How I Left Things

So! That chapter is officially closed and I couldn’t have planned it any better. I left with high reviews all around and HR telling me if the next job sucks then I can come back.

Thursday night I had my going out party and I was a little disappointed. My favorite guys didn’t make it out (ahem mg). But apologized via text and in person the next day. I got good and drunk and left the last bar with the intern. (dun dun dun)

I must be growing up because though he tried holding my hand and making an awkward move, I didn’t hook up with him. I got a little depressed actually...realizing that it was the night before my last day of work and I was with the intern I’ve known only a few weeks. This is whose left standing with me? It just didn’t feel right. I walked home alone and cried the second I got there. That much anticipated meltdown that my mother foresaw came true. I felt better after getting a good cry out though.

The next morning, though I had a headache and had to explain my Irish exit to a few people, I was more or less calm about leaving. I got a little emotional as I packed up my desk and turned in my laptop. But luckily I held back the tears in front of IT. I ended up getting drinks with ALL of those guys (including the ex and mg) after work. It wasn’t planned and it was perfect. I was in my element.

With my boys, blue moon and geek talk.

At the end it felt like more of a ‘see you later’ then a ‘goodbye’, which is exactly what I wanted.

And more deets on the guys of course:

MG... gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek as our night rolled to a close. We had just spent the last several hours laughing and drinking and flirting like we had months ago. And I felt fabulous and I think he picked up on my fabulousness.

We pulled away and I simply said ‘Well, you have my number.’ and he smiled and said he’d call and that he always liked playing beer with me. So whether anything happens or not, at least for now that scenario is in ellipsis mode.

As far as the ex...he gave me a Starbucks gift card and a cookie that morning. Inside he wrote ‘Good luck, but you don’t need it. Remember the little people when you become head of production.’

And suddenly, just like that, the wall between us was lifted and I went over to him. I said thank you and then gave him his own card which I had hand written a week before. Inside it said ‘Thank you for always being supportive of me over the years, whether it was close or from a distance, I always appreciated it.’

I wanted to tell him that he can call me if he wants. I don’t need the wall anymore. But I didn’t need to cause then he invited me out for those goodbye drinks. And even though I still don’t trust him, I feel good knowing that he has my back.

He’s still a member of team D even though in a different way. And I guess as exes go, that’s an ok place to be. I stopped hating him and I realized I didn’t need him to be a part of my life. All that from a Starbucks cookie, I know.

At the end of the night I took ‘EVIL’ out from his name in my cell phone contacts. What can I say? I’m moving on with a different, stronger part of me and that baggage ain’t coming with me.

Case of the Uglies

I’m not going to get a medal any time soon for being a good daughter. My stock went down this weekend while my mother was in town visiting.

We didn’t start off well when I missed the show we got tickets for because of work. The following night I got out of work late and couldn’t fully turn off through shabbat services or dinner after. Bad daughter and bad Jew.

This morning started off ok and I use that term lightly. She met me by my apartment with coffee and bagels. She got offended when I wouldn’t eat one of the bagels.

We got pedicures which may have been the best part of the day. We each splurged and got the ten minute foot massage added on. Next we went shopping and she got sucked into the store and ended up staying there almost an hour more while I chain smoked outside. Next we ate and got a drink. I wish we got another round.

I tried explaining the stress I feel due to being so focused on my future and how I’ve been stuck in my head a lot recently. Not being able to relax in the present. Feeling ups and downs in this transition between jobs that I can’t fully figure out. Hence the chain smoking.

I tried explaining I’m nervous about being emotionally closed off and not having the marriage or baby gene. And how I have no interest in dating. I tried explaining that these are actual concerns of mine and I fear that my heart is at the end of a maze somewhere that I can’t find. She waved my concerns away and said I was just being young.

My wall stayed up all day with her. I was defensive and snappy. And I’m not PMSing. I challenged her on everything she said, from the name of an actor in a movie to the hat she wore. I wasn’t grateful for her coming and didn’t thank her for making me jello or cleaning my dresser. We’re normally Besties and today I treated her horribly. I couldn’t stop the words coming out of my mouth or push down the knots in my neck.

The night ended after the movies and we were both quiet. I was soaking up the peaceful, warm city walk when she asked me what I was thinking about. I said, I was thinking about how nice and quiet it was. She took that to mean that I was reveling in her not talking. She got angry and said if she knew she was going to stress me out so much she wouldn’t have come. I tried explaining that it wasn’t her but she stormed off.

She was done with me.

All she wanted was to spend time with me but I couldn’t get that part of me out. The worse part is that I know she needed this weekend. She has her own shit going on and I needed to be a support for her. We needed to laugh and be Besties. But my mind was too jumbled to get there when she needed me and as a result she couldn’t stand to be around me. She was right to walk away. I would’ve done the same thing.

Surprise Me

You know what’s great? Fan-fucking-tastic even? The ability to go away for a weekend and laugh about getting angry drunk off of too much tequila (ahem, and beer, and vodka) and yelling at a guy for telling you that you’re too old to bar make out.

What’s better? During that same weekend reaching your goal of buying a fabulous obnoxiously big floppy summer hat, spending hours in book stores with your new best friend and napping without guilt.

I can top it...the ability to surprise yourself when you don’t know that you needed to.

Like giving your notice to a company after three years, that is begging you to stay. But you know you’re making the right decision to leave.

Suddenly, I stand in the hallways at work and get flashbacks to the fall of senior year of high school. Suddenly, I'm ready to see a different set of leaves change color and leave these ones behind.

Always leave them wanting more, my mother says. Which really can be applied in and outside the bedroom. For me though, it seems to work better out rather then in with the men.

I gave my notice today to take on a job that I wasn’t looking for. It may be the biggest, most intimidating challenge and yet the most risky, necessary step I could’ve taken at 26.

I mean, my company is clearly running low on quirky men who want me so it’s time to shuffle along anyway. (pause for laughs)

My father says this is the most excited I’ve sounded in ten years and the money doesn’t hurt either. My mother says well at least you won’t see the old BF anymore. So really, it’s a win win from both parties.

This is where I will grow. Whether I succeed in it or fail out of it. This next step is mine and it’s sculpting me more as an adult. Why I’ve never felt more adult? Because instead of letting the fear of the unknown halt my next move, I’m letting it push the adrenaline through me. I’m accepting the fear and that failing big is a part of life.

I’m the girl who told the guy she loved she wasn’t happy, the girl who kissed her crush, the girl who demanded a challenge when she was bored at work, and now I’m the girl whose rocking her own boat to see what’s next.

Next chapter please. I’m ready.

The Good and The Bad

I feel more accepting of me recently. Maybe it’s summer or my post traveling buzz still lingering, or maybe it’s just me growing up a tad. But I’ve really been okay with my decisions recently, when in the past a layer of doubt and overanalyzing would keep me up at night. I've really enjoyed letting go of that layer. I feel lighter, and dance to my iPod more during my walk to work.

We grow up to think that there’s good and evil and a clear line between the two. We get older and see no evidence of this line. The line is blurry and we all challenge our own definition of good and evil every day. I refuse to think that someone is all good and all evil. What we learn changes and growing up means accepting that new definition on the other side.

My current evil:

hooking up with the Brit again who now has a girlfriend

spending a Saturday day eating corn dogs, drinking and other recreational drugs

missing a meeting at work to go on a job interview

urges to reconnect with the old BF (what? a dream told me to!)

My current good:

my new kickball team

book club

Shabbat services on Friday nights

volunteering twice a month

Sometimes I’m truly amazed that this battle goes on inside of me. But it does, constantly. Neither side defines who I am. Both are parts of me and maybe it’s not even a battle but a constant up and down steady balance that just is? I don’t need to decide which one to be. Life isn’t about choosing between Pacy and Dawson...it’s about enjoying just having a choice.

What’s your battle like?

Poem: BBQ Fest

An update is coming soon. But in the meantime please enjoy this quirky poem by me inspired by the annual Big Apple BBQ Festival that took place this weekend.

It's about how simple reoccurring events in our lives remind us of the good and bad times when we least expect it. Enjoy!

Two years ago,

you paid and we sat with your friends.

We went back to my apartment,

napped, had sex

and went to your apartment.

We ate, had sex and went to bed.

You made me vanilla coffee in the morning.

Last year,

we were friends.

You invited me to join you.

I said I would.

But I couldn’t leave my apartment.

This year,

I walked past.

And didn’t think of you until later.

We aren’t friends.

Now, I hope you’re happy,

and banging a fatty whose bad in bed.

Down in front

I have a friend whose amazing at quieting my occasionally enraged ego and bringing me back down to earth. I've been a little on edge getting back into the groove of things after experiencing such a big, outer world for 10 days. Now I'm back in my inner, focused life, where everything is as I left it. And I'm realizing I need to take slightly more control of how things are. Letting go of some baggage and getting more of what I want. Parts of my life outside of work feel like there's no there, there. I'll admit, mostly social aspects and in my love life. I want to feel filled constantly, not just 10 days at a time with a passport.

My friend reminded me today that what we have now and currently are is the blessing we should appreciate. Everything else is extra and doesn't need to be focused on. The 'But I wants' and 'Shoulds' are just us battling ourselves. The head fighting the heart.

Too many times we're given blessings to be thankful for that we can't see right in front of us. Like the story of that guy whose town is flooding and he's waiting for a miracle to be saved and he doesn't see all the chances that are in front of him. The truth is that our happiness is left in the hands of us. We get handed toilet paper over and over again, but most of the time we don't realize it and it's only us that can wipe our own ass.

There's what we do and not do, what we ask for or wait for, happy or accept part of sadness. All one common factor- the self.

I've been catching up on the blogs and my own life since I've been away and everyone seems to be unhappy with what's in front of them. Pissed off at friends, left by loved ones, overlooked at work. What are we missing that we can't lead with our hearts and go after what we want to be content with what we have and are?

Turn Up The Radio

I feel the best I’ve felt in a long time. Strong and pretty and confidant and good at my job. And of course when one part of your life is good, the others...need work to balance things out. Nothing new happened with mg. At work there’s never a time to talk and I feel like we are different people when we are together outside of work. I don’t see this as a bad or mean thing, it’s just that we don’t work together on the same projects and there’s never really time to flirt. So it’s mostly radio silence during the day unless I shout out to him every time he goes to the bathroom. Awkward.

He left work before me tonight and lingered. I didn’t say much cause I was in work mode. I texted him when I left the office a half hour later and said ‘Just left the office, want to grab a beer?’ Radio silence.

Luckily, I’m on vacation starting now for 10 days and venturing to Berlin with a small tour group. My thoughts will be about beer and men and a language I don’t know in a City I don’t know and I can’t freaking wait! THIS is the environment I live for. I know no one on the trip and can’t wait to exercise the inner me!

I will leave mg and work behind for 10 days.

It’s silly really. He’s given me no real reason to fall for him. He’s not sweeping me off my feet or calling me every hour. He has yet to really use my number.

And yet, here I am, fallen. And I wish it was for a guy who was really fully there, deserving of my feelings. It’s just so much nothing...and my feelings are being wasted. Though I love the flirting and the random kisses and another reason to dress well, but I miss the return feelings and the certainty of being liked.

I miss feeling close with winks and smiles and inside jokes. I don’t miss the old BF but I miss the proximity I was able to have. If it’s not going to happen with mg then it’ll be someone else. I just wish they were here already. Because I’m ready.

I want to mentally kick myself again. Because even though I keep reminding myself to let this crush just be a crush, I checked my cell about a dozen times after I hit send. Why is it that even though when our brains know the reality, our hearts still like to play the game even though the other player is barely there?