Flashback: Birthday Resolutions One Year Ago

Note that this list has been unaltered:

1. Have more frequent sex.

2. Be more on time.

3. Daily cleaning of apartment.

4. Follow current events daily (msnbc.com, nytimes.com)

5. Buy cookbook and cook once a week.

My response one year later:

1. Check and with the lingerie to match.

2. Eh. I mean...I don't snooze any less, but I'm more aware that I'm snoozing while I'm doing it now.

3. Have a cleaning lady who I call every couple months when I get really disgusted with what I find on the bottom of my socks.

4. A large pile of unopened NY Times has gathered in the main hallway of my apartment, which makes me look like I can't read or like to hoard neighbors mail.

5. I made fried mashed potatoes/stuffing balls the day after thanksgiving to reward myself for watching an entire Rachel Ray cooking segment and not slamming my ears through a hard object.

Noiseless Complaint

Ok if there was one thing I could complain about, it's his work schedule. And it's unfair of me to even go any further then that because we work in the same industry, for the same company and we both work crazy hours, in very unpredictable patterns.

He was out of town all last week for a commercial shoot and normally if he's away and I have free time I really, really start to miss him and I get a little down about it. But last week I worked till 1AM each night. Even if he were here in town, I wouldn't have been able to see him once last week, not even for coffee, because I worked over 70 hours.

Then of course when I saw him on Sunday I was a little antsy for the obvious randy 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' reasons but I had my period. Now, it's the night before every one flies out of town for turkey day and I'm stream-free and all I want for him is to come over but alas, he's working. And I'm packing in plaid pjs. Of course.

I can bitch all I want to him (and I do) but I can't really make it a problem because he's waited for me to get out of work many, many times...outside my apartment, Starbucks, the bar around the corner-

And when I say waited, I mean...

"I know we had plans at 8 but I'm wrapping up, just dealing with something that came up."

dissolve to three hours later...

"Holy crap I need a beer now, I'm sorry, let's go now."

So that's it. Honestly, only thing I can really complain about and would change. You know, just for him to conveniently be around at my beck and call to take me out to dinner if on the rare occasion I ever get out of work before eight o'clock.

But, to be fair, he doesn't complain and neither should I. Him hogging the covers, now that's something to really bitch about.

Time Wise

Sometimes I start semi-wigging out when I think about the length of time I've been dating him. My mind runs away from my head and I panic. Thoughts of where we should be in our relationship come rushing at me. All of the should's overlap each other and I can't think straight.

Should we be talking about our future at all? Should we talk about what we think about marriage and kids? Should we talk about if we'll both be staying in NYC for a big duration of time? Should we talk about me meeting his parents and coming to Christmas? Should we talk about that our one year anniversary is coming up quickly? Should I say it, or wait till he says it first? Should he have said it by now?

And I get to this point and then I tell myself to shut up.

I tell myself to talk to him about what I want to talk to him about. One big thing that sets this relationship miles a part from my past versions of relationships, is that I communicate and open myself up. I don't hold back. And when I start to panic and get the should's running through my brain, I need to remember that I'm doing everything right. There's nothing more I should be doing, cause then I'd be forcing it and not just letting it happen.

The funny thing is, I'm not thinking about these things without some kind of initiative from my friends, and that means I'm not thinking about them. Plain and simple.

And there's no need to add unnecessary pressure. That's been my motto since the start of this relationship. Just let it go. Trust it. And so far, it's all brought me to a really good place.

Missed Habits

I'll confess- the one thing I miss about being single, the one thing that I'd do constantly and happily, with no guilt...mainly so I wouldn't have to work out in the morning...smoke Marlboros.

It's not even that I get cravings anymore, it's just that I miss the act of smoking and it's delightful, easy effects. I know- can we say denial?

But to rebuttal myself here- snuggling and sex has replaced those old nasty habits...which also used to include tequila and snoozing.

Because really, who wants to get sloshed when you have some late night sheet rumbling to do?
And who wants to hit the snoozer in the AM when you're being woken up in order to have a surprised happy morning?

Dear Diary from May 16, 2007

"Okay, I've met:

the emotionally damaged South Bostonian,

the horny aggressive Jew,

the shy older pizza delivery guy,

the emotionally vain actor,

the insincere senior,

the cheats on girlfriend drummer,

the out of towner Irish man,
the out of towner surfer Virginia Beacher,

the tequila drinking one night only Italian architect,
the horny aggressive iBanking Jew,

the just want to be friends emo guy,

the sensitive southern guitar player,
the i can't be sober when I'm with you long islander,

the horny mother's boy blind date jew,
the i'm different from the others film crew guy,

the i may or might not be single T.A,

the sarcastic flirting is a sign of verbal abuse

but there's something about your smile coworker,

the great date but won't call you ever again cameraman,

the i only find your number at 2am trust funder,
AND the I'm not gay six-appletini flight attendant,

All I'm asking for is to meet a guy

whose not gay,

who isn't from out of town,

who doesn't want a fling,

who doesn't have a girlfriend,

whose not a coworker,

who can legally drink and

who can buy me a beer, tell me I'm pretty, pick up the fucking phone

and call me the next day."

Forward Thinking

He's never read Jane Austen but won't rush me (geek alert) as I read the entire comic book version of Pride & Prejudice at the book store for two hours. He smiles at my appreciation and slight obsession with Austen and all of her leading ladies, just as I smile at his Pixar animated shorts fetish.

If I didn't love him, then being interested in those niche subjects that he has grown to intently follow over the years, would be painful to stand through and even more torturous to discuss and learn about.

I realized that before him, a 12- minute cartoon with no words may have been Oscar worthy and I still wouldn't have watched it, but because he's so wildly interested in them, I know that I am now seeing each one through his eyes because he's sitting right next to me.

The night he met me out, right before we had our first kiss, he told me:

"I like you. I know we work together and I know there's an age difference. But I don't care. I just want to get to know you."

And if we hadn't been friends for the past five months I may have just written it off to be another line. But I had been dealing with the same back and forth. We had been texting each other and, (what I though then) coincidentally ending up at the same company bar nights for about two months straight. I pushed aside any feelings I had because of the two underlying factors of age and work relation. But later I realized that our relationship began before he met me out that night.

His declaration, though heavily reminded me of Mr. Darcy, affirmed for me that we aren't always aware of a new beginning in our lives until it's right in front of us. We get busy and distracted, things change and start over without our realizing it, all the time.

A potential can become real in one easy moment of truth.

Austen understood two things-

our lack of fully understanding everything about the relationships around us, even though ones we are in, and our need to find different ways to go after what we truly want.

The constant in both truths- the satisfying predictable unpredictability of people.

Potential Reason #1

During our first month of dating he told me that he's had two serious relationships in the past six years- both about two to three years each. His first ex girlfriend cheated on him with one of her exes and changed careers every three months, his second ex cheated on him with Louis Black and moved to LA to become an actress.

When I realized I wanted to tell him I loved him a couple months ago, I knew I should wait as long as I could for the sake of our relationship because:

A- after I tell him he'll expect me to start cheating

B- after I tell him he's not going to say it back

There's no doubt in my mind that he doesn't feel that same way. That's something that took me awhile to learn, when it's right and when it's working, you stop asking questions and you stop feeling doubt. It's a kind of security I had never felt before I met him. Before him, I was playing games, like everyone else single and twenty-something, but really what I was doing was not accepting the truth.

My 25th birthday and the holidays are coming up- who knows what I'll blurt out with too many spiked eggnogs under mistletoe...

Even knowing his past, I'm still not afraid to say it first. I'm not afraid, because I feel it and he deserves to know that, even only after 8 months in.