both of them up again.